fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3489 ]

[ SECRET POST #3489 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3489 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 63 secrets from Secret Submission Post #499.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
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Would you be ok with someone going through your e-mail/browser history/laptop in general? Would it depend on the person? Would they need to ask permission? Would they need a valid reason?

I ask because my brother's girlfriend apparently checks his computer to see if he hasn't been visiting any 'bad' sites (such as?) or if he has been saying anything behind her back to anyone. He never gave her any reasons to believe he was cheating on her or anything like that. He never had a password on his computer either. She does. But then I do too and I live alone. She has now apparently crossed some sort of line and pissed him off so he has a password now too, but before he just let her do this.

When I found out I had to suppress a shudder. I felt violated and offended on his behalf. I never thought I had a deal-breaker before, but I guess this is one. I suppose I'd warn my SO, tell them if they wanted to know something they should ask, but if it happened again...

Am I the only one who feels this way? I don't really do anything that special on my laptop, it's just that so much of my life is on there it feels extremely private. You don't go through someone's diary or correspondence either, right?

I had the exact same problem with my brother's girlfriend. I would not be okay with anyone going through my computer without my permission. It's not even about being afraid that they'll find anything. I'm just a private person and the idea of it bothers me on a visceral level.

Nope.

I'd be fine with it; there's nothing on it he doesn't know about.

Of course, this is only if he asked first. If he went behind my back and did it, no, no it would not be ok.

Though lol one of the great parts about being straight is that there's a precisely 0% chance of your SO giving a shit if you look at porn. I've known lesbian friends of mine to get in huuuuuuuuge fights over it, and frankly DNW.

OTOH, my computer is password locked precisely because I once caught my mother snooping around on it (she had her own laptop there; it's not like she needed it for any other purpose) while I was asleep when we were sharing a hotel room for my little brother's wedding. She has a sordid history of going through all of my stuff/reading my diaries/etc. ever since I was a child, and using anything she found against me in whatever drama she decided to cook up. It was to the point where I had a fake diary that I wrote innocuous personal details in to satisfy her; otherwise she'd just rip my room apart looking for evidence of whatever I'd been up to.

But other than her? Nah. My friends all know I like gay porn. They don't know but would not be surprised to find that I like femdom. Other than that, I have... pirated music and movies like everyone else in the universe? A few mildly embarrassing fandom rants that I wrote when I was 13-18. Credit card details and tax information?

Uhh, straight people can fight about porn too? My mom and dad almost split because she found it so disrespectful and akin to cheating.

I feel like some women have problems with their male SO looking at porn, but I've honestly never heard of a man having an issue with their female SO doing the same. Not saying it doesn't happen, but I feel men in general are more OK with watching porn.

As long as its not gay porn! It's so rare to see a dude that can recognize his love of lesbian porn is exactly the same as women liking gay porn.

Sorry, I was unclear: as a straight woman (and thus interested in dating men) there's almost a 0% chance.

If you're a straight guy it's more like 50/50.

I feel for ya, bros.

I'd be okay with my SO seeing my browser history, but I would not be okay with my SO specifically checking up on me by policing my browser history. Now some may argue that it is the same thing in effect, but there is a pretty clear difference in principle. One is a mark of a healthy and open relationship, the other is... not.

ayrt

No, I completely get this. My brother has actually used my computer with my permission when he had to look up stuff or if he had work to do but was visiting. I always feel a little anxious in case he sees something, but 1) I know he won't go *looking* for anything and 2) beyond (maybe) some teasing he won't hold it against me if he did come across anything. We all google weird things now and again and he probably knows I read fanfic, so whatever, it's just I'd rather he didn't know the details.

But having your SO, someone you should be able to trust and who should trust you, go through your private things with the express intent to find incriminating evidence to fight over...Wtf?

Yeah, this. Having my SO checking up on me would be a definite red flag.

Generally, no.

Like if they ask maybe I'd be okay with it, but if they didn't. Nope.

I don't like other people using my computer period, tbh. (And it rarely comes up as I have a desktop.)

It just feels so disturbingly personal to me, and yes, there are definitely things on my computer that I wouldn't want most people knowing about, lol. (My taste in porn, etc.)

Despite that I've definitely let people use my computer, but the whole time I'm thinking, "You almost done yet? Please be done. Don't snoop, please. Damn, I wish I had deleted that fanart..."

Oh hell no!

No, you are not the only person who feels that it would be a dealbreaker. No, it would not depend on the person; no, it is not okay if they ask permission; and I can't imagine a "valid reason" for such invasive, controlling, infantilizing behavior. If one party thinks they have justification for treating their adult SO like a naughty child, the relationship is already over.

Let me guess: does she periodically ransack his room too, looking for evidence of wrongdoing? Maybe she has a tracker on his phone or car?

Your brother should dump this awful, creepy woman posthaste. And watch his back, because she sounds like prime stalker material.

Seriously, this. Your brother's girlfriend is crazy and that is not okay.

She sounds messed up as fuck, and probably some shade of emotionally abusive if she's willing to do this. This kinda behavior and emotional abuse go hand in hand in my experience.

ayrt

Bingo.

And I think it's pretty telling that she was snooping on his computer while password-protecting her own.

There's a difference between using someone's computer and checking someone's computer. Some people don't care who uses their computer, but it's always a good idea to ask first.

For me, if my SO were checking my computer for the sake of monitoring my internet usage and making sure I wasn't visiting any sites that weren't to their tastes, I'd say there was much bigger issue present, and they'd be in as much doo-doo as your brother's girlfriend, if not more.

It's never a good idea to test someone's faithfulness by violating their trust.

Ugh. I wouldn't be okay with a partner who did this. Either they trust me and there's no need, or they don't and we need to break up.

That's a hallmark of an abusive relationship, as far as I'm concerned.

I don't know that I'd mind, if someone close to me (like an SO) asked to go through my browser history. I think e-mail is a bit weird, but I mostly just get junk mail and shipping confirmations, so if they had a good reason, I guess??

But to be doing that on a regular basis and "bad sites"? Sounds way too much like my friend's relationship with her ex, who was incredibly emotionally, verbally, and, towards the end, even physically abusive.

I hope your brother breaks up with her soon. She sounds like a paranoid nightmare.

I don't like anyone using my computer without permission, full stop.
With permission, it absolutely would depend on the person and the reason.

It'd take a lot of trust for me to be willing to consider letting someone use it without supervision. (More because I'm fussy about my setup than any sort of shame. Anything incriminating is likely spread across five or more browsers anyway.)
And if I don't trust someone, that's a one-way trip to never leaving my computer unlocked when they're around.

what she's doing is a red flag for abuse, you're entitled to privacy even in a relationship

ABSOLUTELY NOT. Full stop.

That is controlling and fucked up and wrong, to look over your SO's communications to see if they're doing only what you want them to be doing. FUCK NO. It doesn't serve any purpose except to establish control over your partner's behavior, and if you're so insecure you need that, THEN YOU SHOULDN'T BE TOGETHER.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #3489 ]

Would you be OK with your SO checking your computer?

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Agreed

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