Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2014-11-03 06:42 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2014-11-03 06:42 pm
[ SECRET POST #2862 ]
⌈ Secret Post #2862 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
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Notes:
Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 042 secrets from Secret Submission Post #409.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - random textless image ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
Re: Sexuality labels
(Anonymous) 2014-11-04 08:37 am (UTC)(link)That makes sense. From what you say, it sounds like I maybe fit into the box more than you do, but I'm just not sure about the connotations of the label itself.
I have had sex, but even before I did it, I knew I didn't want to. It was mainly a peer pressure/you're "supposed" to/my BF wanted to kind of thing. And I wouldn't say I was disgusted or anything, and on a purely physical level it felt good, but it just didn't feel right to me, like what I imagine a gay person would feel at having sex with someone of the opposite sex. And after that relationship ended I thought...I don't want to ever do that again. And I haven't. And I know I'm supposed to say I have no idea what the future holds, sexuality is fluid, I might change my mind, etc. but...I honestly feel like I'm not going to. If it's up to me I'll never have sex again, and I'll be happy about it, but then I feel bad about myself because sex is the greatest thing ever and only weird pathetic losers aren't interested in it (at least that's how the people around me make it sound from the way they constantly go on about it).
Oh, and I also really hate how I see people talk about asexual relationships, where people aren't aromantic. Like, you're love isn't more pure or sacred just because sex isn't involved!
I've never seen that, but I almost wish I had. Everyone around me is the opposite...you can't possibly love someone in a romantic way or be in a relationship with them if sex isn't involved according to them.
And the whole romantic/aromantic thing confuses me even more. Part of me thinks I'm definitely aromantic, but then I think maybe it would be nice to be in a relationship with another asexual person. But then I think maybe a friendship with another asexual person would be nice but I'm not sure about romance and then that leads to people having debates over what counts as romance vs. friendship and whether it's even possible to have a romantic relationship if there's no sex. And then I think about if I am interested in romance, is it with guys or girls? Part of me is interested in both (I thought I was bi at one point, too) but in different ways and it's all just way too confusing.
And then there's the whole asexual label, where like the OP says, I think people assume you're immature and just want to be seen as "special" or different. Or they don't believe you at all or just think you're a screwed up freak. I do think it'd probably be easier to just say "I don't like sex" and be done with it but it does seem like there's this pressure to pick a label. I don't know, this probably doesn't make much sense.
Re: Sexuality labels
The way I see it, it's a spectrum that fits both people like me and you. Unfortunately, the connotations I have with asexuality is that it's less of a spectrum and more of a single experience. It's not true, and objectively I disagree with it, but I feel it's more appropriate to just say 'not interested'.
And I know I'm supposed to say I have no idea what the future holds, sexuality is fluid, I might change my mind, etc. but...I honestly feel like I'm not going to.
That's where you and I differ on the asexuality. I don't know what the future holds when it comes to my sexuality, so even though I'm almost 99% sure that right now I don't want anything to do with it, I'm not sure enough to knock it completely. On the other hand I do not think I'm capable of experiencing romantic attraction. Who knows, who knows.
all that about aromanticism
I have an arrangement with someone who's asexual and isn't romantically attracted to me. We're compatible in pretty much every area across the board, from what we need in terms of emotional support and what our hobbies are and what our plans for the future are. We work well together, we can live well together, and we click in a way that neither of us have with anyone else.
I don't know where the line between friendship and romance can be drawn, but neither of us consider ourselves to be dating each other or to be romantically involved, and so it is. I don't know what would have to happen for me to be able to say I'm ~in love~ with someone rather than just loving someone, but apparently there isn't really one set definition and it varies from person-to-person and culture-to-culture and there's a whole area in psychology trying to figure out human relationships, so really it all comes down to what you personally want to call your living situation.
I'm not sure what you'd call my arrangement with this other person, but it works for us and for as long as neither of us consider it to be romantic, we won't be. A lot of it does just come down to you having the final say in your identities, I've found.
