fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2890 ]

[ SECRET POST #2890 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2890 ⌋

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So a year or so ago I went into therapy for some pretty bad depression.
And now I'm noticing just how incredibly NEGATIVE my parents are. Especially my mother. All the time. Some examples:

"I just got back from that interview. I'm kinda nervous."
"Did you fail? You failed, didn't you?"

"Hey, mum, I just did a month's of hard work and finally accomplished this thing I've wanted to do for a really long time, and I'm super excited!"
"That's nice. Now why didn't you do this thing? And this thing?"

She constantly focuses on the negative side of a situation and is incredibly quick to criticise or judge everyone. There'll be someone walking down the street with... idk, tattoos or a weird haircut or something and she'll make a comment about how their lifestyle choices or morally deficient. Meanwhile I couldn't care /less/ what that random stranger does! It's none of my business!

But the worst thing is that I'm staring to notice that /I/ do all that stuff, too. I'm really judgemental and negative and assume the worst. How do you stop being your parents? Especially when you have to live with them? I think being positive would be so much easier if they didn't shoot me down every time I tried to be.

Ah she sounds a great deal like my mom. The thing is, if you are aware of the behavior your don't like, at least you can stop yourself before you say more about it. Think about what you are saying before you say it. After a while you can make it a habit to use an alternative response rather than broadcasting those thoughts you find aversive. I noticed the older I get, the more negative my mother is toward me. Though I'm actually doing quite well in many aspects of my life (not so great in others) She always finds something I am lacking in and complains bitterly about it. So yeah, not much you can do except to try and stop yourself, if you can help it.

Yeah, thanks. I'm already trying to sort of "catch" my thoughts before I accept them, but it's tricky sometimes if you've thought like that for so long.

I also wish I didn't need her approval so much, and that I didn't care so much about what she thinks of me. (Since, again- she's incredibly negative.) Like, I'm pretty sure she cares about me, but she just goes about it in a bad way. So her intention might be "I want to protect you!" but the message I've been getting all along is "You will never be good enough so stop trying."

Then again, she is my parent. I think most people care deeply about what their parents think, since they're usually such an important relationship.

Yeah it's tricky trying to determine how much distance you should have. Especially if you have to live with them. I've found that a certain amount of space between us is the best solution.

Sympathies, anon. My parents can be real downers too, the kind of people where nothing is ever good enough. Over time I developed a thick skin and I tend to ignore their remarks. You can also try calling them out on in in a mild fashion. "Wow, that's awfully negative." or responding as if they said something positive and completely blank them on the negative parts.

"Hey, mum, I just did a month's of hard work and finally accomplished this thing I've wanted to do for a really long time, and I'm super excited!"
"That's nice. Now why didn't you do this thing? And this thing?"
"Thanks! I'm feeling very good about [accomplishment]."

or

"I don't really want to talk about other people like that."

If they persist, leave the conversation. It's carrot or the stick. Your parents behave nicely, they get to communicate with their kid and everything is peachy. They don't behave nicely, welp, time to go.

As for not turning into a negative person yourself, I've heard of going through this checklist:

* Does this need to be said? (in other words, is it kind, it is helpful, etc.)
* Does this need to be said, right now?
* Does this need to be said, right now, by me?

Mostly it's just remembering to be conscious of what you're saying and how you're saying it. Self-correction is a PITA, but eventually you'll teach yourself the good habit of not pissing in other peoples' cornflakes.

Hahaha oh boy do I know how all that feels. So, you're definitely not alone. On the other hand, it's definitely not something that I've solved, so my advice probably won't be that helpful.

I think, first of all, just being aware that you have those habits is a huge improvement. Being aware that you do these things, being conscious of where they come from, and knowing that there are other ways to be. I think that's really the first step to getting out from under your parents - being aware that this is happening in the first place.

Second, I think practice is really key here - trying to make a conscious effort to act and think differently, to retrain yourself. In some ways, I think you can think of these habits of thought as disciplines, and you need to actively put effort into doing something differently. And the good thing is that once you start, it becomes easier to think differently, and you get more insight, and you get more ground about how to improve more. So just put something into practice in terms of trying to be more positive.

It's definitely true that living with parents makes it harder to do that. I'm not sure that there's an ideal way to handle that, though. I know that in dealing with my father, who has a very similar way of acting, my brother and I have taken very recent tacks as we've become more aware of this stuff. My strategy has been to disengage as much as possible - to just limit my interactions with him, and when I am interacting with him, to do my best to keep things on an even keel. My brother has been much more confrontational, trying to call him out on being overly negative when he thinks that's what's happening. I'm not sure whether either strategy is really good, or has been successful, and it's probably down to what the individual person is like, but that's how it's played out for me. And I do think that limiting my interaction with him, and distancing myself from those thought processes, has been really helpful for me.

Um yeah so that's a lot of words to vomit, I know, but I guess I have a lot of thoughts about this. Whether this is useful or not, though, I really do sympathize with you and I hope you figure out a way to sort it out in your own head. I'm pulling for you.

I recognize a lot of this. And the sad thing is, they weren't always like that. I'm not sure if it's age or life getting them down, but man, it's depressing to see even if you're not depressed.

I guess if you have to live with them - try to surround yourself with people who counter that negativity as much as possible.

I think the single most important thing you can do to not emulate the negative aspects of your parents/upbringing is the thing you already did: realize what it is you don't want to be.

Now that you know you have that tendency, work on it! Catch yourself being negative or critical and choose to see the positive. Try to detach yourself from your mom's negative input (or talk to her about it, if you think that would go over well, but don't expect her to change if she doesn't want to).

It might also honestly make a difference that you're in therapy for depression. Depression tends to run in families and people who have it but don't seek treatment often not only suffer themselves but exude suffering into the world around them. A bit of a turning point for me, after a couple of years of untreated depression, was realizing my behavior patterns were turning out to be a lot like my late grandma's* and that I REALLY did not want to grow up to be like her. I was kinda scared of it for a while, but then I also realized that since I was now choosing to get treatment, something she never did, and I was aware of the issues I had, I could also choose to not be like her.

*I never met my grandma but have heard stories. She wasn't a horrible person overall, but as my mom and her siblings were growing up, she had a tendency to be jealous, possessive, mean, and self-centered, and she also had definite mental health issues. I would bet money one of them was depression, since my mom also had it for a bit and my sister and I have both dealt with it. She never sought treatment - and it would probably have been harder for her to get back then even if she had.

Don't worry, anon. My dad has some really awful habits (like assuming he's always right, and verbally abusing the people he cares about) and when I was younger and realized how much I was like him... I jammed on the breaks and slowly stopped myself from becoming him. It wasn't easy, and it took a lot of hard work, introspection, and apologies, but you can succeed in not becoming your parents if you really don't want to.

Sorry, you can't. May as well kill your judgemental ass now.

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[ SECRET POST #2890 ]

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