fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2915 ]

[ SECRET POST #2915 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2915 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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11. [ SPOILERS for Korra ]

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12. [ SPOILERS for Korra ]

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13. [ SPOILERS for Ascension ]

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14. [ SPOILERS for OtGW ]

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15. [ WARNING for rape ]

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16. [ WARNING for rape ]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #416.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Asexuality. Okay, so you don't want/like/feel compelled to have sex. Awesome, go with your bad self and don't have any sex! It's a totally optional thing! But why the hell is it anybody's business except yours (and possibly any partner with whom you wish to make some other sort of arrangement?) More to the point, what makes you think anyone else is INTERESTED?

+10000

i probably qualify as asexual, honestly, but i have no intention as identifying as one due to the community

giving your sexuality right in your profile is one of the worst trends to come out this decade

Agreed. It's completely cool to be who you are and do what you feel right doing (or not doing.) It's also completely unnecessary, and not IMO especially appropriate, to make it absolutely everybody else's business.

I don't know if I'm comfortable with this. It sounds a lot like "stop talking about being gay or gay lifestyles, you gay people. Nobody cares."

Agreed.

Yeah. Thank you.

Except what is an asexual lifestyle exactly? Is it really that different from your average celibate person, except for the community aspect? Unlike gay/bisexual people, asexuals don't have their lives wildly affected by their orientation.

Pressure from all sides to do certain things, expectations you never meet, casual conversations about sexual relationships and such that never relate to you, but people magically forget that you're not interested and keep bringing them up. Because you'll change your mind in the future, they're sure! It's just a phase. You'll get over it and have a nice family in the future and be heteronormative, dear.

As someone who is both queer and asexual, most of the dialogue surrounding either sounds exactly the same to me.

Sounds like the exact same stuff you get whenever a gay/bisexual/straight person isn't dating. So, again, I don't really see the difference.

Because there is none.

Agree.

The thing is though, we're talking about an absence of a thing which is not wanted or missed. There is literally nothing to talk about (unless, perhaps, in the company of other people who feel the same way and get annoyed hearing about said thing nonstop.)

The only reason Random Person X has to even notice an unlamented lack of sex in somebody else's life is if they're being a dick and sticking their nose in that person's business, or if that person insists on calling attention to it--in which case, why?

Put it this way: Do you know anyone who continually goes on about other activities they don't like or do? If so, well, you may nod your head in sympathy for the first round or two (because we've all had the experience of being bombarded with noise about a thing that just doesn't interest us, I'm sure,) but they'll quickly become either boring or irritating, or both. Sex is no different from anything else in that respect.

I think the difference is, people EXPECT you to like sex, and to some extent, talk about it. or even if they don't want you to talk about sex, they'll try to get you to talk about who you find attractive, or whatever. Or bother you about why you're not in a relationship.

This. There's often an attitude of "there must be something wrong with you if you don't want sex", or a snide "sure you don't want to have sex - just couldn't find someone who would do it with you, right?"

It's not OMG!oppression, but even so, it was nice when people started talking about asexuality and I suddenly realized that yes, there were other people choosing not to have sex. It didn't feel quite so weird anymore.

Asexuality is not a "lifestyle," though. It is literally just not having sex. I don't care about how much sex ANYONE is having. Do it all day every day if you want, but don't tell me about it. I really don't want to know about someone else's sex life unless I agree to participate in a discussion about it.

Put differently, if a gay couple walks down the street holding hands, people are going to notice. If an asexual couple walks down the street holding hands, or if an asexual person walks down the street by themselves, no one is going to care. They're two entirely different things.

da

I don't think it's unimportant to have a discussion about asexuality. But I do resent any kind of comparison to homosexuality. Sure, people could theoretically have personal problems being asexual, but there's no oppression or systematic criminalization (religious and/or secular) of asexuality.

So in that sense, as a gay person, I'm not really enthusiastic about asexual people "queering" themselves, because as others have said, it isn't a potentially dangerous "lifestyle" the way homosexuality is.

