[ SECRET POST #3072 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3072 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.


__________________________________________________



02.


__________________________________________________



03.


__________________________________________________



04.


__________________________________________________



05.


__________________________________________________



06.


__________________________________________________



07.


__________________________________________________



08.


__________________________________________________



09.


__________________________________________________



10.


__________________________________________________



11.


__________________________________________________



12.


__________________________________________________



13.









Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 046 secrets from Secret Submission Post #439.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 (???) - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, I know. Nobody wants to do the 'oh no suicide watch' bullshit here. I get and respect that. No suicide watch crap here. I can google the local phone line if I need. Just a glurge and then I'm out.

I'm just apocalyptically depressed and I don't want to bother anyone around me with it. Don't want to kill myself. Not really into pain. Just heavy into the 'everything is hopelessly awful' phase and it helps to just crap it on an anonymous sidewalk somewhere and go away, hoping that someone, somewhere, gives a rat's butthole.

There's nothing wrong. There's chemicals inside my head that are fucky and make me miserable. I've done the medication routine - one made me sleep for a week, another made me dangerously hostile, and the last one dried my mouth out so badly that I couldn't eat. Well, hey, lost weight on that one.

So I don't do those medications and I'm in between talk therapists and I'm pretty sure nobody gives a rip. We don't actually empathize with each other, not exactly. We see the little reflections of what's fucked up, knowing it's in us, too, and for that there's that bit of connection. Maybe that's something. I dunno.

You can think this is trolling. If I'm trolling anyone, it's probably just myself.

Anyway, sorry for the bother.

Let it all out, folks. Maybe there's something to catharsis. What's got you glum? Shit on the sidewalk with me and think of warmer days and ice cream and being a little kid in happier times.

[(Anonymous)]

It's fine to talk about this (I think the one thing that people object to is when you're just asking how to commit suicide) and I want to talk about it.

However, would you mind remaking this thread under a cut for trigger warning purposes?

[(Anonymous)]

hey, cool, I can't even post without the chance of upsetting someone else. I make mistakes no matter what. tjat's my fault, just screw it, I won't try. i don't want to inconvenience anyone else.

forget it. I won't bother anyone. Just delete the thread, it doesn't matter. i won't bother anyone again. i'm sorry.

i'm sorry.

i'm sorry.

[(Anonymous)]

nooooo! you haven't upset me or bothered me at all, and i really would love to talk to you about it! please don't apologize, anon, you've done nothing wrong.

[(Anonymous)]

i'm sorry. just sort of second guessing everything right now. it's hard to not think you're the problem when everything looks like a disaster area.

[(Anonymous)]

no, i completely get that, and i've definitely been there. i'm lucky enough to be in a position where medication is really effective with few side effects. otherwise i'd probably still be there.

at a certain level, it is frustrating because there's not anything you can do. and that's true on two levels - first because it's a biological problem, second because the depression itself saps the energy to do anything about it. it's kind of a bitch of a problem, and i wish i had some advice, but i don't.

[(Anonymous)]

surviving until it evens out seems to be pretty much what I've got. working on diet and exercise - bike daily for over a year and it doesn't seem to have helped. still bike, though. I'm just grateful I'm NOT suicidal typically. I'm balanced out by an unhealthy fear of mortality, so it's like the one time that works out for me. :P

[(Anonymous)]

I'm sorry OP.

Here's an adorable bunny gif: http://ak-hdl.buzzfed.com/static/enhanced/webdr06/2013/6/25/15/anigif_original-grid-image-5796-1372190149-22.gif

It's all I can offer. If you want, I will go dig up adorable gifs of the animal of your choice.

[(Anonymous)]

*hugs if wanted* Don't delete, I think you're ok.

Your post sounds like how I feel a lot of the time. I don't even want to get on meds, it's the first thing I tell doctors/therapists. They screwed up my mother and I don't want to deal with all that when I'm already dealing with current problems.

Honestly I think cathartic writing helps me most. Usually I barf it all out in my locked DW, but sometimes I like to blow off a little steam in anon threads here. For the exact same reason, that someone will read it and empathize a bit.

