fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3167 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3167 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I need money, a job, friends, ambition, motivation, energy, less depression and anxiety, therapy probably. Can't get any of those things. My hope is I die in my sleep, but I never catch that break.

Oi. That is a lot to have piling up in the fail column. I can see why that might make you feel exhausted.

Well, at some point we all die, which is comforting in some ways. I know, worst talking you off the ledge speech ever. I don't find overly optimistic ones very helpful, myself. Anyway, so we all die eventually. Life will never be magical and completely without things that suck, because we live in reality.

That doesn't mean that it can't be quietly good in between all the really shit stuff, or that how we feel at our lowest points has to be how we feel forever. It doesn't mean that we won't find people who are probably just as fucked as we are, but who still want to make us laugh anyway.

When you hit rock bottom, you don't have much left to lose by trying to tunnel your way back out, is probably where I'm going with this. Even when you've got shit all else, you've got time. Even if you're just chipping away with a spoon, you're still making progress.

You only have to give just enough of a crap about yourself to keep trying to make the time you have left something you can maybe see another version of yourself enjoying. If you live with it long enough, the black hole of not giving a fuck about anything kind of takes over and tells you not to bother, because you're investing energy you don't have into a future that isn't yours, right? Sounds pointless. Only it's not, really. If you find a way of getting the depression and anxiety managed better, it could be your life. Even if you have to drag your unshowered, pyjama-wearing, carcass of a body* into a goddamn hospital and tell them you're a suicide risk to get some mental healthcare if you've exhausted all other possibilities.

*Actual description of Belladonna Took's "last ever attempt to fix things ever" hospital admission attire.

Life is shitty, okay. You've made it this far though. You don't have to find the energy to want big things. I will probably never have a decent paying job or get married or whatever other people want. I like my plants, I want a dog, I want to buy a hammock so I can sit in the shade in summer and read. Don't overthink it, I guess is what I'm saying. It would be nice to be dead, but if you can climb back out of the pit, it's also kind of nice to just live.

TL;DR: Life sucks. We will probably die bitter and cynical. Don't stop trying to change that, ever.

I don't know if any of that is in any way helpful, and I know there have been times where nothing anybody has said could have penetrated what was happening in my own head. So I just hope you take care of yourself, and maybe you can look back at it and be as surprised as I constantly am that I'm passed that part and I think maybe I'm okay now.

DA but thank you for writing this.

You're welcome. I hope you're doing okay, different anon. :)

I know that feeling. :/

[ SECRET POST #3167 ]

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