[ SECRET POST #3119 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3119 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 060 secrets from Secret Submission Post #446.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

http://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2015/04/14688/

That is a sad and twisted story.

[(Anonymous)]

Wow. That's several levels of awful.

[diet_poison]

Wow. that's so fucked up.

[iceyred]

That story is the stuff of nightmares. :(

[(Anonymous)]

The date it was posted on makes me side-eye the entire thing.

[(Anonymous)]

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=walt+heyer+transgender

[elialshadowpine]

That... reminds me scarily of my own experience. My dad didn't want a daughter; he wanted a son. He told me on several occasions that he wished I had been born male, or that I should have been his son. I was heavily punished and mocked for interest in anything traditionally feminine. I was heavily trained in male body language, behavior, and verbal choice, to the point that despite wearing mostly skirts and low-cut tops, I am still mistaken for male, or a trans woman (although I have thankfully not encountered the harassment that many trans women receive). I was homeschooled, and Dad was the stay-at-home parent, so I didn't escape a second of this treatment. The way I walked was criticized, until I could "walk like a man", my stance was criticized, I was criticized for not sitting "like a man", I was taught to not raise my voice like I was asking a question instead of making a statement, I was taught to use strong language and encouraged to be blunt, it goes on.

I have ended up spending most of my life learning how to present as female, because I was so heavily trained that if not for the woman I ended up living with was not a model of being a strong, powerful woman while still enjoying feminine things. She encouraged me to explore my femininity, while others suggested I might be trans. If I'd acted on that suggestion, I would deeply regret it, and I didn't come to a true understanding of just how fucked up my dad's "parenting" actually was. I thought for a long time this was normal, as abuse goes, until I started talking in more detail about it, and friends said, "Um... no. Not even for an abusive parent."

There's not really any good descriptor for my situation (except maybe "genderfucked-up"), but it's something I have struggled with for ages. I don't approve of how the guy has become an anti-trans activist, but I have a hell of a lot of sympathy, because the transitioning part could have been me, as I was actively questioning for a long time if I was really male. I remember actually having the "What if I transition?" discussion with one partner, because I was actively considering it, and it would have been such a huge mistake. I don't know if psychs would have been able to catch it, either, because it's not due to a disorder like dissociation (although I have that, for different reasons), and my situation is so damned rare and took me so long to figure it out that I doubt very much that it would have been detected.

/long comment is long

[(Anonymous)]

Holy shit. I know I'm just an anon, but I'm so, so sorry you had to go through that.

[elialshadowpine]

Thank you; I appreciate it. Reading that was just scary, because it mirrored my own experience so much, and could have easily been me. I would have regretted transition so much, because I am a woman. But my dad's shit made me hate myself because of it, and it's taken many, many years to deal with that... and some of it, I may never be able to change. I can't unlearn the way I walk now from that training, I can't unlearn the body language, I can't unlearn the vocal language (especially being autistic, which means that's more difficult to begin with), and etc. Some of it is just ingrained so deeply that no matter how much I've tried to learn how to present female, I still fail. My fiancee has commented that she's had to remind herself that I identify as female, not androgynous or genderqueer or such, because my body language and such is severe enough to throw her (and other people) that much. I am thankful she is very good at remembering correct pronouns, because that would trigger some serious gender dysphoria.

Oh, on top of it, I have PCOS with (if untreated) testosterone levels in cis male ranges (albeit low-normal, but my endo said I was one of the most severe cases she'd seen in her 20+ year career; I actually didn't think about it until now, but her comment about me being likely infertile is probably accurate, even though I know a lot of women with PCOS who have been told that and had a surprise pregnancy, because if not treated with birth control, my T levels are, I believe, in the ranges that cause sterility in trans men... thankfully, because of my shit genes and health issues, I have never even considered becoming pregnant), so I had to deal with voice dropping (I used to sing soprano, as in, I could hit that high note from Phantom of the Opera; I now am a low alto, with a range of ... lower; I have been able to successfully sing in baritone, which is usually not possible for women) and facial hair and body hair where it shouldn't be on a woman so I also had the "fun" of my own body betraying me while going through all of this... which just added even more fuel to the gender dysphoria fire. *facepalm*

[(Anonymous)]

damn, that's harsh and fucked up. I'm glad that you have better people in your life now + I hope you have fun exploring and expressing feminine things

[caerbannog]

I don't need tumblr to tell me not to read this, just made the decision myself. Wtf.