[ SECRET POST #3146 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3146 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 065 secrets from Secret Submission Post #450.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Re: Advice Thread - TW: guns

[(Anonymous)]

A good friend of mine is married to a jerk. As far as I know he hasn't hit her or their children but he's got a bunch of really bad personality traits.

Red flags: controlling, jealous of the time she spends with other people, dismissive or insulting about her abilities.

Bad but not borderline red flag?:/ selfish, never spends time with their kid, doesn't help out at ALL around the house but bitches if it's not cleaned to perfection, selfish in bed to the point of not caring if she's in the mood or not, his sexual needs ALWAYS come first

She's told me that she's thought about divorce but I don't think she has an actual plan to get out of her marriage. I don't want to overstep my boundaries here but what I'd LIKE to tell her to put away an escape fund in a bank account he can't access, pack go-bags and have a place to run to. I also want to tell her that if she goes, wait until he's at work and then leave without telling him. I told her she and her child could stay with me and she knows I'll help them. But the other thing I haven't said is that I'm terrified that he'll snap and kill them. They're both big into guns and gun culture, something I don't agree with but we don't discuss it. Her husband has a big gun collection and I think he might be the kind of nutjob who'd kill his wife and kid and then himself if he thought their marriage was breaking up. I know she doesn't see him this way, but she has a tendency to rationalize his bad behavior in general.

I don't live in the same state as her so I can only help so much. She tends to shut people down when they express a negative opinion of her marriage which is why I try not to criticize a whole lot. She pulls away from people rather than tell them what's going on and I'm worried that one day I'll read a story in the paper about her getting killed. She isn't good at keeping in touch and every time I don't hear from her for a couple weeks, I think oh shit, something's happened...

I don't know what to do. :(

Re: Advice Thread - TW: guns

[dethtoll]

Unfortunately with situations like this it's going to take time or something drastic before she'll start moving forward on divorce. The best thing you can do is just stay supportive of her when she's having a bad time, and keep space handy for her and her kid. But this is absolutely not something you can get involved in yourself, especially if she doesn't want you to.

Re: Advice Thread - TW: guns

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, that's the conclusion I got, too. I make most of the effort to keep in touch because I know she withdraws a lot when she's feeling stressed or upset. Nothing big, just "hey I saw this link and thought of you" or "hey what'd you think of Ant Man" kind of stuff so she knows I'm still there. I think she's underestimating what an asshole her husband is (probably as a way of coping), but I understand there's not much I can do about that if she doesn't agree with me. I just dread anything happening to her or the kid and I wish she'd leave him already.

Re: Advice Thread - TW: guns

[(Anonymous)]

I'm sorry I don't have any advice, other than to communicate to her (in whatever way you see fit) that you're worried about her and you will support her should she choose to escape her hellscape of a marriage.

Also I wanted to say that her husband not respecting her sexual boundaries is a HUGE red flag.

Re: Advice Thread - TW: guns

[raspberryrain]

Wow, this is classic abusive/controlling husband stuff. The sexual stuff is a much bigger red flag than you're rating it. And you're in another state, so there could easily be other stuff you don't see.

I'm a bit worried about the children growing up in that environment.