fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2738 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2738 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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02.

[Wizards vs. Aliens]

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03.

[Hayao Miyazaki]

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04.

[Dragon Age Inquisition]

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[Sarah Michelle Gellar and Lena Horne]

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06.

[Girl Genius]

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[Dark Souls]

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08.

[TRON: Legacy]

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09.

[Phantom of the Opera]

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10.

[Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas]

Notes:

Big thunderstorm here, hoping the power stays up. Early to be safe!

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 031 secrets from Secret Submission Post #391.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

So my mother had been wanting to bring my sister and nieces up to visit us. She wanted me and my other sister to help pay. My other sister got out of it because she has had medical bills. While I have several loans and not the best paying job, I have nothing immediate.

So I was just guilted into giving $500 to help pay for tickets. My mom just rushed up to me and was all "I can get tickets for cheap but I need to buy them right now! And your niece really wants to see you!" This isn't taking into account feeding and such when they get here.

Am I right to be super pissed at my mom for guilting me into this? Or is it my fault for being a pushover?

Nah, parents often have the power to guilt us into more things than other people. And they know it. She really shouldn't have done that (but if that's how she is you probably do need to start saying no to prevent if from happening again).

Ugh, that sucks. :( It definitely makes sense that your parents are good at guilting you into doing things like this, so you shouldn't feel bad for giving in. I don't think it was fair of her to force you to help pay (especially when you are paying off other things). I'd be angry too, but hopefully you can work out how to say no in the future when such things come up?

Personally I think if your mom really wants it to happen, then she should pay for it herself (or ask if you want to contribute, but accept if you have other obligations). Otherwise why doesn't she/your sister get a loan to pay for the trip if yours apparently don't matter? (yes, I realize you probably can't justify getting a loan for a situation like that, but it seems like a strange standard)

Well... the problem is that it's both those things. It's a shitty (and also weird) thing for your mother to ask you because it's emotionally manipulative. If your sister/niece/nephew can't afford to pay for their own trip but still want to keep in touch, there are other ways to do that that don't cost anyone $500. Skype. E-mail. Phone calls. Hell, letters, probably the most bang for your buck.

On the other hand, you gave in and I'm guessing your mother probably knew you would. $500 got her off your back, but only temporarily because now she knows that with enough nagging, she can get $500 out of you even when you can't afford it. Giving into guilt or other peoples' bad behavior is a tempting short term solution, but it's a terrible longterm solution because every time you give in makes the other person more determined. If and when you finally say NO, the other person will have allllll those times you gave in to back them up as a "justification" for why you're the unreasonable one for not giving them what they want.

Learn to say no. Feel free to express regret, "I'm sorry I won't be able to see them because I miss them a lot, but no, I can't." DO NOT OFFER REASONS WHY YOU CAN'T. Reasons just give the other person more chance to argue you out of those reasons. Say no, can't do it. No, that won't work for me right now. No, it's not possible. No. No. No. Repeat as many times as needed and remove yourself from the conversation if you can.

This is probably the best thing to do in the future. It might feel bad turning your family down, but you don't owe them this and if they can't pay for the trip themselves they shouldn't have made plans. (Especially since you don't sound like you're in a good place to be paying for it, and it might make things more difficult for you.) Sorry, OP. Family are SO good at manipulation.

Both? It was shitty of her to guilt trip you into giving up $500 (I'm guessing she's well aware of your situation and she had to have known she would be putting you in a tough spot if you gave away that much money) but if you knew that dropping $500 would fuck you up financially then you should have stood up to her and told her that you would like to eventually not be up to your eyeballs in student debt and ponying up money for plane tickets would be fiscally irresponsible of you.

Wait, do you even live with your mom?

And even if you do, that's still not cool. If niece wants to see aunt, then either niece needs to put together enough money to pay for her own ticket (if adult), or her damn parents/guardians need to foot the bill (if child). Just because your mom wants her to visit does not mean the financial burden falls on you. Same with the rest.

"I can get tickets for cheap." Hell, she got a discount for $500.

I'm sorry OP, that just sucks. I agree that this is definitely a thing where you shouldn't agree to things just because your mother makes you feel guilty. She's using you, plain and simple, and she'll keep doing it unless you firmly draw some boundaries and enforce the hell out of them consistently.

Again, I'm so sorry because getting jerked around by family is just awful. :(

[ SECRET POST #2738 ]

Rant I guess. Advice maybe.

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Re: Rant I guess. Advice maybe.

Re: Rant I guess. Advice maybe.