[ SECRET POST #3238 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3238 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 043 secrets from Secret Submission Post #463.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Re: Weird fandom crush things (a confession)

[skeletal_history]

Yes. I have one "main" story that I have been imagining for 20+ years and it's tangentially related to two fandoms. The main character's husband has got a stable personality and backstory, but his appearance and minor personality elements have changed over time depending on who my fandom crush happens to be. (He's usually a combo of two certain people [one musician, one actor], but sometimes, I'll see some new actor or character and be like, "Hold on, pretend he's him!.")

Then I have a handful of unrelated stories that I think of instead at random intervals. Like, uh, a few years ago I was obsessed with the British crime drama Waking the Dead, with an uncomfortable crush on Boyd/Trevor Eve (I find him attractive, but, uhhhh, he kind of looks like my dad?), and I liked to pretend that I was Grace, except Grace was my age. :) (No offense, Sue Johnson, you rock.) I do this with a bunch of fandoms and have done since I was a small child -- my mom says at age 2 I told everyone to call me Peter, after Peter Pan -- and I've never stopped.

I go off into fantasy worlds about these stories all throughout the day, but especially when I'm driving, cooking, cleaning, taking a walk, puttering around my apartment, and waiting to fall asleep.

It's definitely a coping technique for me (against stress and boredom), but oddly, in times of extreme stress, I can't do it. (That's actually my main sign to myself of how upset I am -- I know things are really bad when I can't pretend I'm someone else.) I also never do it while interacting with others -- I can do it privately in my head while I'm silently working in my office with my office-mate, for example, but it stays in my head and never spills over into real life.

And it's usually completely voluntary except in one way: my mom died a few years ago, and I've never been able to really cry for her, because the instant I start crying, I imagine I'm my main character crying over something in her story. And I don't want to do this! I WANT to cry over my mother and remain "myself" the whole time, I don't want to dissociate into my character, but by the time I notice what I've done and try to bring myself back to myself, the emotion has passed and I stop crying.

I've only ever told my therapist and my mother that I do this, and never in this much detail! You now know something extremely personal about me, and I'm going to resist the urge to go anon and post this. :)