fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2769 ]

[ SECRET POST #2769 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2769 ⌋

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I've spent the last 2 weeks getting to know my coworkers and I really like a lot of them and get along with all of them....except one.

This guy is 23/24, white, financially privileged, and has given himself the title of "token sassy office gay". Our office is large and the work we do is very progressive, so I actually have quite a few gay colleagues, but he is the only one in the "young and fun entry level" social circle. He's decided to use that niche to be, frankly, a huge ass. His most outrageous comments generally occur at post-work happy hours or when we're all outside eating lunch on the patio, and not quite so much in the actual office.

Some typical comments:

"Girl, your hair is not cute today, looks like someone woke up laaaate and didn't have time to get it together."

"Mmm if you prefer white wine to red, you need to either grow up or kill yourself, cause bitch this is not college."

"I feel like I need a list to keep track of all the women who want me to give them a makeover."

"Every time I meet someone new, I hope they'll have hot gay friends but they're always fucking ugggg."

"Ugh, women. I'll, like, never understand how someone could be attracted to you."

"All you bitches need to follow my lead."

"These are my office bitches, and I am their queen."

"Honey, please, you are not gonna have anyone buy you a drink in a button up. You look like a goddamn lesbian."

I'm not sure how much of his behavior is his actual personality and how much of it is an exaggerated act. But I think he gets away with it because no one wants to risk being called homophobic if they address his bullshit. But being gay and being an asshole (or "sassy") are in no way related. In this case, he happens to be BOTH and I feel like no one knows how to critique one without disparaging the other.

Like I said, I'm new, but I don't want to put up with his bullshit and misogyny. Tips for how to tactfully call him out?

ETA: He also seems to want to be the "proud vegan" stereotype who won't shut up about how healthy his food choices are and how he gets so much protein through plants and has so much energy and 'who would put garbage like mcdonald's into their bodies' & blahblahblah. But these comments are more irritating than enraging.

ETA2: I'd like to try a non-HR approach first, mostly because I don't think his intention is necessarily to be hurtful or rude. I think he has deluded himself into thinking (with the help of the media) that all straight women want a sassy, flamboyant gay best friend like Jack from Will & Grace. I know straight women can be a big part of creating this problem, because many DO want to compartmentalize gay men into the gay best friend role. I'm not sure it bothers all of my female coworkers, some might find it funny, but I would guess that it certainly bothers some others.

Dear God. He sounds horrifying. I'm sorry.

No real advice, but you have my sympathy.

Relevant: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3h6es6zh1c

In 10 years he'll either be a slightly more mature adult, or someone will have killed him for being so fucking obnoxious. Either is acceptable.

Have you just expressed you're not happy?

You don't have to make an elaborate statement, just like "dude, not cool" and leave it at that. I'm guessing a lot of this behavior is, like you say, being tolerated or even encoyraged and it has gotten out of hand.

"Please don't call people bitches in the workplace."
"Please don't tell people they need to kill themselves at all."
"Please stop being a homophobe by insulting lesbians all the time. They also count as gay people, you know."
"Luckily for women, people who aren't gay men do find them attractive, so it works out for all of us."
"Not everyone here is trying to impress you or look good for you, and not all of us appreciate your comments about what we wear or we look like. We're here to do a job. You might be trying to help, and it's nice of you if you are, but understand that people's professional priorities may be different from yours."

Establish dominance. Dismiss him with a smile. :)

maybe hire cesar milan to help out

I admit:I laughed. Leader of the pack, bitches!

"Girl, your hair is not cute today, looks like someone woke up laaaate and didn't have time to get it together."

Tactful? I'd just go with "Bitch you look like a fucking chipmunk that a cat threw up, who are you to talk?"

I mean, of course your intention wasn't to be hurtful or rude, you were just being fun and sassy right back at him, right?!

When he says something assholish, just stare at him for a moment and then say in an even tone, "That was unkind and hurtful," or, "What an awful thing to say." Because it was. It's not about him, but about what he said. Pointing out that his statements hurt you and others, and are not acceptable, in a non-aggressive way, will put the awkwardness of the situation back where it belongs: on him. It's saying, no, I don't want to play along, and I think this is a terrible game in the first place.

+1. It needs to be made clear to him that even if he thinks he's funny, you don't find it funny, in fact it's actually hurtful.

If it wouldn't probably create more problems, you should start calling him derogatory (gay) names and if he reacts to it badly, you can tell him that that's how you feel when he keeps calling people bitches, for example. But the risk that it goes over everyone's head and you'd be branded a homophobe is too big.

