fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2935 ]

[ SECRET POST #2935 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2935 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

[Ms. Marvel]

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02.

[Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry in The Great British Bake Off]

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07.

[Phylicia Rashad aka Claire Huxtable from The Cosby Show]

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09.

[Harry Potter]

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10.

[The Giver]

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11.

[Laura Pausini & Thalia]

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12.

[Skullgirls]

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13.

[Iain from Great British Bake Off, series 5]

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14. [ SPOILERS for Doctor Who ]

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15. [ SPOILERS for Hatoful Boyfriend ]

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16. [ SPOILERS for Transformers: Robots in Disguise 2015 ]

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17. [ SPOILERS for Legend of Korra ]

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18. [ SPOILERS for this ]

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19. [ WARNING for abuse ]

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20. [ WARNING for rape ]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #419.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

So when a friend found out she was pregnant, one of the first things she said was, "I don't want to only talk about my baby." Naturally almost all she talks about is... her baby. I don't blame her entirely, it's an exciting time and her son is adorable and I'm sure she's trying to work things out, but I miss when we talked about other things.

I've seen mothers on the internet claim that you almost can't talk about anything else when you have a baby, though, and wanted to know your thoughts on this. I've heard other people say this is bullshit, but a lot of them also seem to think any mention of kids is bad.

I think it depends.

When my brother was born, yeah, a lot of conversation surrounded him, but he wasn't the center of my mom's life. Of course, she also went back to work like two days after he was born (and she was over 40 too).

In those early days, a baby takes up so much time that she may not have the time/energy to really develop "outside" interests.

It might be worthwhile to see if you can find something that she could enjoy with her baby. Classical music maybe?

I know when I was young, to help us fall asleep, my mom took us on long drives and stuff. That might be a good time to do things with your friend/chat.

Nah. I still talked about books and movies and other people's incredibly lame drama-llama and whatnot.

Frankly, i think a)not being a 'babies are adorable!!!! baby talk' kind of person helped, because i didn't *want* to talk about babies before i had mine, and afterward, i only talked about her with people who cared (family) and didn't like to talk to random strangers about her at all.

Fandom, too, helped, since it could stay connected easily with the things i was interested in per-pregnancy/birth.

More often than not, it is true.

And sadly I've lost friends over it.

I have two awesome female friends who are proof of the opposite, and still have a broad interest pool. However my once-best-friend's brain seems to have been permanently affected by babies. It sucks because, for years she said she didn't even want them. Now a girl that I used to talk about boys, horses, travel and Harry Potter is incapable of talking about anything else than her sons.
And I have zero interest in babies.

Doesn't help she was home for 3 ears after her first. Franky I've sort given up on her. Maybe the friendship will rekindle eventually, but maybe not at all.

I see the same with some more casual acquaintances. At least 4 of them sort of "disappeared" after they had kids.

I'm sure it isn't like that for everyone, but I have seen it happen. (Most notably with a friend I've known since middle school, who I've been drifting apart from for years. She doesn't really have anything to say unless it's about her family, and though I don't mind inquiring about her personal life after a certain point there isn't much to say.)

I do get that having kids changes your life though so it's only natural to want to speak about your family. I would assume it's most prevalent at the beginning, but I know lots of people who have older children who still focus on them, so idk.

I imagine it's different for every person, like most things. People who had lots of different interests (or were just particularly passionate about a few) before having children might work harder to find time for those things, but I also bet that once you have kids finding new hobbies or interests (or just being involved in the current ones) sometimes take a backseat to RL.

Kinda depends? I mean I don't blame them if they only talk baby - those things kinda take over your life for a bit and it's probably really hard to get out of the frame of mind where the baby is on your mind at All Times.

I'm sure some talk more than others, but mentioning having a kid isn't bad. But I would also consider it temporary - that first 6 months after birth for sure and maybe still a bit afterwards. Talking about other things will come back again one day, it's just her priorities have temporarily changed.

I wouldn't say it's a permanent state of mind for everyone...and there's not really any way to kind of predict if they will always be like this.

i.e. a real good friend of mine has a 2 month old and...i have not noticed a difference, except that every now and then in addition to talking about pets I find out how the baby is doing.
Another is pregnant and it's mention in convo sometimes but that's it.

Another one I didn't even KNOW had kids, so rarely mentioned! But this one is 5 so can go to school.

But i think if they get into the cycle of only baby, baby every day all day, it'd be hard to break out of it back into social circles.

