[ SECRET POST #3370 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3370 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 070 secrets from Secret Submission Post #482.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Can I help my brother?

[(Anonymous)]

My brother and his girlfriend have been fighting a lot, again. They've pretty much been fighting non-stop since they moved in together a little over a year ago. She started going to a therapist and he occasionally went as well, with her or without. A while ago, the therapist mentioned she thought my brother's girlfriend might have borderline personality disorder. She got angry and stopped going. My brother kept up his visits though, partly to get advice/coping mechanisms.

Anyway, he's incredibly conflicted. On the one hand, everything he's read and heard leads him to believe that no, he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life like this. He's also been through this before, because while I'm not sure his ex was diagnosed, her behavior was very similar. That relationship was on and off for the better part of a decade and made him miserable. But on the other hand, when things are good he is incredibly happy with her. And he did decide to move in with her, soooo...

He said he's going to try and stick it out for a while. I did tell him to maybe not let it drag on as long as it did with his ex and he seemed to agree with that, so that was a relief, but I'm still horrified. I thought after years of being in a terrible relationship he'd finally found someone decent and now this. I get along pretty well with his gf and feel bad for her but...he told me he feels 'safer/more at ease' out on the street or at a bar or at his job or basically anywhere else but at home with her. Because he can't really predict what will happen next there. At that point I basically wanted to command him to 'get out, get out NOW', but I doubt he'd listen.

There's probably nothing I or anyone else can do but be there and listen, it's just upsetting and I needed to vent. If anyone does have any advice, it would be very welcome.

Re: Can I help my brother?

[(Anonymous)]

Considering she won't go to therapy, it is probably safest for your brother to cut off ties with her. Maybe explain that she won't get better on her own and things will continue to be unsafe and stressful for him. And that he can't help people that won't help themselves.

Re: Can I help my brother?

[(Anonymous)]

donthavekidstogetherdonthavekidstogetherdonthavekidstogether...

Re: Can I help my brother?

[a_potato]

When someone is deeply involved in a bad/abusive/toxic relationship, it's hard for them to recognize it. They might have moments of clarity, but there's still a voice in the back of their minds telling them that it isn't that bad, and that if they just do X, Y, and Z, they can fix things and everything will work out.

The best thing you can do for your brother is make yourself available. Let him know that you're there for him and that, if he wants out, you will support and help him. Otherwise, as much as it sucks, there's not much else you can do.

Re: Can I help my brother?

[(Anonymous)]

I hope your brother doesn't get too bogged down in labels. While it might be helpful to put a name to what his girlfriend's problem is, it's just a name. Dealing with her behavior is the main focus here, and if her behavior makes him feel miserable and unsafe in his own freaking home, it doesn't matter what a therapist or doctor calls it.

Especially if she's in denial and refusing to seek treatment for her BPD. I'd say his chances were shaky even if she were still in therapy and still working on managing her BPD, but without that? Forget about it. Don't badmouth the girlfriend or call her names. Tell him you'll be there for him no matter what, promise him that you will NOT say 'I told you so' if he decides he wants out. He may stay longer in that relationship just out of shame and embarrassment, and you don't want that. A lot of people stay far longer than they should because they've invested so much into a person/relationship, but sometimes you really just have to cut your losses.

Re: Can I help my brother?

[mrs_don_draper]

Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do. If your brother is "happy" living like that, that is his choice/mistake/decision/whatever to make, and you can't make it for him. Also, if his girlfriend won't get help, no one can make her. All you can do is keep reiterating that he deserves better.

Re: Can I help my brother?

[dahli]

If he feels safer OUTSIDE his own place then that's a huge red flag so I think giving him advice that they should break it off but not by fighting. They should really talk it out, and see that the best for each other is to not continue because they are hurting themselves in the long term. Also ask him if it's worth going through all the pain and tears just for a moment of happiness? :/ Because that sounds really unhealthy.

Yes, it sucks to break-up but it's better to do it now or he'll end up getting dragged down. They can always talk it out and if they want to, they can get back together later on when they are sure they won't try to tear each other a new one.

Eh but to answer your question I think the best you can do right now is to help him and advice him as best as you can. I think by the end of the day he'll make the choice he thinks it's better for the both of them.

Re: Can I help my brother?

[(Anonymous)]

No. You can be there for him, and help him find resources if he does decide to leave her, but at this juncture, he has to decide to leave her himself. Trying to push him before he`s ready to take that step on his own will unfortunately be more likely to alienate him than achieve anything, and might make him cleave closer to her if he feels like you`re attacking her character or his decisions.