fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3674 ]

[ SECRET POST #3674 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3673 ⌋

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I need advice about completely changing my life. I currently live with my mother. I am asexual and have no interest in pursuing a relationship so that isn't a problem for me. However, I am best friends with my sister who lives in the same town.

She is in a pretty serious relationship and is thinking of moving to a city two hours away. She has made some comments about wanting me to move with her (as I said, we are best friends). There in lies the problem.

I am working a well paying ($13.50/hour) but dead end job at a small business. It has no benefits (no insurance, time off, sick days, etc) but it is a job I'd never lose. I don't particularly like it and I worry that the physical labor will not be something I can my whole life. The only great thing about it is that I can listen to podcasts and such during work.

The city she is moving to is much larger and would have better opportunities.

However, I am worried with trying to find a job in what may soon be a uncertain time in the economy.

AND I am worried about leaving my mom trying to pay rent and such herself. She would not be able to afford the house we have by herself. So she'd probably have to find a new place to live.

If she moves, maybe you can join her a bit later after you've saved up some money and talked to your mother?

I have money saved to put towards a move and my sister (and her boyfriend) want me to be a roommate.

Don't you want to get out from your family and live on your own? Nothing wrong with living near or being best friends, but I think there is a lot to be gained by breaking out on your own.

Re: Advice Thread

diet_poison - 2017-01-25 00:49 (UTC) - Expand

1. That doesn't sound like a very good job.
2. Decide if you'd want to do it if nothing else was a factor.
3. If yes, see if there are jobs there.
4. Talk to your mom. Maybe she'd welcome a smaller place. Maybe she feels like she really needs you. Maybe there are compromises. You won't know until you ask.

Start applying/searching for jobs now. There's no commitment to taking one, even after an interview, but it'll give you a better feel for what you're in for.

Would it be possible for your mom to rent out a room? But honestly, your mom can't expect you to live there forever. It's unreasonable, and not always healthy.

It sounds like you might have nothing to lose, either way. Go for it, and if you crash and burn just move back to your old job with your old house. *shrug*

I'm not sure there is ever such a thing as a time of complete certainty when it comes to the economy and job security. Even if things are going well overall, that doesn't mean a specific job or industry will do well and vice-versa.

This is just me talking, but I don't think I could handle a job for the entirety of my working years if it didn't provide some intellectual stimulation, periodic changes, or room for advancement/change. You also have to consider if you can save for retirement on this and afford health insurance when you are older and more likely to need it (if not now).

Anyway, it sounds like you need to talk to your mom first to make sure you aren't leaving her in the lurch if you move out. You don't have to stay just because she wants you to (although, I notice you say nothing about whether she likes your current living arrangement) but you two could come up with a plan for her if you do move out.

Next, really investigate jobs in this other city. What's available? Like someone else said, start applying for things and see what you can find.

Should I wait to apply since my sister isn't planning to move until May?

NAYRT

Depends on the job posting. If they say they're hiring immediately or have a date, don't apply. If they have not start date go for it. Make sure to mention in your cover letter that you're planning to move and the proposed dates of said move.

Should also say, my mom doesn't mind the living arrangements. We sort of stay out of eachother's way.

I sort of mentioned to her and she sort of guilted me about it. But then she said she would understand if I moved.

I've seen a few different people say that they're still living with their parents, then mention they're asexual so it's not a big deal. As an asexual person myself, i honestly do not see the connection. Moving in with a significant other, or dating, has nothing to do with independence or where you live. I don't mean to pick on you, I've just seen that concept spoken about several times here and I'm so baffled by it.

I think a lot of people just assume that a motivator to live on your own is being in a relationship, and in truth it can be. Sometimes financially it's easier if you are living with either relatives or a significant other so when someone is asexual living with their parents might be the most reasonable option.

I don't date and live on my own, and if things ever got financially bad enough my best option would probably be living with my parents.

I like living with my mom because it helps her be less lonely. But people ask how I can tolerate it, and when they say that they always bring up, "Does she just not care when you bring men home?" Or, "What's going to happen if you meet someone you like?" Like that's the only part of it that matters. Never is my own independence, my desire to be and do only for myself, brought into the conversation. It always sex. So, bringing up "and I'm asexual" cuts off that awkward back and forth before it can start. Online, at least. I never admit I'm asexual to anyone in person because that immediately opens up the whole "what's broken in you" conversation, which is fucking insulting.

