[ SECRET POST #3402 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3402 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 046 secrets from Secret Submission Post #486.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Advice Thread

[(Anonymous)]

Because I'd like some, please

[(Anonymous)]

What's a gentler way to tell someone you've been with for several years "you really annoy me, your lifestyle choices are concerning, and your blind clinginess and constant worship of me makes me feel uncomfortable instead of loved"?

[(Anonymous)]

Is this a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Are you a guy or a girl.

[(Anonymous)]

Does it matter? If it helps, I'm a lady.

[kallanda_lee]

Well it matters if it's a bf/gf because if ou put it that way, you might end the relationship.

[dancing_clown]

What's your objective in saying this? Are you hoping they'll change behavior, or are you wanting to break up and these are the reasons why, but you want to be nicer about it?

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah my thoughts too. Cause you should probably deliver it differently for ending things vs. trying to fix things

[(Anonymous)]

It's the latter. I feel like an ass because I've been out of the "honeymoon stage" in this relationship for a long time, and he's still blindly smitten and idealizes me to the point where he doesn't treat me like a real person, only a flawless being who can do no wrong. To think that's what I wished for at one point in my life, lol

It's probably because we live on different sides of the state. But I stayed with him for a few months in the past, in his apartment with his shitty roommate, and I knew I was done. But he's all excited for when we live together for reals... despite just signing up for another year of school because he's all too happy to live on his parents' dime and, I quote, "ignore the real world for another year."

[(Anonymous)]

well the good news is you guys aren't living together or anything yet so the break up in general should be easier

I would say like... you don't think its healthy for either of you the way he idealizes you and that's why you should end it? something like that.

[herpymcderp]

"I think we need to break up."

[(Anonymous)]

If they don't want to break up: "We need couple's therapy"

but probably yours

[(Anonymous)]

"I want to get my own apartment, mom."

[(Anonymous)]

Break up with them firmly and don't backtrack at all. Don't leave it open to a chance. But also don't, like, critique every aspect of their life. If they insist on a reason then pick the one or two that are most important, don't just go down a list of every single thing about them that you hate.

(My opinion. It just seems like it would be needlessly devastating to say all the things you hate about them, like you've been saving it up and making a really LOOONG list. Especially if this guy really loves you, it's going to hurt a lot.)

[(Anonymous)]

Well no, I wouldn't rattle off a huge list, but I feel I owe it to at least say why. Not "hey, I wanna break up, enjoy your summer!" And I was hoping for some advice on a gentle way to do this, although I know there's no way I'm not gonna look like an asshole.

[(Anonymous)]

That depends. Do you want to stay with this person, or leave? If you want to leave:

"This isn't working out and I want to break up with you."

You don't have to explain why or what's not working, no matter how much the other person demands it. Actually it's better you don't, because this isn't a debate, is it? If your partner wins, you're not going to stay, right? So there's no point discussing it.

If your intent is to stay, then be blunt and lay out specifically what's not working for you, but don't expect the other person to change. Don't make the mistake of getting strung along by promises to change, either.

[(Anonymous)]

I mean, re: the break up, I don't think they have to go into detail or engage in a debate, but giving a brief reason might help the break up. Because the boyfriend is probably gonna ask why and I feel like (depending on what kind of person he is) he might be even less willing to let it go with no answer. Even if its just a vague one like "we want different things" or "we aren't compatible", that is my 2 cents.

[(Anonymous)]

I mean, I still care about him and this isn't like a short-term thing, we've been together, long-distance, for a few years. Don't you think I owe him an explanation? It'd be cruel to say "this isn't working, kbai" after so long and leave him agonizing over what it could be. Because I know him, he will agonize to death.

I just want to part on decent terms and reason it out, like "are you sure you're not bored? We have nothing in common anymore. And there's such and such other factors." Even though I've asked repeatedly about these things and he's always like "nope! You're not boring! And we like this show, that's what we have in common."

cultural racism

[(Anonymous)]

I realised I'm a cultural racist and I'm not sure it's bad. Some cultures are terrible. However google says it's still racism. Any thoughts?

Re: cultural racism

[(Anonymous)]

stop with the troll threads you're so damn spammy

Re: cultural racism

[(Anonymous)]

nah, I'm not the troll. I didn't express myself properly but I truly found out what cultural racism is today. Well, yesterday in my time zone. FS probably isn't the best place to ask though. Idk.

Re: cultural racism

[(Anonymous)]

I mean, there's a difference between disapproving of, say, child marriage and being all like, "my culture is the best and also all the people who did good were white, and Egyptians were white too lol"

Re: cultural racism

[(Anonymous)]

It's a hard line to walk.

I think a few things to keep in mind are:

1, criticizing the specific elements of a culture, more than the people within it
2, being aware of the context and history and structure of a culture, not just surface elements
3, trying hard to be fair-minded and not knee-jerk-y

Re: cultural racism

[(Anonymous)]

It's a hard line to walk.

I think a few things to keep in mind are:

1, criticizing the specific elements of a culture, more than the people within it
2, being aware of the context and history and structure of a culture, not just surface elements. and also the relations between cultures.
3, trying hard to be fair-minded and not knee-jerk-y, and also be aware of the beams in your own eye, you know - there are no cultures that are free of problems. i think it's really important if you are going to criticize cultures to be extremely scrupulous about making sure it's not covering for a deeper bigotry.

I think if you do those things, it's doable. certainly i don't think cultures are beyond critique.

Re: cultural racism

[(Anonymous)]

It seems weird to me that any culture would be terrible, full stop. Like, nothing is good about it at all? The food, the art, the language, the clothes, the creation myths... Nothing?

Re: cultural racism

[(Anonymous)]

two words - Female Circumcision