fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3156 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3156 ⌋

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[Spider Riders]

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[Shameless]

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[The Mighty Boosh]

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[Glitch]

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[Fire Emblem: Awakening]

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[Kaikisen]

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[Kingdom Hearts 2]

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[Yu-Gi-Oh]

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Not a vent as in "I'm angry" kind of thing, but in a "I need to get this off my chest" kind of thing.

My husband and I essentially have lost all semblance of a relationship with his parents over the past year. It's been really hard on him, because as an adult (in some idealized times, but not always) he had gotten really close with his dad. However, his dad was a complete dick to him growing up, and at some points during his adulthood. He was explosively verbally abusive when my husband was a teenager, and verged on physically abusive. He destroyed my husband's entire kite collection when he was like 12 (my 45-yo husband still chokes up talking about it), and threw a hammer at him on a construction site when he was maybe 16. Honest to god, only his good reflexes saved his life.

His mother is another piece of work. She is lying, manipulative, and likely has some kind of shopping addiction that causes her to lie and manipulate in order to get more $$$ to feed her addiction. When my husband was in his early 20s, he had a land contract with his mom to gradually buy a house from her. He was paying her well over the mortgage amount to pay it off quickly. Meanwhile, this home was owned by his parents and in absolutely shit-level disrepair. Like, he had a bucket as a drain for the kitchen sink and nearly electrocuted himself trying to get the heater started. Guess what she did? Pocketed the extra cash, told him the deal had changed, and that was the end of it. No explanation given. STILL my husband paid her extra money to help his folks out, and worked for his father's construction company for free half the time because she would forget to pay him.

Cut to many years later, we use his mom as a real estate agent. She completely fucks us on two deals in a row. Fails to warn us about the mold hazard in a home we actually purchased because she wanted to get the deal done and get her commission. Then tanked another land-purchase deal because her arrogant ass could not admit that she neither understood the relevant real estate market nor could negotiate at anything but the most basic level.

So we wrote her a complaint letter, as one would do in a business transaction. She flew OFF THE FRICKING HANDLE. Denied everything, did her best to throw me under the bus, etc., etc. So we wrote another letter further detailing the incident, pointing to the real estate ethics code that she repeatedly violated. She didn't even bother to read it. She couldn't believe her son would "accuse" her of such things. So she met my husband in a park, alone, and repeatedly told him she never wants to see him again, nor does his father.

Meanwhile, she's painting a rosy picture to the rest of his family and all of her friends on how she's been wronged and we're so evil. And how she totes made up with him at the park and she can't understand why he doesn't want to come over for holidays....

There's more, enough to fill a novel more. But the long and the short of it is that my husband has been depressed for close to a year now, over the loss of the relationship with his parents, and even moreso that he's having to come to terms with the fact that they are not the fine upstanding people he thought they were, and actually pretty much suck as human beings. I feel terrible for him, and understand it on some level because they are his parents. But on the other hand, I have a bit of a hard time truly "getting" it, because I never understood why he was such a devoted son to these people who had perpetuated so much shit in his life. Anyway. I'm doing my best to help him cope. Time wounds all heels, right?

:(

I'm sorry, that's awful.

Hugs if needed.

A possibility, though it might not be appropriate, depending on any number of factors, but if you think it's a good idea:

let him read this comment you wrote. Sometimes, seeing a situation summarized and written down in black-and-white from another person's perspective, and not addressed to the person it pertains to, can really make things sink in in a way they don't in a face to face conversation.

AYRT

We're very open with each other - this is nothing he doesn't know/we haven't talked about many times. It's just hard for both of us. Hard for him because it's his parents, and hard for me to see him going through it.

Get him to therapy, pronto. Most people would have long since developed PTSD coming out of something like this and if his reaction is to actually mourn for the loss of an abusive relationship, then this isn't something you're equipped to handle.

They're his parents. He clearly wants them to be better people who love him and are worthy of love, because that's what parents should be. Facing the truth is hard and he's also dealing with the fallout of feeling like an idiot for falling for their bullshit for so many years.

Get him in therapy and in the meantime, try not to emphasize how dumb he was to get suckered in. You don't have to pretend that didn't happen, just focus on the "Now we know what they're like, so let's decide what to do from now on." Your husband doesn't have the team he ought to have, i.e. his family. You're his team. You're a team together, so act like it.

"I never understood why he was such a devoted son to these people who had perpetuated so much shit in his life"

As someone who grew up with an abusive parent, I have to say this kind of shit gets ingrained in you. You seek approval but never really get it, and when your parents are manipulative cunts and pricks it can make it 1000000000000 times worse, especially if they can turn it around so that it seems like somehow YOU'RE the reason the familial relationship is failing or is not as good as it could be.

I agree with those who suggest therapy. Your husband needs to realize he (and you) deserves way better than this. He also needs to realize they are never going to change, and that neither of you can change them. But it's not anyone's job to change them, and definitely not his. The good part is... he doesn't owe them shit. Not after all the garbage they put him through. If he's tried and tried and tried again, and gets nothing but abuse and conveniently amended/destroyed contracts, then he's done all that he can. It's time to draw those borders and cement them. And this probably goes without saying, but for the love of red velvet cupcakes, do not get involved in anything financial with them ever again.

I think it's okay if he feels like butt for a while. He's known these people for a long time, and I'm sure some part of him will always want some kind of approval from them. I'm sure he might continue to struggle with it. But hopefully, it will get better with time. He does need your support and compassion though.

I don't know if you have kids or plan to, but if you do, PLEASE at least protect them from these horrible people.

[ SECRET POST #3156 ]

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