[ SECRET POST #3113 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3113 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 047 secrets from Secret Submission Post #445.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

You're right to be upset. Your brother's been taking you for granted, and that pretty crappy. My guess is that you've been doing this for free too, huh? That makes it even worse on his part, IMO. Reliable childcare is expensive, and you're doing him a huge favor by taking on this responsibility. He should be bending over backwards to make sure you're not being inconvenienced, not the other way round.

[sachiko_san]

I have been doing it for free. Plus I'm not really good with toddlers, so it makes it even harder for me. He should, but he's always been like this towards me and I have no idea why.

[(Anonymous)]

da

he's always been like this towards me and I have no idea why

because you've implied that you've babysat for him on numerous occasions in the past and haven't asked for compensation, so he already knows that he can walk all over you. I've known people like that before (you do them a favor and watch their kid for free a couple of times and suddenly you're their damn nanny. yours is probably worse though because he's your brother and may have that "this is what family is for" mentality going on that he can guilt trip you with) and it's a hard cycle to break out of while still preserving the relationship. I think if you refuse to babysit for a few more times consecutively or tell him that you want compensation, he'll eventually realize that you're serious

[sachiko_san]

I didn't mean just about the babysitting, ever since he was a teenager, he has not respected me (or my mom for that matter).

And it's not necessarily guilt that gets me, but anxiety because I hate being yelled at and I hate getting shit about it. I care little for preserving a relationship with him (as does my other brother) because of how he treats me.

[(Anonymous)]

How good are you at drawing and enforcing boundaries? My guess is that this isn't something you do, which is why your brother finds it really easy to take you for granted. Don't get me wrong, he's clearly a jerk, but nipping this shit in the bud would've gone a long way toward curbing his behavior. It's not too late if you want to start now, but it will take time and effort... and not gonna lie, it'll be harder because this habit is ingrained now. You'll meet with extra resistance and anger because he's used to walking all over you.

The way to do it is:

1) Be firm and clear about what you want/need. "I can't babysit for [niece] because I have plans. I love [niece] and don't mind the occasional babysitting gig, but I need you to notify me X days in advance and respect the fact that I will not always be available."

2) When he tries to bulldoze you, be firm again and repeat. "As I told you previously, I won't be available to babysit. You need to make other plans."

3) DO NOT CAVE IN. He may try to bully you, ignore what you've said or be emotionally manipulative. Remember: this is not up for debate. Do not argue, and if he gets nasty, disengage and end the conversation. Especially if you have any concerns about your safety and well being.

4) Repeat for as long as necessary. People fail to enforce boundaries because it's hard work. You often have to fight to make people respect them. Consistency is key. If you enforce it sometimes and give in other times, it just teaches people like your brother that you don't mean it and that your boundaries are so flexible they might as well not exist. He'll keep taking advantage of you because he knows you will let him do it.

+1

[(Anonymous)]

This is good advice.