fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3362 ]

[ SECRET POST #3362 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3362 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[10 Cloverfield Lane]

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[The Flash/DC Comics]

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08. [SPOILERS for Gravity Falls]

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09. [SPOILERS for Zootopia]

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10. [SPOILERS for Zootopia]

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11. [WARNING for rape]

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12. [WARNING for rape]

[Downton Abbey]

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13. [WARNING for dubcon/rape/etc]

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14. [WARNING for sexual assault]

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15. [WARNING for sexual assault]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #480.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 2 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It's not your fault. Just the nature of the thing. Have you tried talking to any close friends or mental health professionals about it? Or do you want to try talking at greater length about it here and maybe we can get a better idea where you're coming from?

No close friends. I don't go to therapists - it's not for lack of trying. It's not something I talk about with anyone.

I'm 20 years old and bisexual. Because of circumstances surrounding my schooling, I didn't romantically interact with people of an appropriate age until I was 17. When I was 17, I had my first sexual contact with another girl, who unfortunately didn't call me back after. I still feel as though if she'd call me, I'd answer.

There have been several men to show romantic interest in me, some of which I have reciprocated, but in a very detached way. I find the sexual interest of men scary and unattractive. The moment they begin to show some sort of interest, I back off. I think some part of me hates their compliments and the way they act towards me, the courting.

I've only had romantic interest in guy friends (1) and guys who showed absolutely no interest in me (2). One of them kissed me at a party and asked me to be "sex friends", which I declined (since I've never had sex). He told me he had no romantic interest in me. I think I'd still call him back, too, if he asked me, and I am still sexually attracted to him. I also have a little crush on one of my classmates and close friends, who is not only uninterested but aggressively uninterested.

I recently went on a date with a very nice guy. he complimented me, we talked, he paid, he was nice to me. I drove him back to his car and he kissed me. I was uncomfortable and just wanted him to leave. When he complimented me, I just wanted him to stop. His further compliments and romantic interest made me so uncomfortable that, on my drive home, I had to pull over because I was near tears about how dysfunctional and unromantic I felt.

I am not sure how I would respond to the romantic interest of a girl, but probably not in the same way. Girls feel more comfortable and less of a threat, somehow. I don't know what's wrong with me, honestly. I'm sorry for typing a novel.

Okay, well, first of all, please don't feel like there's anything wrong with you. It's not a question of function or dysfunction. It's a question of what you want and what you're comfortable with. And there isn't any wrong preference about that. I would also say that, like, when you're talking about that date you went on - there's nothing wrong with being unattracted to him, or even uncomfortable with him, no matter how perfectly nice he is. There's no law that says that you ought to be attracted to guys just because they happen to be nice and attractive and interested in you. Sometimes people just don't click. There's nothing wrong with you for feeling that, you're not doing anything wrong or letting anyone down. please believe that.

One question that I want to ask: how do you feel and think about romantic relationships with guys in the abstract? That is to say, how do you feel about them when you're just thinking about them in general, not when it's some specific guy you know who wants to take you out? What about sexual relationships with guys - how do you think and feel about them in the abstract? Not in terms of anyone pursuing you, just when you picture yourself being in that kind of relationship, what you would want out of it, what an ideal relationship of that kind would like look to you - that kind of thing.

You also say that you hate the courting - the idea of compliments, that kind of thing. Can you talk some more about that? Like, how specifically do you react when someone compliments you like that? That's really interesting.

It could be that you just aren't that interested in guys romantically, mostly just sexually, and more interested romantically in women. It could also be that, for whatever reason, you're just not comfortable with guys - and that also wouldn't be wrong. There's a lot of things that it could be. None of them add up to something being wrong with you.

Thank you. I feel like such a dick because the perfectly nice guys in my life are the ones I end up rejecting and hurting. People tell me that I am too picky around them, that I should just give them a chance, when all I really see is me breaking it off after 10 dates instead of 1, which I think is worse.

Romantic relationships with guys in the abstract is...fine, I suppose. I imagine someone I would be friends with, mostly. Travel with, share a life with, kids with. The general details are fine, specifically when they are related to how we can improve each other's lives. But the details are where it gets murky. I can't imagine being comfortable enough with a sexual partner to spend a ton of time with them. It might just be because I've never had sex with a man before and I've built it up in my mind to something more than it really is.