(I do think I've been in love before, but I also noticed that when I got over a number of codependency issues I stopped feeling that way about anyone. So while I would never say that what I felt wasn't real, I don't think it was coming from a healthy place at all. Since I sorted myself out in that respect, I've never felt that way again. Take from that what you will.)
I do think it'd probably be easier to just say "I don't like sex" and be done with it but it does seem like there's this pressure to pick a label.
I agree. When I did identify as bisexual, I felt like a fake. Even in areas separate from sexuality, I feel labels have only done me more harm than good. They can be useful, but there are connotations, and I feel that more often than not, when I give a label, I have to either clarify exactly what I mean by it, or I'm left with a feeling that I'm misleading people and giving the wrong impression. And on the one hand, who cares, but on the other hand, I find it easier and more true to just say "I've never been sexually attracted to anyone and I'm not interested in having sex" than it is to say "I'm asexual."
Re: Sexuality labels
(Anonymous) 2014-11-04 10:55 pm (UTC)(link)The way I see it, it's a spectrum that fits both people like me and you. Unfortunately, the connotations I have with asexuality is that it's less of a spectrum and more of a single experience. It's not true, and objectively I disagree with it, but I feel it's more appropriate to just say 'not interested'.
Yes...sorry if I worded that wrong. I meant I guess I theoretically am closer to the stereotype of what people think of asexuality as, but I agree that there should be room within the definition to fit more than just one very specific thing.
That's where you and I differ on the asexuality. I don't know what the future holds when it comes to my sexuality, so even though I'm almost 99% sure that right now I don't want anything to do with it, I'm not sure enough to knock it completely. On the other hand I do not think I'm capable of experiencing romantic attraction. Who knows, who knows.
I guess it's partly how you look at it, too. I mean, I say I feel pretty sure that I'm not going to change my mind, but the truth is I can't know with 100% certainty that I won't, so...who knows.
I'm not sure what you'd call my arrangement with this other person, but it works for us and for as long as neither of us consider it to be romantic, we won't be. A lot of it does just come down to you having the final say in your identities, I've found.
I think you're right, that it ultimately comes down to how you personally want to define it.
I do think I've been in love before, but I also noticed that when I got over a number of codependency issues I stopped feeling that way about anyone. So while I would never say that what I felt wasn't real, I don't think it was coming from a healthy place at all. Since I sorted myself out in that respect, I've never felt that way again. Take from that what you will.
I can definitely say that I've never been in love before, but I have had crushes on people. I guess for me the thing was whether or not I could fall in love with someone in the future, and right now I can't imagine it ever happening, but like I said, even if I feel like it won't I can't say for sure that it won't. I kind of wish it would because I hate the idea of being one of those people who's alone forever that everyone makes fun of (and yeah, a big part of this whole thing is that it really bothers me what other people think of me...I wish I could just be "normal" but that'll never happen).
I agree. When I did identify as bisexual, I felt like a fake. Even in areas separate from sexuality, I feel labels have only done me more harm than good. They can be useful, but there are connotations, and I feel that more often than not, when I give a label, I have to either clarify exactly what I mean by it, or I'm left with a feeling that I'm misleading people and giving the wrong impression.
Exactly. No label has ever seemed to fit, which is partly why it's so frustrating that it seems like there's all this pressure to pick one. Like you said, any one I used, I'd feel like I have to give an explanation or else I feel like I'm a fake or not being honest. I guess I need to just go with "not interested" and leave it at that. Anything else is too complicated.
(And finally, because I'm curious, where did you meet your asexual friend? I feel like it would be nice to have an asexual friend, someone who knows what it's like...all of my friends are obsessed with sex and it gets lonely sometimes. :( )
Re: Sexuality labels
As for my friend, we actually met online through this really small fandom. When we first met, he actually identified as pansexual, but then as time went on, realized that asexual might be a more fitting identity. It was pretty much mostly luck.