[ SECRET POST #2873 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2873 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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04.
[Naruto]


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05. [ SPOILERS for Doctor Who ]



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06. [ SPOILERS for Doctor Who ]



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07. [ SPOILERS for Doctor Who ]



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08. [ SPOILERS for Spartacus ]



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09. [ WARNING for suicide ]




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10. [ WARNING for child abuse ]



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11. [ WARNING for child porn ]



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12. [ WARNING for sexual assault ]



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13. [ WARNING for rape ]

[Doctor Who]



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14. [ WARNING for rape ]



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15. [ WARNING for rape ]

[Days of Our Lives]


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16. [ WARNING for rape ]



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17. [ WARNING for rape ]



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18. [ WARNING for incest ]



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19. [ WARNING for suicide ]



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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #410.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

10. [ WARNING for child abuse ]
http://i.imgur.com/SlOsMQH.png?1

[(Anonymous)]

I read the whole thing, op. I've been through much of what you have, only with a younger brother instead of a younger sister. It gets better. You get out in the world and you realize your own opinions.

[(Anonymous)]

Your whole secret hits so close to home for me OP, and I wish I could offer something more constructive than just letting you know that someone understands.

Never feel guilty. Someone choosing to treat you the way he has is his fault, not yours, and he doesn't deserve your respect let alone your affection.

[(Anonymous)]

aw, op. many hugs to you.

[littlestbirds]

I hear you OP. Many people are failed by their families, and we can heal and be better because of it. You're not abandoning your sister by starting that journey, and it does sound like leaving home will have to be part of that.

[(Anonymous)]

I read the whole thing too, OP. I wish I could share my dad with you, but since that's not possible, I hope you'll find mentors that you can trust and respect.

And I hope one day your father realizes what he's given up and is prepared to do the hard work of earning it.

[(Anonymous)]

i read the whole thing. i dont have any advice for you i just wanted you to know i read it, and i see you, and im so sorry for what you experienced.

[raspberryrain]

It's good to realise what problems you come from, OP. Glad you're managing some of that.

Your mother has too low a set of expectations from men, sad to say.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm sorry you had to grow up with this parent, OP. I empathize completely.

Sometimes I come across people who say "oh I hate my parents" and I find out that they mean that their parents sometimes embarrass them. I am so jealous about this. I wish I could be embarrassed by my parents instead of hating them for bullying me throughout my childhood.

My advice is to physically get as far away from them as you can, at least until you've had many years of counselling. If you go on to college, take advantage of that free counselling for as long as you possibly can.

I was lucky in that they didn't do the same to my younger brother, so I could leave home without a qualm. I have no advice for you there, sorry, except to show her that it's possible to escape successfully.

[(Anonymous)]

I read the whole thing OP. Many hugs to you.

That sucks, OP, I'm sorry.

[(Anonymous)]

I hope you and your sister (and mother) find a way to get away from
him and his abuse.

[flipthefrog.livejournal.com]

I read the whole thing, OP, and you have all of my sympathy. You aren't abandoning your sister to go to college, I promise--it sounds like she has a definite handle on your dad's bullshit, and there's nothing that says she can't call you every week for a bitch-about-what-crazy-shit-dad-said session (or that you can't offer her a bus ticket and a patch of dorm floor if she needs to get the hell out).

And you definitely still have a chance of finding an awesome embarrassing dad figure out there, you know. My brother's mother-in-law is legit terrifying crazy, and his wife has since been adopted wholesale into my family (because she's awesome). Even besides that, there's professors or teachers or even older friends that can fill that role for you. And even if you don't, that's completely okay--there's plenty of awesome people out there that had crap parents and still turned out fine.

I hope everything goes well for you, OP, and for your sister and mother as well.

[(Anonymous)]

OP, this is the first time I've ever posted anything to this com. Your secret is the first one that really hit me hard.

