fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3065 ]

[ SECRET POST #3065 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3065 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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02.

[The Witcher 3]

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03.

[Shakin Stevens]

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[The Godfather II]

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[A Redtail's Dream]

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[David Lynch & David Cronenberg]

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[Laurell K. Hamilton]

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08.

[Big Bang Theory]

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09.

(Richard Dawkins)

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 034 secrets from Secret Submission Post #438.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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Y'all I need to get something out: Another one of my friends is having a baby with a person he loves and it's really making me think about my views on relationships and attraction.

Because here's the thing: I'm not averse to the idea of being in a relationship. I'm not even averse to the idea of sex with people. But...let's just say, I've been working one night a week with someone (we'll call him Work Guy) for a year and a half and have only just recently realized that if he wanted to go on a date with me, I wouldn't say no. And he's pretty much the only one I feel that way about, and I'm not sexually attracted to him yet. I'm not sexually attracted to ANYONE, because for me that's just something that comes later.

And that's just really not a good way to find love. But I have no interest in dating for the purpose of finding love. For me, dating is something you do with the person you love or feel close enough to that you think you could love.

Does that make sense? Is it reasonable to expect that somewhere, there's somebody else out there who feels the same way and we might stumble upon each other? Or have I been burned by Chandler/Monica level expectations that wormed their way into my very soul? Or am I just a giant weirdo?

I don't know. I just know that I'm a 32-year-old virgin whose never been on a date and am finally starting to realize that maybe I'm just wired for a way that ultimately promotes a loneliness I'm starting to feel like I might not want. But I don't know how to change myself into the sort of person who feels differently about how starting relationships works, or if I even like the idea of trying to change myself in that way, like the way I am now is bad or wrong. I like who I am, I just don't like that it probably means I'll never have a real partner in life.

(Also: How does one make friends as an adult? Because I've got my friends from high school, who are spread about the country, and I've got my work friends...who are work friends, and that's...really it. Oh, and I recently joined management, so being so bold as to actually ask Work Guy or any other work friend out would be hella frowned upon.)

Are you sexually attracted to anyone? You said "it comes later" but are you sure it does? Has it ever?

To a degree. I'm not asexual, and if we could avoid this becoming a "but are you suuuuuure??" thread, I'd appreciate it.

I wasn't doubting your orientation, more like trying to be clear on what it is before trying to tackle the advice portion. Sorry if it came off that way.

Ten bucks says OP'd say they were demi except for the shitstorm it'd stir.

AYRT

As far as I see, you're the only one bringing it up.

Yeeeeaaaah? That was kinda the point. OP'll never say it but read b/t the lines. Everything they say is what the demi crowd says when they're all "I have to know someone really well before I fuck them!"

AYRT

What I meant to say that obviously didn't get across was I don't really care.

But feel free to go ahead and keep wanking all by yourself about whatever ruffled your feathers so hard??

I don't think you're weird, I think most people would prefer to be friends with someone or just find someone randomly and have love happen.

And sometimes, people get lucky and that happens, but most of the reason people date is because they have realized that they're not really prone to luck and there's not a very good chance of just stumbling across someone you're really attracted to where everything clicks.

That's why people date. That's why there are social clubs for adults who are looking to find a relationship. That's why there are a billion services for working adults who want to find a partner but have no time or aren't social enough to just be out there talking to people all the time.

Well, you may want to just try going on some dates for a while. I feel you on the dating issue. If it's not fun in and of itself for you, then it's a shitty and tedious dance and you waste a lot of time. It's not just you -- almost everyone feels this way about dating prior to finding someone they actually want to date. But it does give you a chance to meet a lot of people in a context where further exploration of your relationship is not only not frowned up, it's the whole point. So it might be a good idea to try it out. It's a pretty good way to get to know several different people in a context not complicated by existing friendships or work.

You could also join a club or volunteer for something you are really interested in and feel strongly about. That's a really good way to make new friends who you share interests and values with, and, therefore, find people who are more likely to be the kind of person you would be compatible in a relationship with (also not complicated by work or long-term existing friend circles.)

As for making friends as an adult, I learned the long and hard way that the #1 rule of making friends is taking the initiative and firmly convincing yourself that "getting embarrassed by rejection" is nowhere near as shitty as "wishing you had gotten to know that person better." No matter how excruciating the former seems and no matter how harmless the latter seems, you gotta convince your brain to think the opposite.

Edited 2015-05-26 23:45 (UTC)

Problem is, the things I'm interested and feel strongly about are stories. Books, movies, TV, and the rest of the world? Not so much. I'm not an activist, I'm not taken up by any particular cause. I just...exist.

I am however thinking about trying to connect with a nanowrimo group this year. I've never done that. Granted, I have a weird as fuck schedule that might make that hard, but we'll see.

Nanowrimo sounds great. I don't know where you live, but towns and cities that have some kind of arts culture usually have writing and reading and story groups that meet and/or give talks, etc.

And if you know some subject that is interesting to you even if you're not deeply invested in the cause or activist about it, you could join a group for it anyway and see if your interest perks higher once you get into it. And also, if you want to think about it in a context you *are* invested in: stories are drawn from real life situations, after all.

Echoing what intrigueing said.

And then outside of nano, there are usually writing groups that exist year round depending on the city. And even within that, there are sometime different types (e.g. ones that focus on sharing work/critique vs ones that focus on making time to sit down and write in a shared space/blocked out time).

Also: How does one make friends as an adult?

Have lots of hobbies and interest you pursue actively, and meet people through those pursuits. If you don't have a hobby that lends itself to this, find one. But mostly you do it by being the sort of person people want to have as a friend.

No, no, you make sense. Sure, it's very romantic to think about a sudden connection with someone, that it's in your gut, and then aim it all on The One, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with being selective about your potential dating pool. At the same time, I think you're putting a ton of intense expectations on dating that are very narrow and limiting in terms of even just allowing yourself to interact with others to gauge further.

Changing your personality and needs to be more "normal" isn't the answer either. Perhaps you just need more people around you that understand you and where you're coming from, if not someone similar to validate that you're fine.

Anon above has a good idea: Pick up hobbies that will get you in the midst of others, and even if you don't make friends, you still have something to talk about.
Volunteer at a festival/community/support if that rings with you, find a meetup for whatever it is you're interested in (nanowrimo, I think you said upthread?), just get out and do something. Socialise. And hey, OKC and other online dating things are out there. OKC in particular isn't just aimed at dating, but friends as well. Take some initiative and figure out what kind of lonely partnership compromise thing it is you want :)

I feel you. I am 29 and though I have a few friends, I don't have anyone near by that I feel I can really completely relate to or confide in.

Dating is something you kind of just have to try out. It's not always fun and is not always successful. Odds of that happening are low, but to be honest, it seems like the more sociable and friendly you are the more likely you are to make friends and get dates with people in general. I've noticed that with other people around me and with my own behavior, though I myself am not very sociable in general. It takes a lot of effort to go and be that friendly, but it can actually be really rewarding sometimes. I've met some nice people that way, not even dates just people I want to be friends with. Maybe make friends with people in your neighborhood or go to a local coffee shop or something. Anywhere you think you may find like minded people.

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