fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2948 ]

[ SECRET POST #2948 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2948 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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So I made a friend in fandom, and in the beginning, they were pretty entertaining and fun to talk to. But as we talked more and more, and I learned more about them, the less I could approve of the way they lived. They're on the autism spectrum (Aspergers), and I was aware of that, and tried to not show my bewilderment at the things they did and be as open as I could. I'm not in charge of their life, after all.

I wont go into detail of what they did to make me really uncomfortable around them, but how they used their illness really peeved me: Whenever I pointed out they did something wrong, they'd go on saying they knew they were messed up, then continued to be the way they were. When their doctor gave them a new diagnosis of what was wrong with them, they used that as a new justification for their behavior (they were diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder). They deluded themself into think all their problems can be solved by miracle medicine, since BPD can supposedly be cured... and that was the last straw.

I don't think they're a horrible person, just... I know now they don't want to change anything if it isn't "easy", and they have some pretty unhealthy and obsessive habits. Not even being forced into a psych ward for a few days changed them. They just talked it about like "Wow I'm more messed up than I thought. Now I have even more justification for my behavior."

I stopped talking with them because of school taking up a lot of my time. We don't talk anymore, and I think I'm more relieved than I think I should be. Some part of me wishes to reconnect with them, but the other part's going "what's the point?". I don't know anymore.

People with BPD are notoriously difficult to deal with. This is really typical for the disorder, and often you'll see cycles of infatuation/disdain with really extreme cases. When you're talking to them you'll be their favorite person in the world but as soon as you leave they can't believe they even talk to you because ____ is actually their favorite person in the world (usually the person they happen to be talking to at that moment).

Don't feel too bad about this. I don't think anyone would say you have a duty to try to navigate someone's destructive behaviour, even if they do have issues with mental illness. Friend or not, your own personal well-being still comes first.

I have a friend who acts a bit like that too, but I like talking to them enough that I'm willing to deal with it and the frequent "that's not an excuse" discussions. If you think this person is worth it then I think you should go ahead and reconnect. But it's okay if the idea of talking to them again is too frustrating and you just want to let it drop.

I don't know if this will help, but cracked.com recently ran an article about Borderline Personality Disorder:

http://www.cracked.com/article_22010_5-realities-life-people-with-borderline-personalities.html

In particular, this post reminded me of your situation:

"My younger brother is a diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer (after being mistakenly diagnosed as Bi-Polar for a few years).

I love my brother, and logically, I understand that he's ill. But emotionally? Goddamn is it hard to give him the benefit of the doubt sometimes. You have to walk on eggshells around him, and I really wish I didn't think this way, but sometimes I'm positive he uses his illness as an excuse to be an a*****e.

I just don't know if I'll ever be able to *not* parse his shittiest behavior that way - is he acting on impulses he can't control? Or is just being a dick? Is he telling our mother to eff off and stop butting into his life, or is he just being an ungrateful prick? Is he skipping work because he's battling with some stuff that I just can't understand, or is he just being a lazy asshole? And I guess that's one of the roughest parts of BPD - so many of the harshest "symptoms" just look like the behavior of a selfish, arrogant, entitled asshat. It's so easy to write them off being someone you don't want to associate with, which just isn't necessarily the case.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_22010_5-realities-life-people-with-borderline-personalities.html#ixzz3QGRR71Zn"

I think part of the issue with mental disorders is you never know what is the person and what is the disease, even for the person suffering they don't always know.

You're not obligated to be friends with anyone, but if you do decide to continue the friendship you may want to pull back a bit and have very strict boundaries. My own mental issues makes it so I don't like to completely abandon people, but I've also had people take advantage of that so I like to have boundaries.

This. People with borderline in particular have a really hard time with boundaries, so it's VERY important to maintain yours and not let them cross lines with you.

Look, I'm not borderline or on the spectrum, but I AM severely mentally ill. And speaking as someone who's crazy, our crazy is not your problem, and you shouldn't have to MAKE it your problem. Mental illness is an explanation, not an excuse. Even if there IS a cure, it requires lots of hard work and slogging and most of all, COPING. You can't just skip to the cure. There's a ton of management first, and sometimes, management is as far as you get.

Sometimes, you just don't have the energy to deal with someone, and that's okay.

--Rogan

This.

I have bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed almost five years ago. Since then, I've gotten a lot better at recognizing where my own mood is and how it might be having negative effects on my behavior.

But this? Is my shit to deal with. And your friend's Aspergers/BPD is their shit to deal with. If you want to help them, fine. But you cannot fix them, any more than any of my friends could fix my bipolar.

Also, because they are my friends, I listen to them when they do tell me something they are worried about. Such as "you seem to be a little withdrawn, maybe you're depressed?" Or "you've been talking a mile a minute all afternoon so maybe you're starting to go manic?" Because they are outside my head and not wrapped up in my Crazy, they can sometimes see things I can't.

But it's not their responsibility, it's mine. And while I would hate to lose any of my friends, I would also hate for them to see me as a burden that they are obligated to take care of even though they don't actually like me anymore.

Because of this, I do my best to manage my own shit, so they're not stuck dealing with it every time we hang out.

Yup! I try to cultivate a lot of friends, with the interest of not draining them. If I have a friend who can't handle one facet of me, that's okay, because I have others who can! So by keeping a lot of friends, I'm able to be less draining and spare myself some sanity. (Plus have a nice active social life, which isn't a bad thing either.)

I really appreciate when they can offer insights into my behavior and thought process, from their outsider standpoint, but I try to tell folks beforehand that if they do not feel up to running support for me, that's okay. A lot of them are dealing with their own shit, so I don't want to drain THEM.

--Rogan

I had a friend with Asperger's once and they often used it as an excuse. They'd lash out at people, saying extremely hurtful things, and then saying "Oh I didn't really mean it, just having a moment." Then shortly later, they'd say the same hurtful things. It was pretty much bullying.

I currently have friends with Asperger's who own up to any mistakes they make and accept that, even with their illness, it's not a good thing to do and they apologize for their behavior. They want others to let them know when they're being mean so they can fix the problem. Sometimes they misunderstood what someone was saying and took offense, and they just need clarification.

In your position, I'd just let the friendship die. If someone has an illness or disorder and they're not trying to do anything to help it when they have the ability to do so... nah. You're probably remembering the fun times you had with them, but if they're treating their illness like it's an excuse for bad behavior, leave them alone. You'll just end up stressing yourself out.

I think you should cut ties. Now, before you feel bad, consider this:

Let's say you have a friend who broke his leg. This friend, though, refuses to get help or look for a treatment option and instead, uses his broken leg as an excuse to have everyone cater to his every whim. Even if the injury is permanent and he can no longer walk, he makes no effort to look into alternative modes of mobility. He just sits in bed all day and expects to be waited on hand and foot.

That's what it sounds like your friend is doing. Your friend may have a mental disorder, but if they're refusing to get help and use it as an excuse to treat the people around them horribly, then they're abusive.

Messing up is understandable. But when people refuse to own up to it and get help, then it's not a problem with the illness so much as it is the person.

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[ SECRET POST #2948 ]

Re: Burdensome friend (talk of mental disorders)

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Re: Burdensome friend (talk of mental disorders)

Re: Burdensome friend (talk of mental disorders)

Re: Burdensome friend (talk of mental disorders)

Re: Burdensome friend (talk of mental disorders)

Re: Burdensome friend (talk of mental disorders)

Re: Burdensome friend (talk of mental disorders)