[ SECRET POST #3633 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3633 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 18 secrets from Secret Submission Post #519.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 1 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

TW: Abuse

[(Anonymous)]

Creepy or not creepy? (Story in next comment)

Re: TW: Abuse

[(Anonymous)]

What do you think: how creepy is a 14 year age difference, and when is it creepy?

e.g.: I don't think a 14 year age difference is creepy when one partner is 30 and the other is 44. I do think it's pretty creepy when one partner is 16 and the other is 30. Especially when the 16 year old is still a freshman in high school--i.e., a particularly young 16.

(And I'll admit that by my own standards, my grandparents' marriage was creepy. There was an age gap of almost 20 years, and Nana was just 17. AFAIK, they were very happy--although I never knew my grandfather, he died long before I was born, so I never got to see them together.)

Next: is it less creepy to you if the 34 year old is a rather childish person who has never lived independently (and in fact, still has a "guardian" who is very controlling)? Or is it more so?

What about the fact that he is, in his 20 year old SO's view, "very protective"? Like, he calls her and reproaches her for being out at night, tells her where she should and should not walk?

She's dropping out of school after her first semester to go live with him and his new "guardian". She wants me to be happy for her.

Re: TW: Abuse

[(Anonymous)]

Oh, and to add to the horror: they're trying to conceive. Even though he may be shooting blanks because of a vasectomy his "guardian" apparently pressured him into getting.

Re: TW: Abuse

[(Anonymous)]

It sounds like because the older person is rather childish, they may be on the same page mentally. But there are still some red flags with this, one if they started dating when one person was 16 (I don't care how immature you are, an adult is still very different from a highschooler) and the "very protective" sounds like they are being controlling and not trusting that his SO can make their own decisions about things.

I don't always jump to calling age differences creepy but I do think the larger the age gap, the harder it is to make the relationship work. My personal rule is 10 years either way, because that seems to be the most amount of time where you can still relate to a person on an equal level. Immaturity can effect this, but like in your example even people who are immature will still often treat anyone younger then them like a child, and that just makes for a weird relationship in my mind.

Re: TW: Abuse

[(Anonymous)]

My father is working on a family history, and the more I think about his parents' relationship, the more I wonder about it. I want to believe Grandfather respected her as a peer: she had had a hard life, and had to grow up at a very young age--she was already out of school and working full time as a maid by the time she was 14. Later she worked as a waitress in the restaurant he part-owned. The way my father tells the story, it sounds sweet and romantic--Grandfather courted her by giving her books! he was supposed to go to Greece to find a bride, but ran off with Nana to Maryland on the spur of the moment instead. Still, I wonder.

But I can't see a thing that's sweet in the story this gal has been telling me. I suspect the guy is pressuring her into marrying him, and she's vulnerable because she really doesn't seem to have anyone else who cares.

Re: TW: Abuse

[(Anonymous)]

My Grandparents also had an age gap, not as large as yours, but enough that it was discussed. They had a great relationship but things were different when they got together (they met on a train which I can't even imagine because I would never let a guy on a train get near me.) It's possible the age gap doesn't feel as bad when the younger party is already independent.

The thing I worry about with the girl in your story is that she may regret this relationship. Things can change a lot from your teens to your early twenties and into your late twenties and thirties. And if she's in a vulnerable position it's even more likely that she'll grow into a person that doesn't need him. Without knowing them I can't say for sure, but I'd probably be concerned.

Re: TW: Abuse

[(Anonymous)]

This guy barely scraped through high school, so I suspect he wanted to nip her college ambitions in the bud because he didn't want her to get ideas about not needing him. Except I think he is really going to depend on her.

Re: TW: Abuse

[(Anonymous)]

Age differences don't bother me, though I think maturity counts a lot as well. I don't have a problem with a 17-year-old ending up with a 24-year-old, for example, as long as it just happened that way, and not because the 24-year-old has a hard-on for 17-year-olds.

That said... God help your poor, dumb friend.

She is an adult and it is her life, but holy shit. What kind of happiness does she really expect to find with a guy who has no control over his own life? She'll never really be alone with him; she's entering a relationship with him and his guardian. The guy doesn't sound like he knows how to be in a relationship either and is just echoing what his guardian has done to him. I hope for your friend's sake she ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuns.

Re: TW: Abuse

[(Anonymous)]

I hope she does too. From her talk, I get the impression that this is someone who thinks that trying to control someone is showing that you care--how should he think otherwise, when his only role models are people who have controlled him and boxed him in, in one way and another? (Shades of my mom, who would say "I can't help it, it's because I love you so much, if anything happened to you I couldn't live," so she'd want me to promise I'd never do this or that thing she thought was terribly dangerous, that everybody else does every day, like go outside at night.)

But when the guy gave this kid a ring, she was over the moon--how do you tell someone who's really happy (and doesn't have many things to be happy about) that she shouldn't be happy?

I just want to shake her and yell at her, but lecturing someone about how their SO is bad for them is arrogant and never does any good. Also, it is not like I've made such a fantastic job of my not particularly brilliant life that I have room to talk. Maybe they will be good for each other, even if it seems to me the odds are against it.