fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3057 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3057 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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02.

[Polandball]

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03.

[The X-Files]

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04.

[Nick Lea/Krycek]

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05.

[Plague Inc Evolved]

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06.

(Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

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07.

[Grimm]

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08.

[Discworld]

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09.

[Magi the labrynth of magic]

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10.

[The Clangers]

Notes:

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I have a close friend who is in the same graduate program as me - it's a pretty difficult program, and does require a lot of research and studying. I manage okay, but my friend is not doing well. She does cram super long study sessions and has put plenty of work into her studies, but she's drank and partied a lot of her year, too (subsequently coming to class wasted on a few occasions) - coupled with the fact that professors have recently suggested she might be dyslexic, she's had a hard time even getting barely passing marks. We're having exams and getting marks back on essays now and things are not looking well for her.

I want to reassure her, tell her she's going to be fine, and kill the rest of her courses, and write an awesome dissertation, but I'm not sure that's true. We just took a test that she's pretty sure she failed, and I'm pretty sure she did, too, so I don't know what to say to that.

She's really upset and emotional right now, and I want to help her talk it out and make her feel better. But what do I say? I'm afraid to tell her she's definitely going to pass the program because I'm not sure if she will, and I feel like my reassurances will only hurt worse if she doesn't - and if she does fail, what am I supposed to say then?

So basically, how to you help reassure a friend in need of kind words, when you can't genuinely say anything optimistic to them?

Just reassure her that no matter what happens you'll be there to support her and that you're rooting for her to pass (give no assurances as to whether you think she'll actually pass, just tell her that you're hoping she passes.) Then stick by that so that if she does by slim chance pass, she's got somebody to celebrate with and if she fails, she's got someone to lean on.

It's also important to not pass judgment if she fails -- don't be like "well maybe if you hadn't drank too much, etc." because even though you'd be absolutely correct, it's not really the right time to bring that up, because I guarantee you she's probably well aware it's her own fault but isn't ready to face that yet. Just tell her "I have faith that you can do better next time" and don't let her quit.

Edited 2015-05-18 23:21 (UTC)

ayrt

Thanks. Yeah, I don't want to approach the alcohol thing because that's not going to help her to hear. But after the first semester, she vowed to drink less, but two weeks into the second semester she was carrying on as before - at that point, I was tempted to say something as her friend, but she's an adult, it's her choice. Now I've just get these awkward moments with her where she's like, "Maybe I shouldn't have drank so much this semester" and I sort of agree in the most noncommittal way possible. It's too late now anyway, I guess.

I've just tried to focus on how it's awesome how hard she's worked, and tell her if she needs someone to rant to, I'm there. But I don't want to sound condescending either, especially before we know for certain if she failed or not.

I think at this point you may want to keep an eye on her and keep her from drinking again. You'd be doing her a disservice if you just let her keep going as she was going, especially since she's already backslid from her own resolution to drink less (which honestly you should have nipped in the bud.) And if she fails, she may want to crawl into a bottle. Don't let her.

Does her continuance in the program, or her funding, depend on how she did this term? Because if she was already on academic probation, or was warned that her funding would be cut if she had a poor semester, then it sounds like she's out, and about the only encouraging thing you can say is that even if she failed at this program, she can still succeed at something else. Maybe the failure just means that the program is a wrong fit for her

If there's an opportunity to salvage her standing, then tell her that. But I think she kind of has to view it as an opportunity to shape up, and have a concrete plan to do that. If she's showing up to class wasted, I kind of wonder how serious she is.

Obviously stay optimistic, but maybe in this situation it'd be better to try putting a positive spin on the alternatives?

E.g. if she can retake certain tests or redo a part of the program, then make that option seem as positive an opportunity as possible. If things absolutely cannot be salvaged this year and need to be fixed, then make the fixing look like a great thing. Be supportive of the fixing.

When it comes to rest of her courses and her dissertation, is it too late to get some help with those for her? Supporting her to get help -- be it tutoring, or someone to glance over the dissertation etc. -- might also be a good idea. Again, give her options and make them sound great, because right now she probably views all those options as failures rather than opportunities.

Given what you say about her behavior it's likely she's very aware of her situation (and the role she's played in it) so I doubt she'd actually take your reassurances as gospel. Most likely she knows they're platitudes to make her feel better, so don't feel bad about that.

Hmm, I'd have an easier time answering if you were the one who was afraid you failed. One of the best things I did for myself was learn to always have a back-up plan in place in case something like this happened and accept that plan as being just as valid as the original plan rather than a sign that I was a failure at life. It's been really helpful to be constantly reminding myself of all the options I have and focus on moving forward.

But I don't know how to take this and offer a way to give this suggestion to someone who may not be looking for an attitude change.

idk, OP

I was in a similar position with a friend a few years ago (except I wasn't also a student, and the program my friend was in was fairly easy and she was just very immature and irresponsible at the time). I think I have to nth what other people have said. Don't promise her she'll pass. Don't promise her that things'll turn around.

Optimism doesn't have to take the form of 'this specific situation will turn out great! :D' You can be optimistic by helping her come up with OTHER ways to succeed. Obviously this program hasn't worked out, and maybe if she'd been diligent rather than slacking off she STILL wouldn't be passing. Maybe it's just too difficult for her, or she needs specific help, or she's not responsible enough to handle it and needs a serious wakeup call. Whatever the case, if this doesn't work out you can still be there to help her pick up the pieces and find a new path.

[ SECRET POST #3057 ]

Reassuring friends from their anxieties (when their anxieties are justified)

Re: Reassuring friends from their anxieties (when their anxieties are justified)

Re: Reassuring friends from their anxieties (when their anxieties are justified)

Re: Reassuring friends from their anxieties (when their anxieties are justified)

Re: Reassuring friends from their anxieties (when their anxieties are justified)

Re: Reassuring friends from their anxieties (when their anxieties are justified)

Re: Reassuring friends from their anxieties (when their anxieties are justified)

Re: Reassuring friends from their anxieties (when their anxieties are justified)