I certainly read your whole secret, and I just wanted you to know that I think you are very brave and very smart. I'm sorry you feel badly about leaving your sibling, but I hope you feel like you are taking a huge step out into a brand new world. Maybe you can be a role model for her?

I hope you find a great mentor (or maybe many) who can make a meaningful difference in your life. You deserve it. I'm sorry your dad couldn't be that person for you, but I hope very much that you find some wonderful people to be substitute strong presences for you.

Good luck, OP. I'll be thinking about you. I hope, maybe, that you can make a secret in the future about how you're doing.

[(Anonymous)]

OP, my dad's like this too. It was such a hard thing to realise/accept -- it took me going away to university and sharing anecdotes told in a funny story sort of way and getting "...o_0" reactions from my friends to realise that the way my dad acted was actually incredibly abusive. I have a younger sister too, who's always been "the troublemaker" and he compares her unfavorably to me when it suits him, as I'm quiet and academic and she's loud and artsy and therefore must be Doing Life Wrong (not that this makes me any less Wrong when it's my turn!). It's shit.

But... I'm 24 now, I've barely been home since I finished university. I didn't talk to him for a year, entirely supported in this by my mum (she's really great), and he actually did realise that I frankly wasn't tolerating his behaviour anymore. My sister left home and did the same. And since then... he's really made an effort, more than I would have ever believed, to tone himself down. I'm still not comfortable going home, and I only talk to him in tiny tiny doses (we're not a terribly communicative family at the best of times), but it's bearable now.

I can't trust him with my emotional wellbeing, and probably never will, mind. But he doesn't fill more than a small corner of my mind, a not terribly important one. My life doesn't have that much to do with him. I've spent a lot of time analysing and unpacking what was going on in the entire dynamics of our family, which helps me recognise and avert the same patterns in my own behaviour, as I basically worshiped him when I was younger and modelled a lot of myself onto him -- it takes time to do all this work. But it's worth it. It gets better, and easier. I promise <3

[(Anonymous)]

*hugs OP* It sounds like the marriage might be pretty toxic overall (if your mom goes on about the "all men are pigs," sounds like she's not happy either.) But none of that is at all your fault, OP. It sounds like both you and your sister are survivors, and you'll both be out of that environment soon.

Fictional dads are nice, but they ARE fictional. I've never known a dad who was perfect 100% of the time. All you can do is appreciate that 60%. Stay open to befriending older people as you go through life, and you'll get our paternal/maternal fix. :)

[grausam]

Don't feel guilty, OP. You'll see that the best thing you can do is to get strong by being happy & getting away & shake his influence (aside from venting telephone calls, of course).

You can help your sister by being an example, but I don't think there's much you can do now for your mother, because she's probably set in her ways.

[cloud_riven]

Dang. This hits pretty close, right down to the 60% decent human. I'm glad you do have a counselor, regardless of how shitty, and are getting the chance to get out. Nobody should ever say youre abandoning anyone; you're empowering yourself, and raising the possibility to help anyone else imo.

As for your mom changing your dad, don't ever bet on that. Part of the way he treats her is making her feel she is in no position to do better, however subtly or not. Your dad has some self-realisation to do, and he may never come to it.

feotakahari (iirc) and an anon once linked me to a subreddit that somewhat resonated with me, so I may as well share it here. /r/RaisedByNarcissists

I think I also tend to be drawn toward cool dads in media (harry maaaaaaason), although mostly it makes me a bit sullen for how jealous I am of the character's kids.

[(Anonymous)]

When I was growing up, my dad was pretty racist and anti-gay. When I was in high school, he got a different job and ended up working with black people. Suddenly black people are ok! He's never said a bad thing about my cousin's half black baby in my presence. My brother in law is gay, and I told him before he met him that if I ever heard him say anything to or about him, especially to my children, that I would never speak to him again. Now they're facebook friends and he's openly supportive of gay marriage. People can change, and I hope your father does as well.

