fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3146 ]

[ SECRET POST #3146 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3146 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 065 secrets from Secret Submission Post #450.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

A good friend of mine is married to a jerk. As far as I know he hasn't hit her or their children but he's got a bunch of really bad personality traits.

Red flags: controlling, jealous of the time she spends with other people, dismissive or insulting about her abilities.

Bad but not borderline red flag?:/ selfish, never spends time with their kid, doesn't help out at ALL around the house but bitches if it's not cleaned to perfection, selfish in bed to the point of not caring if she's in the mood or not, his sexual needs ALWAYS come first

She's told me that she's thought about divorce but I don't think she has an actual plan to get out of her marriage. I don't want to overstep my boundaries here but what I'd LIKE to tell her to put away an escape fund in a bank account he can't access, pack go-bags and have a place to run to. I also want to tell her that if she goes, wait until he's at work and then leave without telling him. I told her she and her child could stay with me and she knows I'll help them. But the other thing I haven't said is that I'm terrified that he'll snap and kill them. They're both big into guns and gun culture, something I don't agree with but we don't discuss it. Her husband has a big gun collection and I think he might be the kind of nutjob who'd kill his wife and kid and then himself if he thought their marriage was breaking up. I know she doesn't see him this way, but she has a tendency to rationalize his bad behavior in general.

I don't live in the same state as her so I can only help so much. She tends to shut people down when they express a negative opinion of her marriage which is why I try not to criticize a whole lot. She pulls away from people rather than tell them what's going on and I'm worried that one day I'll read a story in the paper about her getting killed. She isn't good at keeping in touch and every time I don't hear from her for a couple weeks, I think oh shit, something's happened...

I don't know what to do. :(

Unfortunately with situations like this it's going to take time or something drastic before she'll start moving forward on divorce. The best thing you can do is just stay supportive of her when she's having a bad time, and keep space handy for her and her kid. But this is absolutely not something you can get involved in yourself, especially if she doesn't want you to.

Re: Advice Thread - TW: guns

(Anonymous) - 2015-08-15 20:49 (UTC) - Expand

I'm sorry I don't have any advice, other than to communicate to her (in whatever way you see fit) that you're worried about her and you will support her should she choose to escape her hellscape of a marriage.

Also I wanted to say that her husband not respecting her sexual boundaries is a HUGE red flag.

Wow, this is classic abusive/controlling husband stuff. The sexual stuff is a much bigger red flag than you're rating it. And you're in another state, so there could easily be other stuff you don't see.

I'm a bit worried about the children growing up in that environment.

I wrote a thing awhile back. I really like it but I think I was the only one. But it was on my personal DW and not on AO3 so it didn't get a ton of traffic (that I could see).

I was thinking of uploading it to AO3. It's a few chapters. Is it cool to only post a chapter a week? NGL, I'm only doing this for the kudo/comments since it's already written. I'd like to give it some more prominence and find out what people really think.

Thoughts?

Just Post Just Post Just Post Just Post

Sounds fine to me. Go for it!

Yeah, post. Why not?

Why are you worried about "only" posting a chapter a week? Or do you mean as opposed to posting it all at once?

Edited 2015-08-15 20:48 (UTC)

Re: Posting Old Story

(Anonymous) - 2015-08-15 20:54 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Posting Old Story

silverr - 2015-08-15 20:57 (UTC) - Expand

Just post it like you want to.

If you're worried that someone may notice the fic is finished but you're posting only one chapter a week, you can always say that you're posting as you check it for old typos and such.

A friend of mine just asked me if I wanted to go to a social event in a few hours. And I kind of don't, because it's really short notice, and it's going to be full of people I don't know very well, and it'd be a hassle to get there, and I'm just tired and groggy today and I want to relax.

At the same time, I'm worried that if I don't go he'll take offense and think that I'm giving him the slip. That he'll think it's weak sauce. And it has been a little while since we hung out, and I feel like this is his peace offering to me.