I know you didn't make that comparison, I'm just saying why I also think some people need to chill about asexuality.

You say that like queer asexuals don't exist.

I'm of the opinion that queer = homosexual or bisexual. So no, I don't think an asexual is queer, by definition.

So an asexual in love with and married to another asexual of the same gender is not gay because they're not having sex? We exist too, you know. It's not like the categories are necessarily totally separate. Of course, that just gives the homophobes even more reason to say "but you don't even like sex why do you choose to be gay"

Hardly all of us are "queering ourselves" when we are queer to begin with.

Anon isn't saying that asexuals can't be gay. Asexuals are not necessarily queer, but they're not necessarily non-queer. It's not the same category for distinction. There are straight asexuals, and they wouldn't be queer, since they're straight. A gay/bi asexual person would be queer, but not because of the asexuality.

Me either.

Except that gay and bi people face real persecution that isn't due strictly to actually having sex. Sure, condemnation of gay sex is part of it and same-sex couples are probably assumed by most to be having sex (or it's assumed that gay sex will happen eventually) and there may be (or were) laws against specific sex acts like sodomy (as if only gay people do that, LOL). However, it's really the public aspects of being gay (like living with a same-sex partner, holding hands, etc.) that spur the hatred and persecution (because how else would anyone know?) and the most burdensome legal and social oppressions are the ones that affect things that cannot be kept entirely in private, like marriage and adoption and simply being able to say "we are a couple."

An asexual person who is homo- or biromantic will face the same issues as anyone who is gay or bisexual, but it has nothing to do with the fact that they aren't having sex and everything to do with the fact that they date or might date people of the same gender. I seriously doubt anyone would say "Okay, I guess we'll legalize same-sex marriage for asexual people because they aren't actually having same-sex sex" and do you really think "but I'm asexual" would cut it as a defense in a place where it's legal to stone gay people to death if you were found to be openly in a romantic relationship with someone of the same gender?

An asexual person dating someone of the opposite sex? No one cares. When I meet two people who identify as a couple, I do not stand there wondering if they have sex. It flat out does not enter my mind to even think about it.

This kind of stuff is why I think asexuality shouldn't be considered an orientation. The aspect of sexuality that seems to matter most is all the social stuff to do with gender preference, not whether or not people are having sex. Not to say that asexuality isn't an important label for the people that identify that way, but it's not the same type of label as gay or bi (or straight, for that matter). So ultimately I guess I agree with the original comment. In the end it's not too much different than saying "when in a relationship, I want to have sex everyday" or "I like being on top" or "I'm turned on by being spanked"...it's important to you, sure, but not really all that relevant to anyone you're not dating.

Have you ever openly expressed that you're not interested in relationships? Or worse--expressing that you're okay with romantic ones, but not sexual ones? You're considered a prude and people seem to short circuit over it.

This is old now, but yeah, people seem to really have a problem with it. The last time the conversation came up it went like this:

Her: So, do you have a boyfriend?
Me: Nope.
Her: Well, why not?
Me: I don't want one.
Her: How come?
Me: Eh, men are too much trouble. *trying to play it off as a joke because I'm at work and this isn't the time or place, plus I barely know her and frankly don't think it's any of her business*
Her: Not if you find the right guy!
Me: Oh, I have a really hard time finding guys I'm compatible with. *meaning 'also asexual' but I don't want to come out and say that because again, it isn't an appropriate setting, and I just really don't feel like getting into it with her*
Her: But my husband and I are complete opposites, we aren't compatible at all, and we've been together for 30 years! It doesn't matter whether you're compatible!

Luckily right then my boss needed me for something and I got to leave, but seriously...if you really feel like it's important to know whether or not someone's in a relationship (and I really question why it's so important) at least drop it when they say they're not and don't want to be. People are just annoying.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #2915 ]

Re: It isn't that important, get over it...

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AYRT

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