It was my mom that was the emotionally abusive one, though. It took me years to realize that the reason we weren't allowed to talk about certain things in front of dad wasn't because he would flip out, but because she had lied to him and didn't want to be caught in the lie. I'm 33 now and she still does this.

[lunabee34]

Hugs, OP.

[(Anonymous)]

It's amazing what becomes the norm simply because you've put up with it for so long.

At least you're realizing your father's behavior is shitty and have let go of the guilt you harbored just for how you feel about him.

If anyone judges you for leaving for college then fuck 'em, it's not your job to do the job your parents are bad at doing. You have to live your life and maintain your sanity too. You can always call your sister or come back home, and if any one of these parental figures is so worried about her, they can check on her too.

(Your mom needs to grow a backbone too, and stop playing into the victim mentality if she wants her situation to improve.)

[(Anonymous)]

At 17, you realized it a hell of a lot sooner than I did. I'm genuinely proud of you for being able to acknowledge it.

OP:

[(Anonymous)]

Thanks so much everyone, I'm genuinely touched right now :')
I'm so glad this got the response it did. I've never been able to tell anyone this in real life and I'm SO GLAD that I've been able to realize that there's nothing wrong with me and that just because someone isn't an asshole ALL OF THE TIME doesn't make it okay.

Thanks for the well wishes and I hope you all have a great night (or day, depending on your timezone) :)

[darth_vader]

I've also been through much of what you have. I found that talking to someone like a counselor helped me a great deal. He recommended that I limit my time with my dad, and that made a lot of difference. It also helped me become stronger and able to deal with my dad's crap. You're not abandoning your sister - look at it as paving the way for her. I wish you all the luck in the world. *hugs*

[(Anonymous)]

It took me getting out, and meeting people who didn't have the same opinions as my dad everywhere to really understand how deep his abuse of me went. I'm 29, and from one of those families where you just don't get emotional--abuse didn't exist unless someone hit you.

It took me meeting people away from where I grew up, to tell them my stories, and have them look at me for the first time like 'Hey, that's really fucked up, why would someone do that.' I always figured that if I could just do what my dad wanted (mainly, lose weight)he wouldn't say the things he did, or treat me the way he did. My dad is actually really pleasant around other people, and he only gets really vicious around his own children--my mom told me later, when I was older, that she had been fooled by him as well before they were married. She saw how he treated other people, and other people's children, and thought he would be the same way with us.

I still have a lot of trouble with certain things--I have trouble eating in front of people I don't know extremely well, but especially things that are difficult to eat or inherently messy. I never really knew why, until I remembered that every time my father saw me snack outside of mealtimes, he would ask me if I was grazing, or ask me if I had checked how many calories were in something while I was eating it (or pick up the package and read them to me). I never realized how ingrained he had made the idea of just my needing to eat being the most disgusting thing I could possibly do.

I don't really trust anyone who basically makes their living on people being damaged to actually be able to help anyone, but I hope that even if you don't find one of the rare counselors who actually got into the profession for the right reasons that this is the start of your journey to at least start to put everything he's ever said to you into a place that comes from him, and not because you caused it or because it was your fault for not being able to be something that you could never be.

It's strange, but I actually remember something Gordon Ramsay said about his own abusive father, and that is that you shouldn't forget what he's done, but you have to at least try to forgive him.

I'm still trying, and may never get there, but getting away, not having to deal with that every single day, will do wonders for you. And, once you do that, you will probably be better able to help your sister, should she need it, because you'll be able to see things from a different place.

Best of luck to you and those you love who are affected by what he's done, and those who will love you someday who inevitably will be. (But it's not your fault.)

[(Anonymous)]

Yes, you have it exactly right, fathers aren't supposed to yell at or belittle their families or go into screaming rages.

Anyone who thinks you're a coward for leaving home to go to college is not worth the paper they are printed on. You can still be supportive to your sister and mother without actually living at home.