What I want most out of a relationship might be intersecting utility functions, which sounds soulless mostly.

When someone compliments me, I mostly want them to stop. It goes along a sliding scale. I like compliments on things I do, like my writing and my art, but nothing excessive since it makes me uncomfortable. I hate compliments about anything to do with my body or personality, ESPECIALLY if they come from men. With women, it's really not so bad, but there's only so much I can take. When the guy from my date tried to compliment my eyes, my automatic response (when I was seeing where it was going) was to make a joke and divert him away.

You might be right. I find the idea of having a sex with a man I don't know much less threatening than a relationship. Sometimes I think I would highly prefer actually settling down with a woman. But there's a lot of complicated family stuff going on there that I'd prefer not to think about.

I'd be really interested in hearing more about how you feel when someone compliments your body and personality. But, you know, I know it's hard to talk about this kind of thing.

I don't think there's anything wrong with intersecting utility functions if that's what works for you. I also don't think there's anything wrong if that changes over time. This is all really hard and we're all just trying to figure out what works for us and all told it's probably a lot better to take the time and figure it out, rather than just fall into some socially obligated thing that doesn't work for you. If the answer is 'date women and fuck men', that's a completely fine answer.

DA

I'm not exactly offering advice here, but holy smokes, this entire thread is so me! I was actually considering posting my own little rant about romance and dating earlier but I chickened out. Then you posted.

You're not alone anon, not alone at all. I'm not sure if it's that all the guys who've been interested in me are guys I'm not attracted to. Or if it's the unequal aspects I dislike, or if the few guys I've dated so far have been sexist or immature. Or if it's just guys in general.

So I don't know if I'm bisexual and suck at relationships, or straight and suck at relationships, or gay and unaware.

Like you, I get so uncomfortable about compliments and flirting, and as soon as they show romantic interest I wish they'd just go away. A big part of it, for me, is that I don't want to be viewed sexually by them. I don't want to be a prize for them to obtain, a trophy with tits. (One dude once told me: "I think god gave me you," and I didn't find it romantic, it just made me nope the hell out of there.) I don't want them to like some idealized fantasy-girl version of me, as if I'm some kind of manic pixie dream girl who's gonna help them "find themselves." I want them to like me for me; as a person.

All I know is, I want a relationship where we're a team, best friends who help each other become the best we can be.

DA

Also with the compliments thing - is it because they feel disingenous?

Because that's the way it's always felt for me. Either a) the only thing you give a shit about is how "pretty" I am, and not about anything I think or feel, or b) you just want someone to fuck.

You know, there's nothing wrong with being uncomfortable with men, or not wanting to have sex with men, or not wanting to be in relationships with men.

You know what DOES point to something be wrong, though? The fact that she's interested and attracted up until the point where the guy actually likes her. As long as he either views her as a sex object or a non-entity, she's fine. The second he views her as someone he wants to have a relationship with, she's disgusted.

That's unhealthy and points to something being wrong, and you saying, "oh no sweetie you're fine that's not dysfunctional at all" is really shitty.

Not to dictate your sexuality to you but... you're gay.

I've been in a similar place where guys are only attractive to me if as long as it's a fantasy but the moment it turns to something that could be possible it's just 'nope'. I thought I was bi for a long time but when it came to face facts. I'm just a big ol' gay. But hey, that's my experience, take it with a grain of salt. All that really matters is that you don't force yourself into a relationship you don't want to be in. And don't feel guilty about not being into someone.

NAYRT--so if the "interested until they express interest" thing applies to both sexes, am I asexual? Because I swear I'm bi. Just terrified with intimacy issues galore.

Maybe. Its something to consider. Im just giving my gut feeling based on everything OP said. It could be intimacy issues, or your subconscious is trying to tell you something about what you actually desire. I guess just think about what makes you happy.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #3362 ]

Re: Romantic advice thread?

Re: Romantic advice thread?

Re: Romantic advice thread?

Re: Romantic advice thread?

Re: Romantic advice thread?

Re: Romantic advice thread?

Re: Romantic advice thread?

Re: Romantic advice thread?

Re: Romantic advice thread?

Re: Romantic advice thread?

Re: Romantic advice thread?