[ SECRET POST #3056 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3056 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 062 secrets from Secret Submission Post #437.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Re: OP

[herpymcderp]

The answer is that in order to continue having a relationship with your mother it needs to evolve into one of mutual respect; more of a friendship between equals than an authoritarian parent-child hierarchy. This is how normal, healthy adult relationships between parents and children progress. It's not an unheard of, fringe phenomenon. It actually sounds like this is what she's trying to do by badgering you about your sex life; she may be trying to get you to share your intimate details in order to forge a more adult relationship.

Unfortunately, to really have that kind of relationship you will need to take a risk and come clean about who you are and what you actually want out of life. If you mother can't respect that (or at least can't immediately respect that) then that is her issue, not yours. She might be more understanding than you assume if she knows it is something that is a personal issue to you. On the other hand she might not, and she might try to pressure you into seeing a sex therapist or something equally narrow-minded (it's fine to be asexual and you do not need to seek help for it if it isn't something you want to change).

In the event of that circumstance, it might be best to take a small break from communicating with her until she can better come to grips with who you are and understand her mistakes.

I hope it works out, but the bottom line is that in order to get respect sometimes you need to demand it.

OP

[(Anonymous)]

I'm not really sure how to respond to this. Maybe I'm misinterpreting your comments, but the implication I'm getting is that not wanting to tell your parents about your sex life is somehow childish or immature, and "This is how normal, healthy adult relationships between parents and children progress." seems a little patronizing to be honest. I've never heard anyone say that parents and adult children discussing their sex lives with each other is the way to have a "normal, healthy" relationship. I haven't gone into detail on this subject with anyone, but I have mentioned the "mom wanting to talk about our sex lives" thing with a few people, and they've all thought it was incredibly weird. Everything I've seen and heard about mothers telling their kids about their sex lives is that it's inappropriate and in violation of certain boundaries, so the idea that it's a good thing to discuss with a parent is a bizarre notion to me.

As I've addressed in other comments, I think telling her would make the situation worse and just give her one more piece of ammo to use against me when I do something she doesn't like. As far as coming clean about what I actually want out of life, I have told her that. There's a lot more to "what I want out of life" than just not wanting sex. Despite wondering about whether I can find another asexual for a hypothetical future relationship, I'm not entirely sure I even want a relationship, and she knows about that. She knows I definitely don't want kids and don't know whether or not I want to get married. She doesn't know the details of what I do and don't want sexually because of her hostility towards the subject, but even if she didn't feel the way she does, I don't see why it's relevant to my relationship with her. Do you tell your mother what you do and don't like doing sexually? If you do and you're comfortable with it, that's fine for you, and maybe it's a difference in cultures, I don't know, but it's not something that's ever been deemed appropriate in the environment I grew up in, and not something I'm interested in discussing with her.

Anyway, thanks for your comment, it's given me a lot to think about.

Re: OP

[herpymcderp]

You've vastly misinterpreted my advice. The tl;dr version is "tell your mom you don't want to talk about your sex life because you're not interested in sex". That's really the only way to get her to stop and the only way to not feel like shit for her being offensive about it. The implication is that normal healthy relationships progress to mutual respect, not the parent demanding information from the child, and certainly not to talking about particular subjects.

If she fails to respect you, then cutting ties is the only other option.

Either way, the only way you are going to be able to stop this cycle is to "come out", so to speak. That decision is up to you, but otherwise you choose to let her continue to make hurtful comments without her knowing that they are personally affecting you.

OP

[(Anonymous)]

Ah, that makes sense. Sorry for misunderstanding!

It sounds logical that I need to tell her her comments are affecting me personally, but as I've said elsewhere in this thread, I'm afraid that her comments would be even worse if she did know, and it'd just give her something else to use against me. I guess I won't know for sure unless I try, though.

Re: OP

[herpymcderp]

If her comments get worse, then you can be assured that it's time to stop talking to her and cut ties until she gets her act together. You don't deserve to have to take that kind of verbal abuse just because she's your mother.