fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3247 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3247 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 043 secrets from Secret Submission Post #464.
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^^^

Me: Everyone thinks about killing themselves from time to time!
My friend: No, not everyone does.
Me: ...you've never thought about killing yourself?
My friend: No.
Me: Never in your life?
My friend: No.
Me: Oh.

I seeked help. I got better.

I don't know... I know a lot of people who had some dark times and were kind of suicidal for a time but of all of them only one ever bothered seeing a doctor for that. Sure, not *everyone* thinks about killing themselves from time to time, but if you're the introvert, self-reflecting type you definitely will. "thinking about it" can have a lot of different degrees though.
That said, I was depressed for about 4 years or so, and later again for about 2 years (classic burn-out) but I got back on my feet without needing to take meds, thankfully.

Honestly, the first time around, I didn't. Which is part of why shit went to hell.

I can soooort of recognize it now, it's a bit like muscle memory.

I think I already suspected it for some time before, but realized it was definitely likely when I had to read The Bell Jar for a class and noticed how similar the thoughts/feelings described were to some of my own.

Skipping classes, ignoring friends, binging on junk food, staying up all night and sleeping all day.

It took a long time of thinking and talking about my feelings before I realized I was DEPRESSED-depressed. Like... I would say when I really started struggling with serious, big-deal depression was around when I was 19/20. I did therapy for a few months, fell off the bandwagon. Graduated college, started working for a while, spent at least a year and a half of that time being seriously depressed.

Around the time that I was 24 I opened up a lot more about my feelings with my mom, who told me she thought that I was depressed & convinced me to go see a therapist. And even then it took me like 3 or 4 months for the therapist to convince me that I was seriously depressed & didn't just feel sad. And then another couple months and a major depressive episode before she convinced me to go on anti-depressants.

So.... basically, I realized I was depressed after about 5 years of being depressed, and both a close loved one & a mental health professional telling me that I had depression. The facts were there for a long, long time before I was ready to acknowledge them. I don't know if that's helpful - because I really can't point to one sign that proved I was depressed. There were an avalanche of signs that I ignored because that's the way that depression makes you think.

For me, my first signal is that my personal hygiene goes to hell. If I realize I can't remember the last time I took a shower, that means I'm probably depressed. Sleeping excessively, too, is a big signal for me.

Hey quirky! *waves*

If we're talking about times when one is going through a depressive episode - the sign for me is mostly how much time I spend thinking about myself sucking. And in particular, if I just get into a groove with that shit and just can't stop dwelling on it.

I went to see a therapist when I went to college. She figured out right away that I was depressed and probably had been since elementary school.

Around the time I realized I was "going through the motions" of pretty much EVERYTHING. School, talking with friends, fandom, eating, etc. I t hit that everything that used to make me feel something just didn't eat more. Like being sucked dry.

Someone told me normal eleven-year-olds don't handle their inability to tolerate stupid people by cutting themselves. Teacher overheard, forced me to tell the principal, who forced me to tell my mom, who proceeded to make it all about her. Doctor gave me a piece of paper to fill out, called me a smartass for pointing out how obvious the answers are to skew one way or the other, put me on drugs that completely annihilated my ability to separate reality from fiction.

All in all, that was a very strange year.

That is fucked. I'm sorry they treated you like that. :( An eleven year old cutting on themselves is serious. It seems like they treated it as a way to insult you. Not cool.

Knowing what being depressed felt like, and feeling it for a long time, and talking to my mom about it.

Freshman year of college I started cutting myself again (I had as a kid but my parents figured it was just a phase, made me stop and never addressed the issue again) and I was like okay... suspect. Sophomore year I started dealing with hardcore suicidal ideation and regularly couldn't bring myself to get out of bed that kinda confirmed it.

TW: Suicidal thoughts
I thought I was normal all through high school. I thought everyone my age wanted to end it quick at some point, and if *I* , with my loving family and easy class schedule, wanted to drive my car off a bridge then, hell, those honors kids must just want to slit their wrists every time they see a knife. I never tried anything for various reasons.

On top of that, I was desperately not one of the sad-sack nerds (YK, the ones who would find a way to mention their depression or anxiety in every single conversation) because that was what I thought "real" depression/anxiety was.

A few months ago, my mom was talking about her own experiences, and it turns out that yes, that was real depression. At this point, it was either just a phase or I'm still depressed and don't realize.

TL;DR No, past me, not every teenager wants to kill themselves.

I dunno. I mean figured the suicidal thoughts and lethargy weren't normal, but it didn't really hit me how bad my depression was until I was on anti-depressants for a bit and addressed underlying issues.

The lethargy really seems to be a common theme. It was the same with me. Sleeping forever, skipping my job, always sick, drinking... Two friends of mine had different symptoms but the lethargy was the same. one went full hikikomori and completely inverted her day/night-cycle, and lived her life in an mmorpg, the other would sleep for days and then be awake for 3 in a row to binge-watch old TV-shows.

[ SECRET POST #3247 ]

How did you realize you were depressed?

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