Pretty basic dilemma, I know, but since it's happening in real time I thought I'd post about it on here.

Asking you last minute sounds to me like you're a fallback.

Can you say, "I really don't feel like going to this social thing on such short notice, but I'd love to spend time with you some other day" ?

You could say this is kind of short notice for this event but suggest something else the two of you can do together soon instead.

Politely decline by saying you're wiped out and aren't up for it tonight but ask if he'd like to get together to do ______ at a later date. Initiating a plan for another get together shows that you're interested in hanging out.

He asked you last minute, so I think it's okay to say no.

"Sorry I can't do it tonight on such short notice, how about x date?"

Here are the things my sister and I are going to see in DC.
-Museum of National History
-The National Zoo
-Holocaust Museum
-Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception
-Monuments and Shit
-Newseum
-Washington National Cathedral
-Eastern Market

We were also going to go see the Crime Museum but I've heard that it was pretty meh (the exhibits are mostly just posters and such with you info you can read anywhere, not a lot of memorabilia, the instructors are knowledgeable but not great teachers).

So, I need 1-2 things to possibly visit instead of the Crime Museum. Any suggestions? Museums, shopping, or just cool places to visit (I've heard Georgetown is cool to walk around) work.

The Spy Museum!
National Gallery of Art
The Corcoran Gallery of Art

Yes, go to Georgetown
Also Dupont Circle and Adams Morgan have good restaurants

Re: LF A couple more things to do in DC.

kaijinscendre - 2015-08-16 02:24 (UTC) - Expand

Have you thought about visiting Arlington National Cemetery? We've always loved that when we've gone, but it's been years. When I was a kid, we toured Robert E. Lee's house and I remember it being neat.

Not really asking for advice, just want to know if I'm being unreasonable. My mother doesn't have many friends, and neither do I. I live with her, and I'm pretty close to the basement-dweller stereotype, minus the actual basement. We both have issues that make my moving out or her living alone kind of iffy. I pay all the utilities, buy all the groceries, and make sure she gets to her doctor's appointments and takes her meds.

And she has these ... friends. One of them is currently in the hospital, and my mom spends a lot of time worrying about her friend. Today, my mom wanted me to go shopping with her, to buy a present for her friend's daughter, since it'll be the daughter's birthday soon and the friend can't do it herself because she's been hospitalized for a month.

I don't want to go shopping for presents for these people.

When my mom first heard from her friend again, after years of silence, it was so her friend could ask if her daughter and her daughter's then-boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend, still an addict) could move in.

My mom said "...er, maybe." Meaning "oh god no, but I don't want to make a scene."

I said "no, I like your daughter okay, but only in small doses, we'd kill each other. And also I don't want to live with an addict, been through it, bought the tshirt."

The friend said she was just looking out for her daughter, and came back the next day to try again. My roommate said no, and that she was pretty sure "friend" had only started being friendly again to find a place to dump her daughter and the deadbeat bf. Mom's friend proceeds to call me a spineless bitch who has to hide behind other people because now I had backup, and my roommate a heartless bitch for backing me up, and insist that my mom would've totally put out the welcome mat if it weren't for me being so selfish, and anyway, so what if she was trying to help her daughter. Asking a friend for a small favor was totally reasonable.

Mom was crying by this point. Roommate and I were both very angry, because yeah, "reasonable," my hairy ass.

A couple months later, Mom's friend ended up in the hospital, courtesy of a brain tumor, and it couldn't have happened to a nicer person. Here's where it gets creepy, and here's why I really don't want to go present shopping. I know brain injuries can do weird shit to people. But mom's friend keeps telling my mom that her daughter kills animals for fun, including her cat, and that her and her daughter had been planning to, and I quote, "slit (my name)'s throat." They did actually live with us for a couple years when my parents first separated, and a couple of my pets died. All this woman's cats have died (or disappeared) really young.