And god, do I want ice cream. I'm trying to eat better in hopes that that will balance out my moods, but ice cream is my weakness. In summer. When a new custard place just opened in town.

[(Anonymous)]

Sometimes I have trouble writing when I'm like this. always bad. writing is one of the few things I feel like I have for my own. This is one of those times, so I don't even have that right now as a support. but apparently there's a talk therapist in the area that might be an option. might be worth trying anyway. haven't been down this freakin' hard in a while.

trying more vegetables myself. we got a new blender. we're making kale shakes. :P hasn't fixed anything yet but it's only been a couple weeks.

[(Anonymous)]

I gave talk therapy a go last summer when things got really bad, but it kept going around in circles and she let me go. I never had much success with it in the past, either. I think for me, venting out my feelings and analyzing them for myself is a lot better than some privileged doctor sitting there being condescending to me. But I'm a bitter old woman. :P

I just started a "clean diet" a couple of weeks ago too and I can't tell a difference either. I was eating kale raw on salads but I found it much better sauteed with a little oil and salt. I don't know if I could ever have it in shake form, haha.

[(Anonymous)]

I was easting kale raw on salads but I found it much better sautéed with a little oil and salt.

You're doing the right thing, because you actually need some fat and vitamin C to fully absorb the nutrients in dark leafy greens. Try drizzling a little olive oil and squeezing half a lemon over your lightly cooked kale.

[(Anonymous)]

when I put mine in shakes, there's also typically orange/carrot for vitamin C and a tablespoon of both seed and chocolate for flavor. I think that should help?

[(Anonymous)]

I was thinking about the way my family always serves green vegetables--a big squeeze of lemon and a small glug of olive oil, what my grandparents would have called "latherolemono." But probably seeds and the actual flesh of an orange are an even better addition because you get the fiber and the protein. What kinds of seeds are you using? I'm thinking of keeping some hydrated chia seeds in the fridge and stirring them into smoothies and things.

[herpymcderp]

I'm sorry shit sucks for you right now, anon.

It's easy to know intellectually that the reason you feel like nothing matters is because your head is fucking with you, but it's harder to make that line up with the concept that because you feel this way, that is your reality.

I can assure you that this is not the reality of people who aren't depressed, but that's not very comforting. People do form real connections. Love exists. It's not just a mass delusion or something people are pushing on each other to sell Valentine's cards.

Unfortunately, catharsis doesn't do much. In fact, it usually has the opposite effect to what's intended in that it reinforces a behaviour associated with an emotion we are hoping to avoid.

I don't want to lecture too hard, but have you tried exercising? Light cardiovascular exercise can be very effective for helping to ameliorate the symptoms of depression and anxiety, and is less likely to leave you with dry mouth. Just a thought.

I very much hope you find something that helps you, regardless.

[(Anonymous)]

I bike daily. Maybe I don't get enough sun. :P

Have read that, about catharsis not being 'cathartic', though it was also in the context of video games. I thought that was very interesting, that it isn't quite what we've believed for centuries. Problem solving in general is a better 'catharsis' than just association. So that's something I try to do, too. keep my brain busy.

thank you.

[herpymcderp]

Actually a vitamin D deficiency really could contribute to symptoms of depression... it would be a reasonable idea to get it checked out.

Best of luck!

[solticisekf]

I hope things will get better for you, OP.
Your post was very well put, imo.

[caerbannog]

Sorry your brain chemicals are being inconvenient fucks. How long have they been like this? Is it on and off or never ending? Sometimes it's just putting your head down and treading through routine until the good emotions come back, sometimes it's finding something else to do or add to your life.

[(Anonymous)]

this particular nadir seems to be the end point of a cycle that's been going... maybe a month or so?

there's usually a big stretch of 'yeah, okay' for a few months, and then there's a phase (a sine wave) of mild depression to anxiety through a slight bump of manic activity. Then it'll repeat and either fade out... or do this. haven't been down this badly in probably a year, thankfully.