[ SECRET POST #2721 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2721 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 084 secrets from Secret Submission Post #389.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Any advice with self confidence

[inthecorner]

I swear, I have the most fragile ego. I'm usually fine till something, usually very small, comes also and wreck my mood and I'm suddenly don't deserve to live. Stupid stuff, like losing a follower on Tumblr, or messing up in a game. It's so dumb and I hate getting so worked up about those things, but I don't know how to stop. Anyone have any advice?

Re: Any advice with self confidence

[(Anonymous)]

Make a list of reasons why you're awesome. Make another list of reasons why X does not matter or lessen your worth, X being repeated reasons that have upset you, like losing Tumblr follower. Revisit these lists when you feel down.

It seem silly, but if you tell yourself and remind yourself of these reasons often and consistently enough you'll start to believe them. Or at the very least the bad things won't get you down quite as much.

Re: Any advice with self confidence

[diet_poison]

Usually something a little bigger than that sets me off, but it doesn't have to be huge if the mood strikes. I just ride it out and distract myself with something. Or play sad music and have a pity-party until I've cried it out. Fortunately these episodes are fewer and farther between than they used to be.

Good luck. :)

Re: Any advice with self confidence

[solticisekf]

Making chamomile tea or any tea at all. Helps to get mind on other things. Idk why but warm beverages make everything better.

Also somewhat helpful is to think that if someone you know made such mistake you'll be sympathetic to them, you'll say 'don't be sad, yoi're great, everybody makes mistakes, I love you anyway, etc', you can act the same to yourself.

Re: Any advice with self confidence

[(Anonymous)]

Some of the best advice I ever got (at least four this sort of thing): Be your own best friend -and be a kind best friend. Whenever you stay getting upset over stuff like that try to stop and consider what you would tell a good friend who was feeling that and tell it to yourself. Oh! And and don't be hard on yourself if it seems to take a long time/you mess up or seem to be taking a step backwards. It happens to the most confidante people out there and there's no shame in it.

Re: Any advice with self confidence

[nyxelestia]

Don't stop. Don't even try to.

Because if you do, you're just going to create more stress for yourself if/when you can't stop and that will just create a vicious, negative feedback loop.

While things like reminding yourself of your positive traits definitely can't hurt, I also remember during my own low periods how that didn't always help. So I'm going to try something a little different, but lack of vocal tone and body language might make it seem abrasive, so consider this an advance warning/apology.

and I'm suddenly don't deserve to live.

Too bad. You're already alive. There is no undoing it at this point, only ending it.

So, if you mess up on something "very small", like "losing a follower on Tumblr, or messing up in a game. It's so dumb" - why do you deserve to die for it? Would you condemn someone else to die for the same mistake?

Ask yourself this every time you feel like you don't deserve to live: "Why do I deserve to die for this mistake?" And if it's just an emotional reaction/there is no rational reason but you can't help but feel it anyway, take it further: "Would I tell someone else they should die for this mistake? If so, why? If not, then why am I telling myself that I should die for this mistake?"

A list of positive traits is definitely helpful to remind yourself you're not worthless. But, something a little more concrete might be to look at a particular positive trait to compensate for or counteract a mistake, or a good reason for why it's irrelevant.

i.e. if you mess up in a game...that meant you had to get at least someways into the game to mess it up, right? So you must be good at something in order to get to the point where you actually can mess up - even if it's something stupid you're good at, it's probably no more or less stupid than the mistake you made in the first place, and if you're devoting attention to the latter then you can spare some for the former. And if you lose a follower on Tumblr - why do you think that happened? And why is that follower so important? And why are you sure it's "your fault" anyway? Maybe they just changed fandoms, or they're just trying to clear up their dash. And even if it's something you did - what is the real impact of losing that person? What did they bring to do you or do for you that is unique to them and is a real loss for you? Given how Tumblr works, 9/10 that answer will probably be, "nothing my remaining followers can't/don't do, anyway".

As for a final suggestion: if you feel like you don't contribute meaningfully to the world and can't be talked into seeing otherwise about what you currently do...try something new. Pick up a productive hobby, volunteer, try a (new) job, maybe even just start participating in fandom more. Do something that you see as a contribution to the world. Then at least, if you feel like you don't deserve to live, you can point to a concrete thing you do that makes the world a better place. Make a loss of yourself into a loss for the world, no matter how big or small.

I hope at least something in that tl;dr helps. :)

ETA: adding onto the last point, if you go the volunteer or job route, I especially recommend something where you actually do something for something/someone else, i.e. work at a pet shelter, work tutoring kids around the "community" (neighborhood/social circle/etc.), that sort of thing. Then if you get low, instead of just asking yourself, "Why do I deserve to die for this mistake?" you can ask yourself, "Why is this little mistake more important than how I help those kids?" or "Why do those animals at the shelter deserve to lose me for this mistake?"

Re: Any advice with self confidence

[(Anonymous)]

Most anons above me have suggested it in all but name, but have a look into cognative behavioural therapy. It's all about changing your thinking patterns, basically, and has been proven to help with depression/anxiety. And the best thing about it is you don't even need to go to a therapist for it - there are free workbooks available online. As someone who has used it myself to combat my negative thought cycles and anxiety, I can say that doing CBT has helped me immensely.

Re: Any advice with self confidence

[(Anonymous)]

When something stupid like that gets you down, do the perspective exercise. If somebody you know loses a follower, or makes a small mistake, do you respect them any less? Do you even notice? Because (unless you're going about thinking "Good Lord, Marsha didn't level up, she ought to DIE for it!" in which case you have more serious problems I have no idea how to deal with) chances are you're holding yourself to an infinitely higher standard than you do everyone else. So realize that, and try to internalize it and the corresponding fact that nobody, NOBODY out there will judge you according to this ridiculous standard you've set for yourself.