I can't tell if this is trolling.... But no, that's really not a good idea no matter where you are. You don't know how badly someone's going to react to being targeted with a slur, and nobody should be just because they're an asshole.

Eh. I have been targeted by a lot of slurs, and really After a while, the temptation to just throw some slurs right back at the assholes gets really strong. I wouldn't do it, obviously, that's why I wrote (twice) that it's not a good idea. But sometimes, countering a slur with a slur seems like an incredibly satisfying option.

Re: got a new job recently

(Anonymous) - 2014-08-02 23:22 (UTC) - Expand

That would definitely create more problems.

"Girl, your hair is not cute today, looks like someone woke up laaaate and didn't have time to get it together."

"Mmm if you prefer white wine to red, you need to either grow up or kill yourself, cause bitch this is not college."

"I feel like I need a list to keep track of all the women who want me to give them a makeover."

"Ugh, women. I'll, like, never understand how someone could be attracted to you."

"Honey, please, you are not gonna have anyone buy you a drink in a button up. You look like a goddamn lesbian."

If he says any of these to me I'd say "I'm sorry you feel that way" in the most sincere way possible and leave it at that. I think he'll stop it when he figures out nobody treats him like a sassy gay friend.

Wow, I feel sorry for you for having to put up with him.

Maybe it would be best to get a group of people who share your concerns and talk to him together? If you speak with him one on one he might accuse you of being too sensitive, but if he sees multiple people feel that way he won't have as easy a time brushing it off.

Though, idk, he might take that as an attack, but honestly... It sounds like he's being an ass and a nuisance and something needs to be done.

I agree. Also I just have a serious problem with someone flippantly telling people to kill themselves..over WINE. Like I don't even get how that's supposed to be funny.

Re: got a new job recently

elaminator - 2014-08-03 00:13 (UTC) - Expand

Re: got a new job recently

jaybie_jarrett - 2014-08-03 00:15 (UTC) - Expand

"What made you think that was an appropriate thing to say?"

Holy shit this. I've actually said this (or something like it) to strangers on the bus that were acting up. My husband seemed embarrassed that I faced down these people, but I grew up in a place where speaking out was the favored tactic instead of being passive aggressive.

(That said, when one of my former co-workers practically announced that she was a rape victim to everyone in a ten foot radius, I went directly to my boss because that comment was enough for me to want to move at the very least to another desk at worst to another department.)

Re: got a new job recently

(Anonymous) - 2014-08-03 06:24 (UTC) - Expand

Re: got a new job recently

(Anonymous) - 2014-08-03 17:21 (UTC) - Expand

I'm not the most socially adept so this may negatively affect a working relationship, but perhaps you could take a direct approach and tell him you'd prefer if he not call you a 'bitch' because you find the word demeaning? I know that a direct tact doesn't work with all people and this man sounds like he might be resistant to such an approach but at least it's something.

It sounds, though, like you are probably so fundamentally different in your forms of expression that it might be better just to avoid him at all.

Wow, yeah, not okay.

I sympathize with you, OP. I've known one or two gay guys like that (who seem to think they have a free pass to comment on women's appearances, or get into their personal space.)

Try to keep objective and calm. Tell him those comments are not work-appropriate. It's absolutely not appropriate to comment on someone's appearance or make disaparaging remarks about their appearance - doesn't matter if you're not a straight dude, it can still qualify as workplace bullying. Calling people "bitch" and telling people to kill themselves is totally NOT okay. Perhaps you could remind him that, while you may not take it personally, there are other people who work with him who COULD be hurt like that? Comments encouraging suicide ESPECIALLY.

Come at it through the lens of "proper workplace behaviour" because this is really what it's about. And never, ever get personal. (The anon above who suggested coming back at him with slurs is wrong. That will only make the situation worse, and then you're being just as derogatory as him.)

I've had many encounters with annoying personalities. What I've always done when someone has said something rude (especially if it's about me) is, "Excuse me?" No smiling. No hard stare. Slightly angry tone. Everyone in my family does this and the execution of it has always gotten people to shut up because the message is clear. It's 'I'm so not fucking amused right now.'

Man, I'm a queer vegan and I kind of want to punch him in the face.

Er, anyway. I'd calmly point out why each and every comment is inappropriate when he says them - point out if he's being misogynistic, or homophobic, or just being rude, and point out that it's highly inappropriate and insulting. And, honestly, it might not be a bad idea to calmly tell him, "Look, the things you're saying are not on, and if you continue, I'll have no choice but to report you to HR for bullying". Even if you don't really want to, it might be enough of a wake-up call for him to realise that his behaviour is really shitty.

most of the gay guys I know would want to punch this guy.

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