fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3174 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3174 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Just some stuff under the cut.

I just feel like I'm never going to be happy. I've been depressed for what is going on eight straight years now, with respites sometimes of a couple of weeks or a month. My situations change, everything change, but this is constant and unrelenting.

It's festering inside me and everything seems to be tinted. When I think of having kids, something I used to really want, I think of myself being a useless mother who eventually commits suicide and destroys her kids. When I think of my family, and what they'd think if I committed suicide, I almost feel happy they'd be sad because I resent them for making me stay alive. My Mom once told me she'd commit suicide if I did. She's miserable too and all I can think is that she'd be better off and I'm not sad at all. I feel callous and terrible.

My Mom imprinted on me early that visiting a doctor and getting help is weak and useless. That held me fact from doing it early on. Now I'm so ingrained in it, so tired, and so in the routine that the thought of any change is terrifying and I fight the idea tooth and nail. I want to be dead or I want everything to stay the same and awful. There's no in between. I'm crazy.

I'm sorry to rant at you guys. I just don't have anybody else. I hope you can understand and I hope you don't feel like I'm weak and selfish. I'm just tired a lot.

I'm sorry.

Hugs if you want.

(and I will PM Case if anyone says anything uncalled for)

I want you to know that you're not alone. My mother did much the same thing; made me scared of doctors while at the same time refusing to take a lot of my worries seriously. 'Fester' is a good word, because it means you end up eating all the worries and mistrusts (of others and yourself) and you just end up anxious all the time.

And it makes you tired, questioning what's wrong with you all the time, why are you so fucked up. And that makes you more tired.

My mother imprinted so many oddities on me that when it was *she* who attempted suicide once, without any sort of other trigger, I nearly attempted it about a month later.

Look, just from this, I don't really know for sure. But I feel like - and I can be totally wrong and coming at this from my own bias - reading that you were pushed away from seeking help by someone that SHOULD WANT YOU to get help when you need it makes me worry if some of this is needing to detangle your issues from hers.

I don't think you're being callous. I worry - and again, it's some of my bias here that these things look familiar - that you may have some emotional manipulation happening to you.

You need help. You're not terrible or useless for going to people whose primary purpose is this specific thing. That is a terrible lesson she gave you. You're not crazy. You were taught a crazy idea. That can be broken.

If you need help or want to talk, message me or whatever. I can give my email. YOU WILL NOT BE BOTHERING ME. (emphasis: I thrive on email.) I've been there. Shit, there's help I should probably be getting as we speak, but boy have I been here. *hug*

You are not broken.

It can still be okay.

OK, your mother was wrong.

You are weak, and you are hurting. That's why you need help.

It would probably be good also to add that being weak sometimes is okay, and that being in pain doesn't make you defective as a person. That these things are not bad.

Please try seeing a doctor. That's what doctors are there for. If someone breaks their leg, they go see one. If someone's hormones are out of whack, they go see one. There's no difference between that and someone getting help because the chemicals in their brain might literally be making them unable to be happy.

If everything is horrible - what have you got to lose by going?

THIS DO THIS ANON PLEASE, I couldn't emphasise this more.

I asked for help in the end, and help I got. There wasn't an easy nor fast solution, but my "pride" at going it alone (with some similar ideas as yours from my mother) and terror at being "destabilised" from the status quo was terribly misplaced. I couldn't see myself truly for a long time, and I don't think you can at the moment either. Your fucked-uppedness is not in every pore of your being; when some things start falling into place for you, the other parts of you will blossom in ways you can't imagine now.

mentalillnessmouse.tumblr.com/helpfulresources

mentalillnessmouse.tumblr.com/tagged/suicide

mentalillnessmouse.tumblr.com/tagged/suicidal-ideation

It's not weak and selfish to have a rant anon, it's perfectly normal and acceptable to vent some of those negative feelings.

I do hope you can see a therapist one day, that's what they're for: helping you to vent out the bad stuff so you get rid of the festering and can move on. Please try to go see a doctor or get a referral to a therapist. It won't make you weak. And it's no more selfish for a depressed person to see a doctor than it is for a starving person to eat an apple or a drowning person to grab a raft. It's allowed, it's fine and I hope you do.

[ SECRET POST #3174 ]

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