fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2718 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2718 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Mayim Bialik]

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[Pacific Rim]

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Might be another 12 am day. Response time will be slow, sorry.

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Well, in your guys' case there was a very good reason for not taking a vaccine. But this is also the reason why vaccines in general are so important: if you can get a vaccine, you should, because then that way even people who can't get vaccines are protected. It's herd immunity.

My issue with attachment parenting has less to do with the parenting itself and more to do with the culture it's attached to. Kids can be perfectly fine or total wrecks with and without attachment parenting.

But most of the attachment parenting types I've interacted with tend to have a superiority complex, that they are "better parents" and thus "better people", and that their kids will be better off no matter what and that everyone else's kids are condemened to a life of misery or something. It also tends to come with a lot of classist undertones, because attachment parenting tends to only work if you have enough money to be able to not work or have the kind of job that allows you to keep your kid by your side at all times (most don't). And while this isn't as endemic, a lot of them (or at least a good portion of the bloggers, anyway) seem to take it as an insult when other adults don't want to hang out with them because their kids are around.

If you want to be an attachment parent, go ahead. But don't insult other parents for either choosing not to do it or being unable to do it, and don't whine if your social life takes a drop because you don't want to hang out with your kids.

Also, there's nothing conclusive about this, but from skimming attachment parenting blogs, I've gotten strong vibes that attachment parenting was just to justify parents not wanting to admit to their own abandonment issues/projecting their anxieties unnecessarily onto their kids. While I don't see attachment parenting as inherently harmful, I do see a serious problem in projecting your personal issues onto your kids if it's not something that effects them/has to effect them.

Attachment parenting also tends to enforce certain strata of sexism in very sutble ways - namely that it reinforces the idea that mothers should sacrifice everything about their beings for their children and they're failures if they don't. (They're not, they are human beings and have every right to lead a life independent of their children, and no one should be labelled a bad person for wanting to spend some time away from their own children, but that's what I've heard from the bulk of attachment parenting proponents).

That whole superiority complex: my mom got called a barbarian for breast-feeding and co-sleeping and daring to not put her child on their stomachs to sleep in the '80s. Whatever parenting fad is in, the practitioners are going to be assholes about it.

I'm just going to put what attachment parenting is and *should be* down as simply as possible:

My baby and I are primates. If my baby cries, I pick it up or feed it right there because that's what it needs. It doesn't understand that it should be on a schedule. My baby is hungry for breast milk, and the reassurance of touch, security, skin contact and myriad of other feelings that come with it. It makes me feel better to breastfeed for those same reasons. That's my instinct, and as long as we're both happy, why stop? My baby cries because it's cold and scared and alone at night and doesn't know where I've gone. I put the baby in my bed because a) I don't think it's good for any creature to feel that way, and b) I've fallen asleep breastfeeding anyway. And maybe my baby doesn't want to breastfeed after six months. I'm sad, but that's the baby's choice, and I won't force-feed it. Maybe said baby wants to happily sleep in its own crib. I'm nervous and worried and get up twelve times a night to check that the baby is breathing, but I can't change what the baby wants. I'm just a mammal, I act on instinct and respect that my baby has instincts too.

As for the part about sexism: Honestly, it's just an undeniable biological fact: almost every baby ever wants its mother around as much as possible, and being worried about being without her isn't a good start to life. Moms are also meant to be hardwired to protect the progeny. I've actually seen more attachment mothers worried and upset without their babies than attachment babies worried without and upset their mothers (because they know at that point that Mama will come back).

I understand what attachment parenting is. I'm just explaining why it is some people object to it.

For me, there is also a slightly more personal objection to a certain aspect of your description of attachment parenting: the idea that it's about both the child's preference/instinct and the mothers. When I was a very young kid, my family life got rough and I wanted to sleep with my mom for a few months, and I'm glad she let me. What I'm not so glad about is having to continue to sleep with her due to her anxieties when I wanted to return to my own bed. I know this is hardly the case for everyone or even that many, but this is an anecdote I use to highlight my issue with attachment parenting - that it's not for the good of the child, but because parents are justifying them projecting their anxieties onto their children.

I have a lot of issues with parenting fads and certain popular parenting choices in general, though, so it's only only attachment parenting I'm critical of. Hell, my own mom was given crap for some of her parenting moves (i.e. leaving the noise level at normal when I went to sleep instead of trying to make the house quiet).

As for the biological hardwiring issue: meant to be. Doesn't mean they are, and it doesn't mean we should be reinforcing the idea that a woman is a bad mom because she doesn't spend enough time with her children, doesn't breastfeed them for long, or is abusive for sending her kids to daycare so she can have a career...but that is unfortunately a theme I've seen among the vast majority of attachment parents, regardless of how reasonable they are on most other aspects. Not to mention it's always attachment moms. Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places, but I have not seen nearly as much about attachment dads, or anything suggesting a man is a monster for choosing to balance his career with his children instead of placing his children first.

I don't really have much to say on the topics of attachment parenting or homeschooling, but I did want to say I've enjoyed reading your experiences and thoughts about all this. Thank you.

You're welcome? :)

I have...a lot of thoughts on parenting and child development and education, mostly because I'm an odd intersection where I brushed up against or interacted with lots of variety in all those contexts, instead of just being overly invested in one direction. Which means pretty much everyone disagrees with me no matter what I say. :P

[ SECRET POST #2718 ]

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