Edited 2017-01-24 01:13 (UTC)

+1

To be frank, all of this seems like it should be pretty obvious. I'm a bit surprised that it apparently isn't. I guess to an ace person who is living with their parent(s), the reasons for Why It Works are fairly obvious - whereas an ace person who hasn't lived with their parents long-term as an adult hasn't had the Why It Works experience and perhaps has only had the Why It Wouldn't Work experience?

re: the last bit, spending so much time in places like this I honestly forget how shitty people IRL can be about asexuality :/ that just sounds awful

I've wondered about this a bit and I assume it's mostly just to pre-emptively deter comments about how you'll just want to move out to have a relationship anyway.

Still, it's not like your only options are living with your parents or living with a romantic partner. Roommates who are just your friends or some rando you live with are a thing, and living alone isn't always just automatically unaffordable. Also, asexual doesn't necessarily mean completely opposed to any kind of a life partner, so I guess I raise an eyebrow a bit at the implication that "asexual" is shorthand for "No domestic relationship will ever happen, therefore this living arrangement will never cramp my style."

I don't get it, either. I'm asexual and live alone, and can't imagine living with my parents as an adult. Having my own space, independence, freedom and privacy is important to me, and my sexuality doesn't negate that.

Independence has nothing to do with the matter. I'm a very independent person, and I have a lot of freedom and privacy living with my father. We're two adults that live together. We don't impinge on each other's freedom. It's like having a roommate, but a roommate I happen to love dearly.

It's about being able to have sex in one's home without it being uncomfortable for either party. I have no desire to have sex in my home, or at all, so there's no problem. But if I did wish to have sex in my home without it being uncomfortable, then living in a small apartment with my father would certainly cause problems.

I absolutely love living with my father, he's my best friend. But if I were interested in having sex (whether it be casual sex or a relationship) I'm not sure I could keep living with him. Having sex that close to my dad would just be...weird for me, and undoubtedly super weird for my partner. And hell, probably pretty weird for my dad, too. And I mean, my dad is very sex positive, so it wouldn't even be that he'd have a problem with it. But it would still just be really weird, and would definitely cramp our style.

There are advantages and disadvantages to both I can see, so it's probably going to come down to what you really want to do?

I mean, cities do have more opportunity but they also have more competition and are more expensive to live in. Your sister may be your best friend, but if she is eventually going to marry the person she is with she may eventually not want you to live with them. I would look at this city move like it could be a temporary situation, so be prepared for that.

On the other hand if you're not happy with your job and you're looking forward to new experiences, this could be the right move. Definitely talk to your Mother about it, if she relies on your income you may need to work out some sort of plan.

Oh no, her boyfriend suggested they get someone else to live with them (and suggested me).

Yeah but in my experience with that is still that'll be a temporary situation... they may need someone else for now to help with bills but eventually they may get higher paying jobs or decide to move somewhere cheaper.

I've known some married couples to have room mates but it's usually a very... very temporary situation.

That's not to say you shouldn't move in with them, but moving in with couples always means an eventual move out.

Just because he suggested it doesn't mean it will work out well in real life, though. All three of you should have a frank discussion about your plans, including back up plans for in case your living arrangement doesn't work out. You don't want to be stranded in the new city and struggling to find a place on your own.

Well, seems like there are two issues here:

1) Worrying about your prospects is smart, but worrying without actually checking to see if your fears are justified is a bit silly. Start looking for a job in the new city. If you find a good one, hooray! If you don't, well, it's still better than not knowing where you stand, employment wise.

2) It's good to be concerned about your mother, but you're not obligated to be her roommate for life just so she can afford a larger living space. If you're on good terms, speak up and let her know you're considering this plan so at least she has a heads up. She may want to take on a housemate herself, or find a place to live that fits her budget.

It sounds like a good opportunity if it's something that interests you. Definitely start looking at jobs now - it doesn't hurt to look!

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[ SECRET POST #3674 ]

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