fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3003 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3003 ⌋

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Hey F!S. So, I have a brother. I used to be very close to this brother, but we stopped speaking last year. Well, I stopped speaking to him. He still talks to my dad, and from what I've heard, he's really bitter over the fact that I started ignoring him. But here's the thing: for the entirety of last year, up until late winter, I was devotedly helping my brother with the huge mess he'd made of his personal life.

I abandoned my schoolwork and passed up multiple job opportunities for myself, all so I had more time to help him. I went long periods without sleeping and barely ate because of the stress I was going through. (I also kept myself awake because I was worried he would call me while I was asleep.) I gave no thought for myself and only cared about his happiness and well-being.

Last fall, I was officially diagnosed with codependency by a psychologist, although I'd already diagnosed myself at that point. (I was aware there was something wrong with me, and I was glad to finally have a name for it.) Shortly after, my brother ended up right back where he'd been the year before. (Tons of bills he couldn't pay, drama with his ex, the rest of our family was fed up with him, etc.)
My brother blamed me for everything. He said I'd forced him to stay with our parents (In reality, I talked him into it, but that was it), and that he'd never asked me for help. (He didn't, but he didn't refuse it either.) He then fled to another state. It broke my heart, and I felt like I'd failed him.

Now, I'm enrolled in college and working part-time. My low self-esteem and anxiety have improved. My life has finally taken a turn for the better. My brother's talking my dad, who's giving him advice about various problems he's having. His life is still a mess, although he seems to be trying to do better. Occasionally, he makes a post on Facebook, talking about how it feels to have everyone in his life abandon him. I try not to let it get to me.

Since he left, my brother has only contacted me twice, asking me for the phone numbers of family members who don't talk to him anymore. I didn't respond because I didn't want to get stuck being his messenger again. He hasn't tried to just talk to me without requests or demands. I haven't contacted him because I'm scared of getting sucked back into the codependent relationship I had with him.

I'm sorry for the TL;DR. My question is: Am I being a bitch by ignoring him? Our sister seems to think so. I feel guilty every time his name comes up. Should I talk to him? Is it being selfish to put my mental health first?

I think you have to put your mental health first, especially when you're dealing with someone who is toxic in that way. I don't think you have to never talk to him again, but you need to get to a place where it's possible for you to think about doing so in a healthy way.

You could also try writing him a letter or I guess some kind of internet message explaining where you're at, and then not allowing yourself to get drawn into any dialogue coming out of it. I don't know how well it'd work, depends a lot on a lot of stuff.

but don't feel guilty because your brother's an ass.

Sort yourself out first. If you can't get over feeling guilty right now, send him one message explaining your situation and then block him from your e-life until you feel ready to deal with him.

So let's see if I have this right: after he FUBARed his personal and financial life, he blamed you for trying to help him. Months later, he has only contacted you to ask for other people's contact information, and he hasn't expressed the slightest bit of concern or interest in you, personally.

And you're the bitch? And he's making passive-aggressive vagueposts on Facebook, moaning about how "everyone abandons him"?

Oh, please!

Time to your own life and needs first!

^ agreeing with anon here. OP, you need to put yourself and your mental health first. Your brother is not good for either.

It sounds like you have way too many issues, and far too much bias, for anyone on an anonymous journal system to be able to give you sound advice.

There are some times when you have to suck it up, wade in at your own expense, and try to mop up something you are capable of handling. Other times, you need to flee for your own safety and sanity.

I personally cannot decide for you which you are capable of.

All I can do is give you an example from my own life, and maybe my own actions will give you some ideas. I have a twin. This twin threw over her entire genitive family in order to be with her boyfriend. This family includes parents who love her (who also run a very high maintenance dairy farm), siblings who love her, and unlimited access to home and resources that a small town can provide. But she was just mean and nasty and spiteful and hurtful so she could get her own way.

Her own emotional and personality disorders made her feel justified in acting like a complete douche to all of her family in order to curry favor with her boyfriend. This emotionally and physically devastated our parents, and me. My twin was in no way justified in treating our parents the way she did, and she has apologized for the way she acted, which has led to a lot of friction in my family.

At this time, I was a full time graduate student who lived a few hundred miles away. Hearing about how much havoc she was wreaking for my parents, I came home every few weeks, in spite of having a new life and a lot of work, to help out with their farm, since my sister flat out refused in spite of still living at home.

Stretching myself so thin between my family life and school, and getting emotionally clobbered, several physical conditions (epilepsy created by some other stuff) I'd had worsened to the point where they became dangerous. Still, I come back home every few weeks to help out my parents, and stay as a buffer between my parents and my sister. My sister moved out, but she is still constantly needling at my parents because she is a mean, mean person.

For me personally, I put my physical and mental health at risk to try to stabilize my family. I always will, because that is me. You just have to figure out where your priorities are.

"If you are taveling with a child, secure your own oxygen mask before assisting the child."

Your brother is a narcissistic asshole and some of your family seems to be coddling him instead of addressing that he needs to do some serious self reflection. You did nothing wrong here. Good for you for refusing to be used by him anymore. His need for family contacts is very transparent as being manipulative, after all it seems like it's more people he can use up before they get tired of it. And you need to take care of yourself first; keep refusing to give into his requests because that's all they are. The fact that he blamed you for everything after how he screwed up is proof of that.

You concentrate on your own health first. You're not being a bitch by taking care of your own needs, and anyone to tell you you are is an idiot and a terrible person.

[ SECRET POST #3003 ]

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