fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2709 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2709 ⌋

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So yesterday a friend was telling me about two of her other friends (who I haven't met) who are engaged, and it got me thinking.

Until they met, both had only dated the same sex. Which seems a little unusual, but sexuality is fluid, whatever. The thing that confuses me is that they both still consider themselves gay. They're getting married in a few months, they're apparently madly in love but...they still id as gay/lesbian.

At what point do you consider changing your label? Maybe I'm missing something but it seems like there's a point where you have to re-evaluate things and marrying someone of the opposite sex seems like a good time to do it. Obviously they're not straight if this is only person of the opposite sex they've ever been into but bisexuality is a thing. It's the same with someone who'd previously considered themselves straight and starts dating someone of the same sex. I used to consider myself straight but the first time I found myself seriously having feelings for a girl and wanting to date one, I started id'ing as bi. Still calling myself straight just felt like I was in denial and trying to fool myself.

Maybe I'm missing something, but I just don't get it. What's the point of being married to someone of the opposite sex and calling yourself gay? If anyone can id as anything no matter who they're dating/engaged/married to, then what's the point of labels at all?

TBH I've always been an advocate of the position that labels are dumb in the first place and you should just like who you like. So, you know, whatever.

It's a little strange to be married to someone of the opposite sex and calling yourself gay but (a) who am I to tell them what to call themselves and (b) I don't think the labels are very important in the first place so I'm not going to get all worked up over it.

I think for some people even the labels bi, gay, and straight carry some grey area. Like, what if you are gay, always into your own gender, but then you fall in love with one person of the opposite sex, which kinda sounds what is happening in your story. But it is only that person. And beyond them, you have no attraction for any other people of the opposite sex ever. Do you call yourself gay because that really sums up 99,99% of your experience and give other people a better overview of where your tastes lie in general, or do you call yourself bi while not really having any interest in the opposite sex and then continuously having to explain that?

...Why would you have to be continuously explaining yourself?

Labels are tricky things. One one hand some people reject them, while other cling to them because they become ingrained in their identity. While this is an extreme example, it's not that uncommon.

Also, I know several bi people who sadly just don't bother with the label because they get shit. One of my eldest friends since high-school identified as gay for years, while still sleeping with women, and while he's living with one now - because it was just an easier label for him. My own bf has been with both guys and gals before me, but honestly in the 6 years we're together I have never heard himself as bi (or, anything else indicating sexual orientation for that matter). I think it's extra tricky if you sway strongly (but not fully) to one gender, because the label might feel dis-genuine - such might be the case with your friends' friends. It's difficult to figure out the reasons unless you really know them.

This is a good question. I'm a bisexual woman who has long identified as "more straight than gay."

And over the last several years, that's changed. Drastically. I'm definitely way more on the gay side than straight these days. My friends reassure me just as you said - it's a spectrum, people shift, that's okay.

They're descriptions that we use when we want something a bit more precise than pointing and grunting, not gang signs or citizenship papers.

Leaving this here:

I'd say in the case of someone like your friends it depends on how much they see that one person as an exception to their rule rather than a cue to modify.

This. I also have a friend who had always identified as a lesbian and only dated women until she ended up falling in love with (and getting married to) a man. She still identifies as a lesbian because, as she explains it, her husband is the only man she's ever been attracted to. So for her, it really is a case of the exception to the rule.

My roommate's sister IDs as bi but she's married to a guy and has a kid with him. It could be that the friends' attraction to each other is the exception.

My roommate's sister IDs as bi but she's married to a guy and has a kid with him.

You say that like it's a weird thing. It's not like bisexuality is synonymous with a lack of monogamy.

No, nothing weird about it. I said it because she's been side-eyed for saying she's bi and being married to a guy. I never said someone couldn't be bisexual and monogamous.

I have no idea. I've always identified as bi, and I figured it was simple enough. If you're at all drawn to both sides, you're bi, just leaning more one way or the other. But some people are super super into being straight or gay, so idk.

Yeah, I've always thought bi was enough of a label to encompass anything from 50/50 to I don't do percentages to I'm very rarely attracted to men/women but sometimes I am.

Who cares? Labels mean different things to different people. For some people, it's a social thing. For some people it's political. For some people it's a flag to attract people to date. For some people it's about personal feelings. Usually it's some combination of all of those. So, that's the point. People use labels for lots of different reasons. IMO you don't have to "respect" everyone's label choices if you don't want to, but probably if it's a friend you should either at least pretend to respect it (or ignore it), or stop being friends with them.

Honestly, the only time I care/get upset about that kind of thing is when it's something like a straight, cis guy calling himself a lesbian [or vice versa].

Beyond that...Idgf.

[ SECRET POST #2709 ]

Sexuality labels...at what point do you change how you identify?

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Re: Sexuality labels...at what point do you change how you identify?

Re: Sexuality labels...at what point do you change how you identify?

Re: Sexuality labels...at what point do you change how you identify?

Re: Sexuality labels...at what point do you change how you identify?

Re: Sexuality labels...at what point do you change how you identify?

Re: Sexuality labels...at what point do you change how you identify?

Re: Sexuality labels...at what point do you change how you identify?

Re: Sexuality labels...at what point do you change how you identify?

Re: Sexuality labels...at what point do you change how you identify?

Re: Sexuality labels...at what point do you change how you identify?

Re: Sexuality labels...at what point do you change how you identify?

Re: Sexuality labels...at what point do you change how you identify?

Re: Sexuality labels...at what point do you change how you identify?

Re: Sexuality labels...at what point do you change how you identify?