fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3146 ]

[ SECRET POST #3146 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3146 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Not really asking for advice, just want to know if I'm being unreasonable. My mother doesn't have many friends, and neither do I. I live with her, and I'm pretty close to the basement-dweller stereotype, minus the actual basement. We both have issues that make my moving out or her living alone kind of iffy. I pay all the utilities, buy all the groceries, and make sure she gets to her doctor's appointments and takes her meds.

And she has these ... friends. One of them is currently in the hospital, and my mom spends a lot of time worrying about her friend. Today, my mom wanted me to go shopping with her, to buy a present for her friend's daughter, since it'll be the daughter's birthday soon and the friend can't do it herself because she's been hospitalized for a month.

I don't want to go shopping for presents for these people.

When my mom first heard from her friend again, after years of silence, it was so her friend could ask if her daughter and her daughter's then-boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend, still an addict) could move in.

My mom said "...er, maybe." Meaning "oh god no, but I don't want to make a scene."

I said "no, I like your daughter okay, but only in small doses, we'd kill each other. And also I don't want to live with an addict, been through it, bought the tshirt."

The friend said she was just looking out for her daughter, and came back the next day to try again. My roommate said no, and that she was pretty sure "friend" had only started being friendly again to find a place to dump her daughter and the deadbeat bf. Mom's friend proceeds to call me a spineless bitch who has to hide behind other people because now I had backup, and my roommate a heartless bitch for backing me up, and insist that my mom would've totally put out the welcome mat if it weren't for me being so selfish, and anyway, so what if she was trying to help her daughter. Asking a friend for a small favor was totally reasonable.

Mom was crying by this point. Roommate and I were both very angry, because yeah, "reasonable," my hairy ass.

A couple months later, Mom's friend ended up in the hospital, courtesy of a brain tumor, and it couldn't have happened to a nicer person. Here's where it gets creepy, and here's why I really don't want to go present shopping. I know brain injuries can do weird shit to people. But mom's friend keeps telling my mom that her daughter kills animals for fun, including her cat, and that her and her daughter had been planning to, and I quote, "slit (my name)'s throat." They did actually live with us for a couple years when my parents first separated, and a couple of my pets died. All this woman's cats have died (or disappeared) really young.

Yeah, I don't particularly want to buy them presents, or, you know, talk to them ever again. Am I being cruel or unreasonable?

You're not being unreasonable. This woman and her family sound nasty, and you're right to not want to engage them. The issue isn't so much with them as it is with your mother, who keeps engaging with them even though part of her realizes it's a bad idea. A lot depends on how aware your mother is of their awful toxicity and whether or not she's drawn any boundaries for herself when it comes to dealing with them. Questions to consider:

* Is this something her friend asked her to do?
* Does your mother have a spending limit in mind?
* Can you guys actually afford to be spending money on people who suck?
* Can your mother go shopping by herself, or does she need you for transportation?
* How much have you talked with your mother about this?

A lot of people are reluctant to cut ties with "friends" like this, for many reasons. It's hard to separate someone from their toxic friend and you'd know better than we would how difficult it'd be to talk your mother out of this. If you can't convince her that this is a bad idea (and I'll bet you good money your friend's mother will NOT be grateful at all), then try a compromise: you'll drop your mother off somewhere to shop, you'll set a low price limit for the present of what you can afford, and you will go off and do something nice.

But honestly, best scenario is for you to encourage your mother to limit contact with these people, set some healthy boundaries and enforce them and NOT fall prey to users like this.

Wait, this person announces to your mother that she and her daughter were planning to slit your throat, and your mom is still friends with her and wants you to help her buy the creature a present?

If your mom is putting her friendship with these creepers ahead of her relationship with you, I don't think your mom is your friend. You will not be cruel or unreasonable if you tell her, not only no, but HELL NO.

AYRT--I doubt my mother's friend is actually capable of killing anyone, since she's been confined to a hospital bed for over a month and may never leave until she's taken out in a body bag. And I haven't actually seen the daughter in years and doubt they actually plan to kill me. On a lot of drugs+brain tumor+brain biopsy= This lady says a lot of really bizarre things. She was hallucinating ducks in her bed for awhile. It's the sentiment I object to. And my mom has a lot of practice making excuses for scum in her own life.

Her dad raped her and her brothers and beat her mother, but she still insists he wasn't a horrible person, because he provided for them when he didn't have to. It took my dad spending all their savings on drugs for his much younger girlfriend and nearly killing someone and ending up in jail multiple times for her to divorce him, and she still felt guilty. Basically, my mom has less self-esteem than pond scum, and doesn't understand that it's okay to cut abusive shitheads out of her life. All the people I'd consider her actual friends (they're not trying to weasel anything out of her) live hundreds of miles away, and she's scared to go visit because her health sucks. At least they occasionally come visit, but they can't convince her to tell these people to fuck off.

Even if the woman's brain tumor and chemo sometimes cause her to say bizarre, off-the-wall things she doesn't mean, it doesn't follow that every ugly thing she says can be attributed to her medical condition, or that the malice isn't real. These people have a grudge against you because you refused to let them mooch off you, and you suspect the daughter of killing more than one of your pets. I would not blow it off as harmless.

The sentiment is so vile that frankly, I don't care how poor your mom's self-esteem is, or how desperate she is for a friend. If she stays "friends" with this person, your mom is not your friend.

Agreeing with the other people: HELL NO, YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE.

I'm going to add: You don't mention what your mom's health issues are, but that she's on meds. Is she on anything for mental illness or brain injury or stroke or such? Because anything that might mess with her brain or the chemicals therein is something that these "friends" might be taking advantage of, and if so, this might be something you want to communicate to your mom or her doctor/therapist/whatever if that would be better. That's actually really serious.

Your mother should cut off all contact with tese people or you and your roomate should move out.

Even if some or most of her actions/words are a result of her brain tumor (and it's very possible that they are. As you said, brain tumors and other neurological issues can make people undergo some pretty radical and scary personality changes) I definitely don't think you're being unreasonable. Even if there's a possible medical explanation behind the behavior, you still don't have any obligation to play nice with someone who makes you uncomfortable and/or fear for your life. You're totally in the right here.

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[ SECRET POST #3146 ]

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