fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2622 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2622 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

__________________________________________________

02.

__________________________________________________

03.

__________________________________________________

04.

__________________________________________________

05.

__________________________________________________

06.

__________________________________________________

07.

__________________________________________________

08.

__________________________________________________

09.

__________________________________________________

10.

__________________________________________________

11.

__________________________________________________

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 076 secrets from Secret Submission Post #375.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Is it normal to care really strongly about people I've barely met?

Okay, maybe normal isn't in the picture, but how abnormal is it? Is it creepy? Off-putting? If I tell them I'm there for them and they can come to me with anything the day after we meet, will they run? How long should I wait? Does it make a difference if these people are open with their pain, so that I know it's there even if I've only known them a short time? If these people appear, from where I stand, to connect with me on a fraction of the level I feel I connect with them? Or am I more likely to be wrong than right? Am I seeing something that isn't there? Will they run from me? Will I lose their reciprocation before I ever even have it?

God, I sound wangsty. I just really care about these people and I want to let them know, and they've opened up to me a lot more than some other strangers would, and I feel like we really click, but I just don't know if they'd run screaming for the hills, if that would be too sentimental too fast...

I think it's normal to care but you should probably hang back because you are in danger of coming off as too strong. Are these people online? It kind of sounds like it's online. I vent to my online friends but I am kind of wary about people who seem overly concerned about my problems? I used to be that way and it turned out I was super codependent, so sometimes I think people are projecting on me in an unhealthy way. For now just be their friend, if they need your help with anything they will let you know. But do not try to be their psychologist or their fairy god parent, or take responsibility for their feelings.

Okay. I appreciate you telling me this. I'll try. I do have a problem with coming on quite strong, and on some level I know that, but the overwhelming urge to hug these people (virtually, because yes, they are online) until it all goes away interferes with my reason.

I wish I didn't care so much about people. Part of me thinks it's some sort of overcompensation, because I didn't care about anyone but myself until I was about 15. Maybe my mind is trying to make up for that. Whatever the reason, I hate it and wish it would go away.

Well, let me put it this way. You can still care about these people, but you need to care about yourself too. And you need to be able to see when your perfectly good intentions might be hurting them. Try asking what they want ("I can listen if you want to vent." "Do you need advice?" "If you want a distraction I can link you some funny videos.") Finding a hobby outside of the internet is helpful, too. There are a lot of self-help books and online resources you can probably look for as well.

This reminds me of the deep insecurity and fear of loss my friend has over any kind of romantic relationship lately. We've fought over this a lot, because she doesn't seem to notice that she comes off strongly, but I don't even know how to tell her (politely) that yes, she is making his recent dates RUN for the hills because I think they see she is desperate right away.

My advice, since you are anon and all and I can tell you sincerely, would be to at least try to hide those feelings. You can feel them all you want and they are good feelings and emotions, and I'm not saying they aren't, but it would probably make many people suspicious. I would fall in that category myself to be honest, and I've usually reacted by distancing myself pretty strongly when that happened.

Just being concerned about another person's welfare and thinking you click as potential friends over time? No, that's perfectly fine. It's okay to care about other people and to assure them that they can talk to you if they want. Just be sure to establish that you'll be fine if they choose not to talk about what ever is bothering them. I do this with people I've been concerned for all the time. Some are willing to talk about what's bothering them, and some aren't. Either way, it's fine and people are different. Don't beat yourself up over being a caring person, anon.

Edited 2014-03-09 00:11 (UTC)

"If I tell them I'm there for them and they can come to me with anything the day after we meet, will they run?"

Maybe. I would, if we'd only just met because a near-stranger offering to take on so much of your emotional burden feels... weird. And possibly dodgy. As cynical and unkind as this sounds, I'd question your motives and would be highly unlikely to take you up on your offer because I'd find it hard to believe that someone who barely knows me would be willing to do so much.

"How long should I wait?"

Until you've developed a strong, healthy relationship where you regularly share personal problems with that person? There's no set length of time that makes it kosher, it depends on what sort of relationship you have with this person.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's fantastic you empathize and want to help, but I think a more effective approach is to just offer to listen/talk/vent-- IF they want/need you to. A little of "I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. If you need to talk or vent, I'm here" will go a long way. Coming on too strong is likely to make people clam up.

[ SECRET POST #2622 ]

These are the deep questions in life, y'all.

Re: These are the deep questions in life, y'all.

Re: These are the deep questions in life, y'all.

Re: These are the deep questions in life, y'all.

Re: These are the deep questions in life, y'all.

Re: These are the deep questions in life, y'all.

Re: These are the deep questions in life, y'all.