[ SECRET POST #3051 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3051 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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09. http://i.imgur.com/PRt3TMa.jpg
[linked for nsfw (graphic illustrated porn and maybe gore? I can't tell)]
















Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 029 secrets from Secret Submission Post #436.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

04. http://i.imgur.com/95OwRJM.png

[(Anonymous)]

It's so fucking bad (the movie; I haven't read the book but I assume it's similar).

I'm not a hugely judgmental person, and I watched it thinking that it would be, basically, schlock that wasn't mean to appeal to me, but basically just schlock. And it wasn't, it was really really fucking bad in a way that was extremely unpleasant and just made me really, really unhappy in a way that works of fiction almost never do.

Fuck that fucking stupid-ass movie.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm curious: could you elaborate more? I haven't read the book or watched the movie, although I know a lot through osmosis, and I really want to know what about it was really unpleasant and unhappy.

[(Anonymous)]

Um, if you had to boil it down, I would say it's three main things. First, the main characters are both fairly unlikable. Second, the relationship really does come across as... I don't want to say abusive, but definitely extremely unhealthy. Third, the two lead actors had no chemistry.

So it was kind of, you had two unpleasant people, and watching them on screen together was unpleasant and awkward, and they were doing awful, stupid things without appearing to be aware that they were awful and stupid. And all of those things kind of played into each other - maybe the relationship wouldn't have come across so bad if the actors had better chemistry - but as it was it just seemed... nasty. Mean spirited, almost.

[kallanda_lee]

Eh, it's not my kink, and the film is laughable in some places, and the main actors have shit chemistry - but on the bright side it seems to do slightly better in terms of consent than the books. And if ou enjoy the aesthetic, you might as well find a places to torrent it or whatever.

[(Anonymous)]

I've never read the book, I'm gay and not into het romance. But I saw the movie for the lolz with a friend and the sex montages were pretty fun, imo. Especially with the dramatic music playing in the background, or Beyonce's cover of Crazy Right Now (which is hot as fuck).

Just fast forward through all the actual "plot" bits.

[alexi_lupin]

It's Crazy in Love and it's not a cover, it's a remix I guess. It's her song originally. Well, her and Jay-Z.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm tempted to watch for Jamie Dornan, but something about this actress rubs me the wrong way.

[iceyred]

He was pretty bland and unlikeable. I never got why people thought he was oh so hot.

[(Anonymous)]

da

He IS hot, just not in this movie. I mean he's okay looking, but he's one of the few men, imo, that actually need stubble. Clean-shaven did him no favors.

[(Anonymous)]

Have you seen The Fall? It takes a lot of talent to make a creepy serial killer that smoking hot.

[(Anonymous)]

I agree. He just as no charisma. He's so bland.

[(Anonymous)]

Well she is Melanie Griffin and Don Johnson's daughter. The apple probably does not fall far from the talent tree.

[iceyred]

Spanking and bondage are kinks of mine and this movie was still boring. Surely there is better quasi-porn out there.

[purpleseas]

It's the least sexy movie ever made. There are Holocaust movies with more heat, seriously. I mean, I'm not into BDSM and that image doesn't do anything for me, but there are just so many pop songs played over the sex that it's like watching a really long 90s Madonna video. Literally all he does is tie her up, spank or flog her a little bit while pacing around and looking indifferent, then fuck her, once or twice from behind, omg so kinky. It feels really obligatory, and he doesn't seem particularly turned on by it until the end. There's some good unintentional humor in it, though, particularly this bit where he takes a bite of her toast. Dornan is so stiff and uncomfortable and unappealing, while Johnson sells the fuck out of her role, so you're watching this soft, sweet, sensual young woman fall in love with a really basic sexbot that looks constipated all the time. This thing grabs her face like 9000 times and she manages to melt believably every time, it's a hell of a performance. I wouldn't have been surprised to see him revealed as a serial killer at any point, and they lampshade this in funny ways, but he's so incredibly bland and pathetically insecure that there's not even a credible threat there. Holy fuck is he boring.

[thistlechaser]

While I haven't seen the movie, I'm confident saying that your review of it is more entertaining than the movie could ever be.

[purpleseas]

Haha, thanks.

WATCH FIFTY SHADES SEX SCENES HERE

[chardmonster]

http://www.youdubber.com/index.php?video=5k6C7gK8Skc&video_start=0&audio=KCamCYip2t4&audio_start=0

Everything you needed to know about the movie...

[cbrachyrhynchos]

"The global appeal of the novel has led some fans to hallow it as a classic, but, with all due respect, it is not to be confused with “Madame Bovary.” Rather, “Fifty Shades of Grey” is the kind of book that Madame Bovary would read. Yet we should not begrudge E. L. James her triumph, for she has, in her lumbering fashion, tapped into a truth that often eludes more elegant writers—that eternal disappointment, deep in the human heart, at the failure of our loved ones to acquire their own helipad."

...

"He spends half the time badgering her about a contract that has been drawn up, in which she—“the Submissive”—must consent to his supremacy. Clauses and subsections are haggled over in such detail that one feels bound to ask: How much of a sex film can this be, given that the people most likely to be turned on by it are lawyers?"

...

"“Fifty Shades of Grey” is being released in time for Valentine’s Day. That’s a bold move, since the film is not just unromantic but specifically anti-romantic; take your valentine along, by all means, but, be warned, it’ll be like watching “Rosemary’s Baby” at Christmas. Try holding hands as the hero taunts the rituals of sentiment, such as going out for dinner and a movie: “That’s not really my thing.” What his thing actually is, Lord knows, although, to judge by the importance that he attaches to grooming, regular feeding, and nicely buffed leather goods, my suspicion is that he doesn’t want a girlfriend at all. I know Mr. Grey’s whopping-big secret. He wants a pony. "

- http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/02/23/pain-gain

Re: Everything you needed to know about the movie...

[ketita]

Those are hilarious.

Re: Everything you needed to know about the movie...

[lb_lee]

I actually have a friend who works in patent law, and is painfully familiar with contracts. We MSTed the 50 Shades contract together.

It was so much fun, you wouldn't even have known there wasn't alcohol involved!

--Rogan

Re: Everything you needed to know about the movie...

[(Anonymous)]

I love Anthony Lane, and have ever since he said the Demi Moore Scarlet Letter was derived from Hawthone in he same sense that methane is derived from cows.

Transcript

[(Anonymous)]

Image: whatsername from Fifty Shades of Gray tied to the bed and blindfolded, apparently enjoying herself

Text: I believe in reading books before criticizing them, but I couldn't finish this one for the life of me.

That said, this one shot nearly convinced me to see the movie. Unf.

Maybe I'll get the DVD from the library and watch on mute…

[(Anonymous)]

the only "hot" parts were spliced together in the trailer, in the movie they're absolutely boring and tedious

[(Anonymous)]

I've read the book (ick) and seen the movie. I have to say that I liked the movie a lot better, though some of the acting was wooden. It was more entertaining and the dialogue wasn't as obnoxious. Give it a try, the sex scenes were fun.