Yeah, I don't particularly want to buy them presents, or, you know, talk to them ever again. Am I being cruel or unreasonable?

You're not being unreasonable. This woman and her family sound nasty, and you're right to not want to engage them. The issue isn't so much with them as it is with your mother, who keeps engaging with them even though part of her realizes it's a bad idea. A lot depends on how aware your mother is of their awful toxicity and whether or not she's drawn any boundaries for herself when it comes to dealing with them. Questions to consider:

* Is this something her friend asked her to do?
* Does your mother have a spending limit in mind?
* Can you guys actually afford to be spending money on people who suck?
* Can your mother go shopping by herself, or does she need you for transportation?
* How much have you talked with your mother about this?

A lot of people are reluctant to cut ties with "friends" like this, for many reasons. It's hard to separate someone from their toxic friend and you'd know better than we would how difficult it'd be to talk your mother out of this. If you can't convince her that this is a bad idea (and I'll bet you good money your friend's mother will NOT be grateful at all), then try a compromise: you'll drop your mother off somewhere to shop, you'll set a low price limit for the present of what you can afford, and you will go off and do something nice.

But honestly, best scenario is for you to encourage your mother to limit contact with these people, set some healthy boundaries and enforce them and NOT fall prey to users like this.

Re: Advice Thread

(Anonymous) - 2015-08-15 23:01 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Advice Thread

(Anonymous) - 2015-08-15 23:58 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Advice Thread

(Anonymous) - 2015-08-16 02:04 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Advice Thread

elialshadowpine - 2015-08-15 23:49 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Advice Thread

(Anonymous) - 2015-08-15 23:52 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Advice Thread

(Anonymous) - 2015-08-16 00:01 (UTC) - Expand

So while I've been living in this place I've been using my roommate's second dresser because she already lived her before I moved in and there was no sense in me buying a new one and no place for her to put this one.

So I'm currently moving out. And while clearing out the dresser so she could take it to a yard sale I discovered that my laundry detergent had leaked out and destroyed the paint on top. And it turns out that it was an antique, which she never told me, so I've basically destroyed the value of it.

She's only asked me to buy paint to repaint the top. And I can't exactly afford to buy it from her. But I still feel really bad and like I should do something else.

Re: I did a horrible thing

(Anonymous) - 2015-08-15 21:35 (UTC) - Expand

Re: I did a horrible thing

(Anonymous) - 2015-08-15 21:40 (UTC) - Expand

Re: I did a horrible thing

(Anonymous) - 2015-08-15 21:45 (UTC) - Expand

Re: I did a horrible thing

(Anonymous) - 2015-08-15 21:58 (UTC) - Expand

Re: I did a horrible thing

iwasanartist - 2015-08-16 05:03 (UTC) - Expand

Re: I did a horrible thing

(Anonymous) - 2015-08-16 12:39 (UTC) - Expand

Re: I did a horrible thing

(Anonymous) - 2015-08-15 21:46 (UTC) - Expand

Re: I did a horrible thing

caerbannog - 2015-08-15 22:48 (UTC) - Expand

Re: I did a horrible thing

(Anonymous) - 2015-08-16 00:03 (UTC) - Expand

How can I kill a person who I have only spoken to through F!S?

(frozen comment) Re: Advice Thread

(Anonymous) - 2015-08-15 21:41 (UTC) - Expand

I'm terrible with kids and can be pretty awkward in social situations in general. My brother's girlfriend's kid is pretty annoying and often badly behaved. He doesn't know me very well so doesn't bother me personally, but he can hog attention and make the situation awkward by forcing his mom to constantly scold him.

He's only five and his parents' divorce and mother's new relationship must be rough on him. So I definitely don't blame him or anything. I just don't know how to deal with it.

I wish I knew what to do or say to calm him down or even something that might diffuse tension among the grown-ups after a scolding. Now things are often so awkward.

Advice Thread