fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3331 ]

[ SECRET POST #3331 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3331 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[RPF Hillary Clinton / Henry Kissinger]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 033 secrets from Secret Submission Post #476.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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Be it mental, physical, or both.

I'm just sick of pain. I'm sick of painkillers that make me nauseous and make my brain fuzzy. I'm sick of it interfering with what I need to get done. I'm just sick of it.

Also while we're at it. I'm sick of my vertigo which makes flying pretty much torture for me.

Edited 2016-02-17 00:00 (UTC)

The combo of a sinus infection, an ear infection, and arthritis triggered by the weather, on top of menstrual cramps makes nonny here feel bluh as crap.

Really sorry anon. That sucks.

Except for the menstrual thing, this could totally be me. Though I guess it will be me in a couple of weeks. Heh.

Thanks mostly to a confluence of external affairs I'm having a bit of a bad time with anxiety at the moment. It'll probably all pass over in a week or two though.

I watched some old videos of myself and it's pretty sad to see how much I've strayed from how outgoing when I was younger. I was bullied pretty heavily as a kid because social skills sucked balls so I withdrew and became standoff-ish and my anxiety's spiraled badly. Freaked out really bad in college and dropped out. Became a shut-in and even leaving the house now is a struggle.

(And therapy's taking longer than I hoped it would and it's probably my fault because I haven't been putting in the effort I need to be. Sorry mom.)

tw depression, suicide and stuff

Yeah, I'm mentally pretty rough right now. I've had zero luck on my job hunt and grad school took a toll on me as well, I think. I've reverted to cutting and throwing up lots of what I eat - habits I worked hard to kick after my teen years. I never talk to myself, but now I have these verbal ticks where I suddenly insult myself out loud and tell myself I deserve to die and when I'm alone I sometimes hit myself like a crazy person. And I have this obsessive suicide fantasy about shooting myself in the head. Luckily I hate guns and I would never buy one and I don't even think I want to die, I think I just want something to change abruptly and I want my head to stop hurting so much and this gun ideation probably just represents that but still. I can't even concentrate anymore, I can't focus and I feel like I can't do anything until I sort my failure of a life out, but I'm so burned out. And I know how privileged I am in so many ways, so that makes me feel even shittier about... feeling shitty? Yeah. fuck me and my dumb, messed-up self.

I've had headaches for days. Pretty sure it's from my stupid new job. Sigh.

I'm so tired of kidney stones. I just wish this minor one or two would just pass, dammit, as they are making me miserable. (But not so miserable that I can't force myself to go to work. I guess that is better than when I was in and out of the hospital last time? But being miserable at work isn't great either.)

I'm also so tired of being stressed and depressed. It just saps the will out of me. I need a new job, but I can't make myself do it. And my apartment is a disaster, but I can't bring myself to work on it. And just so many other things that logically I know I should be doing, but mentally I can't bring myself to do. And I can't see my life getting better in the future, so in my mind suicide has become more of a "when" rather than an "if".

And as I'm still paying off my hospital stay and surgeries (thank goodness for charity care, or I never would be able to pay off the super high deductible) and I have crap insurance, it's not like I can get treatment for anything short of getting hit by a bus. (Or needing to be hospitalized again, I guess.)

I recently fought with kidney stones, so I am sending you all the good karma I have. And I can identify with the anxiety and stuff, too. Keep hanging in there. Suicide is something I considered when I was was depressed, and it did get better. It's not great, but it's better! I actually spent a lot of time focused on the pop culture stuff I'd miss if I wasn't around and it actually helped me convince myself that it's better to see what's around the next corner of life.
I do really hope you start to feel better, and I am sending all my good karma your way.

I've been getting motion sickness on the bus home from work a lot lately. I don't get it, I've never had a regular problem with motion sickness in my life, and nothing else has changed recently that I know of that might have triggered it. I haven't thrown up yet, and I always feel better almost as soon as I get off, so right now it's just unpleasant, but I wish I knew why it's happening.

I am currently on what I hope is a hormonal downswing--because if it's hormonal, it'll go away eventually. I feel bad because I'm avoiding my mom so I don't snap and start screaming at her, but she thinks I'm avoiding her because I'm mad at her. Sort of, but really I'm just mad at everyone, self included, alongside terrified and sad. And at least alone I can distract myself. With another person in the room, they become the distraction and a target. And my mom's dying of cancer. She doesn't deserve to have my depression brain-vomit spewed at her.

Still healing from a broken nose and I have shitty sinus issues that keep me up at night, and an ear infection.

Also pretty sure I have arthritis in my fingers and thumb joint, on top of what is probably carpal tunnel (too much time at the computer). I just need to find an ergonomic mouse that actually works. (I've been using my other hand for the mouse but now I'm starting to feel the effects of computer work on that wrist too.)

I've been rather depressed lately (at least one suicidal fantasy a week), but I can't bring myself to find a new psychologist or to go back to my old one. My government-appointed job seeker agency is, legally, supposed to be giving me mental health support; but I haven't seen any of their shrinks in a few months, and the last time I did, he spent the entire appointment talking about interview techniques.
I just really want to be able to talk to someone about all these graphic self-harm fantasies, you know?

I either have a light cold or bad allergies, and I kinda over caffeinated/ under ate today and its giving me anxiety (and it doesn't help that I am already very stressed out by university)

Ugh, it's so hot and dry, my sinuses are in full revolt. Feels like someone filled them with quick set cement.

Depression, depression meds, and their interactions with other meds causing other health problems have led me to gain 50 pounds in the past two years. I don't recognize myself in photos and passing reflections in shop windows, I have no idea how to dress myself, I'm seeing a dietician and working out and weighing/measuring/recording every molecule of food that passes my lips including chewing gum and it's taken me 7 weeks to lose 5 pounds, and gaahhhhhhh.

But on a happier note, i switched one of my meds last week and immediately noticed that the low-grade anxiety, physical jitteriness, and motor-mouth/impulsive speech the old meds had caused had GONE AWAY, and I now operate at my normal energy level once again. I have friends who have only known me as a high-strung chatterbox, and I'm so glad I get to show them a more accurate representation of my actual self now.

I'm so tired of binge eating. I'm so tired of my weight. I'm so tired of hating myself.

My shoulders and neck hurt. Maybe I'm stressed.

Physically, I have psoriatic arthritis, fibromyalgia and random dizzy spells that none of my doctors can figure out the cause of even after five years of having them. Also, before my hysterectomy, I had endometriosis and poly-cystic ovarian syndrome. Now I just have hot flashes. Dealing with the physical pain and discomfort caused by these ailments is exhausting at best, and can sometimes be almost overwhelming.

Mentally, I'm bipolar, autistic and have moderate anxiety, so that's fun, too.

I have two chronic auto-immune illnesses that are causing me discomfort and are making life pretty miserable. However, the biggest problem is that I have other symptoms that have nothing to do with those two that are so bad that I can't work (or even be upright for a few hours). I went with a friend to see a movie this weekend, and I almost passed out in the middle of it. I just kept thinking, "You're in a chair. You don't have far to fall if you pass out. Just enjoy the movie." But we came home right after the movie was over.

I have been going to doctors and telling them my symptoms and none of them seem to want to see what's going on beyond what's already been diagnosed. I've missed tons of work (and had to have a talk about taking disability leave, which I don't want to do), and I haven't been able to go have 'fun' for almost two years. All this does compound my stress and depression, but I just want my regular life back.

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[ SECRET POST #3331 ]

Bad health complaining

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