Perhaps find some kind of regular weekly thing you can do together so she's got a baby-out?

idk, I'm getting a dog and it's all I can think about so I can kinda sympathise - but I also know I'm gonna keep doing other stuff and i won't be only!dog.

Edited 2015-01-17 04:04 (UTC)

Disclaimer: I don't have a child but I have lots of friends with kids.

You know, I think everyone means to have varied interests post-childbirth, it's just that they don't realize how hard that is for a lot of people. Childcare takes up so much of your time and energy, so the hobbies and interests you used to pursue fall by the wayside whether you intend that or not. Which makes sense... it's hard to keep up with your shows and the latest movies when you're chronically short on sleep and so much of your life now revolves around a tiny human who's completely dependent on you.

That said, I wouldn't say it's impossible, just hard. Society is very understanding of new parents (mothers in particular) who are extremely baby-focused. It's viewed as a positive thing... or at least, an expected thing. So people aren't necessarily pushed to do otherwise. In contrast, my friends did a lot of baby-related talk, but they were very eager to talk about something besides their kid just to get a break from it. It can be very isolating, especially if it's one parent who's the primary caregiver.

My best friend has a kid now, and she doesn't just talk about her baby.
She's a bit more restricted for time and we don't go out drinking now, I just come to her and hang out. Our friendship hasn't changed though.

She does tag me in every damn photo of the kid though. I love him, but my facebook wall is basically "HEY LOOK AT MY GODSON. LOOK AT HIM. LOOOOOOOK."

It really does depend on the individual.

I've had friends who would turn even the most unrelated conversations back to talk about their kids, and friends I only met in the first place because they wanted to do things that kept their own activities and interest going after having kids. IME a lot of it depends on the types of personality they have -- i.e. were they maternal home-maker type beforehand anyway, or did they have a lot of outside interests they want to keep up with etc. -- and whether they consider having kids as enriching their lives or becoming their lives.

There's also the fact that we can all turn into bores about the thing we're into at any given moment. It becomes such a focal point of our lives, it stands to reason that all our conversation revolves around it because our thoughts revolve around it constantly. It's possible your friend doesn't even realize she's talking so much about her baby. If you don't think she'd be offended/hurt by it, then I don't see any harm in bringing a lot of other, different topics of conversation to the table and seeing if anything sparks her interest.

babies are a huge time and effort investment so it doesnt surprise me that people who have infants in their care tend to focus on them with their thoughts and conversations. i dont think it's a huge deal. i dont understand why it drives so many people crazy.

I see no people driven crazy in the above thread. I see people complaining that the ONLY topic of conversation for SOME people is their children. And others stating that hasn't been their experience. It seems to be a drama free zone.

Might depend on the age of the baby? When they're really little and the mom's still adjusting to the new situation and kind of obsessed with the responsibility, I think it's only natural if the baby's what she thinks and talks about most. That might change as the baby gets older and she gets more confident. (Of course, it might not, since they do get more interesting as they get older, too...)

Full disclosure, I'm a mother of two, an 11 year old girl and a 6 year old boy. When my daughter was a few months old, a co-worker said when she heard a certain song, she always thought of me. Beautiful Mess, by some country band. It was because all I thought about was my daughter. She had basically been absorbed into my DNA. But I tried to remind myself that just because my world had drastically altered, it was just me, and not my friends and co-workers without children. I tried very hard not to have every conversation begin and end with what my baby said or did that day that I thought everyone would find as adorable as me, because in the rational part of my mind I knew they didn't.

Be patient with your friend, it won't always be like this. There will be a time when her personality readjusts itself and she'll want to talk about almost anything but her kids. :)

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[ SECRET POST #2935 ]

Does having a baby drastically alter your interest pool?

Re: Does having a baby drastically alter your interest pool?

Re: Does having a baby drastically alter your interest pool?

Re: Does having a baby drastically alter your interest pool?

Re: Does having a baby drastically alter your interest pool?

Re: Does having a baby drastically alter your interest pool?

Re: Does having a baby drastically alter your interest pool?

Re: Does having a baby drastically alter your interest pool?

Re: Does having a baby drastically alter your interest pool?

Re: Does having a baby drastically alter your interest pool?

Re: Does having a baby drastically alter your interest pool?

Re: Does having a baby drastically alter your interest pool?

Re: Does having a baby drastically alter your interest pool?