fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3219 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3219 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

[Suicide Squad]

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02.

[Dragonlance Legends]

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03.

[Takehiko Inoue's "Real"]

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04.

[Avatar the Last Airbender/Legend of Korra]

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05.

[Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis]

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06.

[The Twelve Kingdoms]

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07.

[Dramatical Murder]

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08.

[Hemlock Grove, Bill Skarsgard]

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09.

[Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D]

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10.

[Psycho]

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11.

[Outlander series, Dougal/Claire]

Notes:

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My grandmother, like many grandmothers I suppose, is really racist/homophobic/sexist. She doesn't like change, but she's also 93. And despite it all, she means well generally, really cares about her family, and is nice (well, as nice as one can be, all things considering).

So my question: how do you deal with grandparents or elderly people like that? If they make a racist comment, what do you do? Do you ignore them, softly chide them, or try to engage them in a discussion about it?

I comfort myself with the knowledge that they'll be dead soon and their opinion won't matter anymore.

ayrt

I get you're being snide. But I don't feel my grandmother's opinion "matters" now. It's not about "mattering", and it doesn't "offend" me (though I'm gay). It's about conversing with a loved one, and deciding when to pick battles.

That's kinda sad. Do you not have a good relationship with your family?

Also NAYRT - that may be how you feel and it's your right, but it's pretty clear OP feels close to her grandmother despite her flaws. And that makes it difficult, coming from someone who also has family they love, but boy are some of their views problematic.

Just ignore it. It's not worth the hassle, and you're not going to change anything. Just love them as much as you can, and be ready to apologize for them if they say something untoward in public.

Depends heavily on a number of factors, perhaps chief among them being whether they're still cognitively sound. If something like that came from my step-grandma, for instance (who has said stuff that's very right-wing but not that I recall openly racist or homophobic also despite how conservative she is she's always appeared to be okay with her oldest daughter having a long-term female partner) I would ignore it or brush it off because she has dementia that's steadily advancing and there's literally nothing good that could come out of that confrontation. She wouldn't change, she doesn't even really know what she's saying and I'd be an asshole.

It's also worth bearing in mind that people of that age no longer have a very big influence on culture and, to put it delicately, their opinions will soon become completely obsolete - not that I'm trying to celebrate people dying, but it is the truth, and for that reason, if their opinions aren't directly affecting anyone (for example if they say racist shit but only really ever talk to white people) it is honestly better in some cases to let it go for the sake of family peace. However, on the other hand, their words can influence others, including children/teens, so sometimes it's best to say something - try to do so gently ("you're a fucking moron" is probably a bad idea here, lol) and/or maybe try to make sure you're a positive influence on any children in question so they can see a better example being set.

If, on the other hand, they have a family member who is gay, disabled, of another race, or otherwise marginalized in a way they rail against, that person's feelings and comfort are of immediate importance, and Grandma's comfort in saying bigoted things don't win out over that, old and matriarchal though she may be, IMO. This is especially true if what she's saying is really overt and hostile and she knows better. You don't have to tolerate shitty behavior towards others.

Edited 2015-10-28 00:29 (UTC)

My grandmother (80) is somewhat homophobic (Gay people aren't wired correctly apparently), racist (Or xenophobic rather) and sexist (Judging by the way she constantly talks about needing a man to fix things). This came as a surprise to the rest of the family when these attitudes started emerging a few years back, as she doesn't really seem to have a bad bone in her body.

My sister and I, who have both lived with her at different times the last couple of years, deal with this differently. My sister gets pissed and not-so-gently chides her (especially when it comes to homophobic attitudes as we have an openly gay cousin, and my grandma said some not very nice things about that...), whereas I have tried rationally discussing it with her, but have resigned myself to the fact that she won't change, especially as her memory gets worse. It's not something that comes up that often thankfully, or I might have had more issues with it.

Ignore it. She doesn't know she's in the wrong, and she's had a lot of years of her way of thinking being socially acceptable. As long as she's not causing a scene on a regular basis, roll your eyes and let her be at her age.

Yeah. Although my grandmother would've been a bit older than her, and she wasn't racist or homophobic - but not everyone changes with the times, especially when you take into account where or how they were raised.

Kind of awkwardly ignore or say "you can't say things like that now pa".

It's Grandma. It's how she was raised. This late in the game, she ain't gonna change, be happy with what you've got. Let her ugly comment pass, don't engage. Unless she's asking your opinion about X race/orientation/sex, you might as well ignore it.

I do engage with my grandma. She is old and a product of her generation and I love her, but I'm more than happy to call her out, so to speak. Not on everything, and I do it in a very gentle or light-hearted way, but I do it. Even if it's just an exaggerated and exasperated "Oh, Grandma!" (in my best Minnesota Nice accent) that lets her know I don't like what she said. I never yell or fight with her. I don't mind if she gets a little defensive - it gives us the opportunity to have a talk about why I didn't like what she said. If she wants to talk about gay people or something (which is TOUGH for her - it's just not something her generation ever spoke of out loud) I tell her I think it's great that she's comfortable having this conversation with me, and that though we disagree, it's cool we can have talks like this.

I know it depends on the grandparents, but honestly, old people CAN still change. They aren't brain dead. My grandma has made baby steps, and has more awareness about the crap that flies out of her mouth. She's gotten to the point with gay people that she acknowledges they mean well and she still loves her gay grandchild, even if she does believe it goes against the Bible... when before, it would've been something that would be too horrifying to even speak of. Point being, there's no need to treat them like infants. Love them, be gentle and understanding, but you can give them nudges when they need it.

My grandmother, like many grandmothers I suppose, is really racist/homophobic/sexist.

Don't paint all grandmothers with the same brush.

Don't paint all old people with the same brush. Otherwise, you're just being a bigot.

Hahaha wow.

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long response is kinda long, sorry

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