fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2882 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2882 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Having kids.
Wanting kids.
Being invested in traditional gender roles (or gender stereotyping).
Being arrogant, controlling, or seeing relationships as business deals - as in that Jezebel copypasta from the other day

They're the same as my RL dealbreakers, but in RL I have a few that aren't relevant to fictional characters:
Not wanting to live in a large city (think LA, Chicago, or NYC) - suburbs don't count.
Being so religiously zealous that they mistreat people different from them or "lacking in faith"
Having a higher sex drive than me - this is mostly b/c of several past relationships where my partner had this attitude of "you need to do this for me whenever I want" at times when I wasn't into it - I will NOT put up with entitlement, whining, or begging for sex. It's one of the most unattractive things a person can do, IMO.

Are these things that put your off people in general, or things that put you off someone as a potential partner? I'm only asking because I interpreted the OP's original question as the former.

Things that put me off a crush or romantic interest. That's how I interpreted the question. For people in general, half this list doesn't apply and the other half isn't any of my business.

AYRT I did wonder. Thanks for clarifying.

With the having a higher sex drive thing -- what happens if your sex drive or your partner's sex drive changes? That's something that happens. Would you break up with him/her if suddenly his/her sex drive ramped up, or if yours suddenly took a nose dive?

Also, do you think there's never any instance where it's okay to have sex just to make your partner happy? Do you think there's never any instance where it's okay to say, "hey, we haven't had sex in a long while, and it's kind of bringing me down?" Sex isn't the end-all be-all in a relationship, but it is important (at least, if the people in the relationship aren't asexual), and it kind of sounds like, since you've had bad experiences in the past, you want to shut down any conversation involving a lack of sex.

All I can think about is the three years I spent having next to no sex with my partner. When we got together, our sex drives were evenly matched -- but then mine tanked, and it took years to come back. I don't think it was wrong of him to talk to me about my complete lack of interest and how it was affecting him. Because, as it turns out, it hurts to feel like your partner has stopped wanting you.

Late to reply, so no idea if you'll see this.

I don't think relationships are necessarily "forever" things - if something changes drastically, to the point of hitting a known deal-breaker, then I think it's fair for either partner to leave. Sexual incompatibility is, IMO, just as much of a hurdle as one partner wanting kids and the other not wanting 'em - there's no real compromise, just one person being left unsatisfied, and it's a situation that could easily end a relationship.

Re: conversations - it's not that I don't want a conversation, it's that I don't want whining. If you're going to date me, you're going to know from the start that I move at a glacial pace and I have a very low sex drive. If you're OK with this, great! If you start pressuring me for sex b/c you're not getting enough from me, not so great! Again, it's the whining, wheedling, "you owe me" attitude I have an issue with. (For the record, as long as it's discussed beforehand, I'm OK with partners getting sex from elsewhere.) "We haven't done this in awhile" or "why not try this idea, we might like it" or conversations about desire and our relationship and how to maintain our connection - all these are very different from "I want sex and you won't give it to me."

And in my experience, dealing with someone with a higher sex drive has ALWAYS led to "why won't you give me more, I want it, you're being unfair, you need to do this." In the same way as someone who, for example, won't date someone who does all the annoying shit their ex did, I won't date people with higher sex drives. It's just something I don't want to put up with.

[ SECRET POST #2882 ]

Re: Sort of inspired by number 1

Re: Sort of inspired by number 1

Re: Sort of inspired by number 1

Re: Sort of inspired by number 1

Re: Sort of inspired by number 1

Re: Sort of inspired by number 1