[ SECRET POST #3157 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3157 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 018 secrets from Secret Submission Post #451.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 2 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Re: Screaming thread

[(Anonymous)]

My mom won't stop drinking and I'm afraid I'm going to lose her. It sucked to lose my dad and he'd been such an asshole for so long, and I was so young when he went off the rails, that the first thing I felt when he died was relief that we didn't have to worry about him hurting other people or himself or us anymore. It hurt and it sucked, but by the end he was miserable and making everyone around him miserable and scared.
But I actually love my mom, not just who she was before her addictions caught up with her, but her now, even while she's killing herself. And I feel like now that I'm an adult I should be able to do something more to help her, rather than give up on her while she's still alive and hurting so it won't hurt me so much when she dies, which is what I did with my dad.
And I know it can't be healthy to stop myself caring about people because it hurts too much to lose them, and not trust anyone because my parents and other relatives' behavior made me think that no matter how much they loved me, their addictions were more important to them than I was, or even their own lives were.
I know intellectually that this is a really common but unhealthy way for addicts' kids to think about themselves and the world and other people, and I'm hardly the first person to go through this bullshit. But I hate it and it sucks and I wish I could shut up the voice in my head that says I'm not lovable because my parents loved their addictions more than they loved me. And I really wish I could let myself care about other people. I don't want to have a big scar where my ability to emphasize with other people should be, because that's how monsters are made. But I can't care too much without risking some kind of total shutdown where I can't even care for myself on a basic, brush teeth and take out trash level, much less anything or anyone else, like my mom, my pets, my job, or my classes.

Re: Screaming thread

[(Anonymous)]

I'm so sorry, anon.

Re: Screaming thread

[grausam]

sorry. Can you maybe look for help, like a self help group for relatives of addicts, or bother your mom into something?

Even if you can't do that though, not doing something doesn't mean not caring, or being responsible, especially if you can barely hang on yourself.
It sounds like your Mom managed to give you more affection/be a nicer person than your Dad and you love her and appreciate her for that. The effort she made is valuable.
The same should apply to you, even more so because you're not actively hurting anybody through your behavior.
You're lovely and should be appreciated and you'll hopefully find more people who are good to you and worthy of your love.