fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2759 ]

[ SECRET POST #2759 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2759 ⌋

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Notes:

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I'm 21. I have always found both men and women sexually attractive, so I always thought of myself as bisexual. I have also been masturbating since I was 10, and as far back as I can remember there were some BDSM elements in my fantasies.

However, up until recently, I have never done more than kissing and groping, with both genders. Kissing does absolutely nothing for me, but the groping was always fun.

Recently, though, I have a boyfriend with whom I am starting to engage sexually with. And I find myself...extremely underwhelmed. We haven't quite managed full on intercourse yet (I am the "vagina too small for an average dick" anon from a few months back, and never got back in time to say that I don't have much access to sex toys die to finances and living situation). Some of the kinkier bits (him spanking or choking me) were also fun, but mostly on par with the light groping - I still get MUCH more sexual satisfaction out of masturbating. My boyfriend is pretty good about taking directions in bed, but nothing I suggest really seems to work.

Is this a type of asexuality? I've tried poking around AVEN, but I found it very vague and unhelpful. When it comes to asexuality, everything is defined around attraction, and I experience plenty of that. It's just actual sex I find myself bored by.

Thoughts/help?

It sounds to me like you're just new at having sex and haven't found a way that works for you.

But I mean, it's not for me to decide what your sexual identity is.

HURP welp er - pretty sure you aren't asexual based on the description - it is generally an attraction thing. You don't sound like you don't want sex, rather that you want GOOD sex with people you find hot / attractive.

Sexuality really isn't about how good you find sex or how much you enjoy it. That is actually something that varies wildly based on a) who it's with; b) what you're doing; c) lots of other factors that I'm not listing. Regardless of your sexuality or lack of, you may or may not enjoy actually having sex. What determines if you're sexual/asexual isn't what you get out of it but whether you want to in the first place.

Like, you can be super gay and be bored by a lot of gay sex. Just because attraction exists doesn't mean the sex will be good or that you'll like it; you've probably heard of guys saying things like even if they find pretty girls hotter they're less fun to fuck because or they find someone not hot at all but they're great in bed, etc..

Asexuality would be not even wanting sex at all really. It just sounds from your post that you don't like bad or unfulfilling sex, and, well, that's totally normal! That's lots of people.

http://www.reddit.com/r/sex/ I would actually recommend checking this out - it's very welcoming / open about stuff, and you can see there are tons of people there who are definitely sexual but who are working at finding out what KIND of sex works for them / how to make sex BETTER, given that it's something they're interested in.

But... yeah, TL;DR is you probably aren't asexual or given what you're saying it doesn't fit what asexuality is.

Messed up a bit on third paragraph. 'you've probably heard of guys saying things like even if they find pretty girls hotter they're less fun to fuck because or they find someone not hot at all but they're great in bed, etc.'

Should be 'you've probably heard of guys saying things like even if they find pretty girls hotter they're less fun to fuck because they don't do much, or they find someone not hot at all but they're great in bed, etc..'

This is actually a thing anyway, there's a general perception that people who are less sexually attractive 'try harder' in bed and give better sex. Not something I condone or necessarily agree with, but it does sort of point to the fact that how good sex is isn't tied to how sexually attractive someone is and rather more linked to whether they're putting in effort or doing something you like in bed.

DA

Adding to this, if sex has left OP totally underwhelmed enough for her to not be interested in it at all any more and left OP totally underwhelmed enough to have lost the attraction to other people, then that could possibly count as some kind of asexuality.

But it doesn't sound like OP has completely lost interest in having sex. More that she's frustrated by bad sex and would like good sex instead. OP, if you'd still be interested in a relationship full of great sex with a sexually attractive partner, you're probably not asexual. Just going through a patch of bad sex.

It's helpful you're both open to experimenting, and he's down with taking directions.

Have you tried masturbating for/with him? It can start creating a connection between direct sexual stimulation and him, plus all the other chemicals our brains fire off during and after sex.

So far as sex toys go, you can get pretty creative with regular objects. I wouldn't recommend food -- most of it will do bad things to your vagina -- but even things like Barbies can be helpful. If you have highlighters, mini M&M's tubes, even an electric toothbrush, they can all be used in a variety of ways for insertion and clitoral stimulation. Just make sure the batteries are out and wrap everything up in a condom for easy clean up.

OP Anon here - and I have a single vibrator that I was able to afford and can hide from my family. It's around an inch or so diameter, a little narrower than my boyfriend's dick but not by much (and wider than what you suggested). It takes a bit of work, but it fits just fine, so I'm not sure why, in the middle of actual sex and after the same kind of work, my boyfriend's dick doesn't fit (as in, it can't go in/even attempting insertion causes pain). I was going to try the whole "using sex toys much larger than him to stretch myself out and go from there" thing, but now my living situation has changed a bit and it would be much harder to hide them from my family, right now.

Have you tried just afinger (his), or two? While you're getting really into the making out part, you can try ramping up the groping to fingering, see how it goes. Even starting off with fingering yourself, to make sure it won't hurt. Like have him play around your actual vaginal opening and then you slowly guide his finger in.

God, I feel like I'm writing porn!

Dunno if you know this, anon, but these days you can actually go to the drugstore and find a small variety of sex toys. CVS and Walgreens both carry a small selection of vibrators on store shelves - that's where I got mine, since I didn't want to risk ordering one from the internet either. They aren't too pricey either, so if you wanted to give that a go, you could see what you can find!

No, this is not asexuality. It is completely normal for you to be better at stimulating yourself (you have years of experience) than a new boyfriend is.

He's going to need some time to really get the hang of your body. He might never be able to do as well on his own as you do for yourself. That's not "a sexuality." It's just reality.

Yep. Same goes for guys - plenty of straight men find it much more satisfying to give themselves handjobs than to have a girl do it (even a sexually attractive very hot girl) because they know what works for them and also get instant sensory feedback.

There's also the whole thing about gay men being better at sex with guys than straight or bi women are because because they get how a male body works more. A lot of whether sex is enjoyable is down to how good you are at it.

You sound almost exactly like me. Weird. I haven't thought about it much, but I've kind of id'd as asexual, because I also don't get a lot out of sex. But I also do experience attraction. The only times I've ever really had a pleasurable experience with kissing/sex was when I was drunk, and I think the alcohol pumping me with dopamine was a greatly contributing factor. I also prefer masturbating and fantasizing about sex, then actually engaging in it. What's wrong with us?

About being unable to have intercourse, you might vaginismus. It's what I had, and made sex difficult for me at first. (Although I can't say intercourse has done much for me either, lol.)

Maybe the fault lies with your partner? Maybe you just need a more, I don't know, considerate lover? Might have been better to start your sexual life with a girl rather than a boy?

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[ SECRET POST #2759 ]

What kind of (a)sexuality is this? (Possible TMI)

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Re: What kind of (a)sexuality is this? (Possible TMI)

Re: What kind of (a)sexuality is this? (Possible TMI)

Re: What kind of (a)sexuality is this? (Possible TMI)

Re: What kind of (a)sexuality is this? (Possible TMI)

Re: What kind of (a)sexuality is this? (Possible TMI)

Re: What kind of (a)sexuality is this? (Possible TMI)

Re: What kind of (a)sexuality is this? (Possible TMI)

Re: What kind of (a)sexuality is this? (Possible TMI)

Re: What kind of (a)sexuality is this? (Possible TMI)