[ SECRET POST #3710 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3710 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.



__________________________________________________



02.
[Glee, Mark Salling]


__________________________________________________



03.
[Pokémon/Pokémon TCG]


__________________________________________________



04.
[Scandinavia and the World]


__________________________________________________



05.
[Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, "Hushabye Mountain"]


__________________________________________________



06.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation, Crusher/Picard]


__________________________________________________



07.
(Fight Club)











Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 14 secrets from Secret Submission Post #530.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Relationship vent

[(Anonymous)]

lately my SO has stopped initiating sex. When I initiate sex, half the time it feels like they're doing it just placate me. Not to mention often I'll ask if they want to have sex, and they "yeah let me just do ___ first" and then get distracted browsing the internet or something, and I'm too embarrassed to ask again.

They are under stress right now from work and I've been trying to help and support them, but I am feeling like they in general aren't paying as much attention to me as they used to, even though they've been staying at my place most of the time, not just sexually (though sex is important to me). They mostly seem to sleep and eat here at this point, not do anything with me. I don't know how to express that though without sounding whiny and inconsiderate of the stress they're under though.

It doesn't held that I've gained like 20 pounds in the last couple months and my self esteem is super low. Like, I can't help but feel maybe they just aren't attracted to me anymore.

Bleh.

Re: Relationship vent

[(Anonymous)]

Sounds more like they're depressed, anon.

Re: Relationship vent

[(Anonymous)]

They are a bit - we both deal with depression. I try and help them with that the best I can too. But right now they are having a hard time specifically with their job, which is making them depressed - and there is only so much I can do about that.

Re: Relationship vent

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, but my point is it may not be anything about you but that they've hit a really bad rut in that depression and they're just plain lacking energy/motivation for a lot of things they used to enjoy. Talk to them, but I imagine this might be the answer you're facing, which you may have to steel yourself for. Either way, reading this, it sounds like some low self-esteem is leading you to worry it's you when it's probably not.

Re: Relationship vent

[(Anonymous)]

Talk to your SO, anon. It's they only way to feel better about any of this.

Let them know how you feel. Say you know that they're stressed at the moment and that you want to support them through that. But let them know that sex is an important part of the relationship for you and that you've been feeling a bit rejected recently, even if your SO doesn't intend that. Also let them know that you've been feeling insecure about your weight gain, and that's been feeding into this worry.

I think you guys can compromise about this. Maybe you could see each other less during the week, but have those times be designated date nights where you concentrate on reconnecting with each other. Also, you might agree to focus on eating healthily and exercising together - it would probably help your SO deal with their work stress as well as make you feel less worried about your body image.

Re: Relationship vent

[(Anonymous)]

One thing that I found when I had a similar-ish situation, are you asking and then waiting around/killing time until he says yes? Because we'd get into territory where we'd agree to sex then an hour later when 'just this one thing' was finished it was too awkward to bring up again. Now we go "I'm going to the bedroom to have sex, I'd love if you came in and we had sex together, but if not, enjoy whatever you're doing!" and go in and yup, either have a good wank or have sex. It removed the awkward hazy social thing that surrounds "We should get together sometime soon" "We sure should!" "......." "........" to "We should get together sometime soon. I'm going to the movies on Tuesday, are you free then?"

Also it sounds like more than sex you want them to start initiating affection, so if they're stressed and not in the mood for sex at all, are there other things they can do to show that they're still interested and emotionally invested?

I can understand not wanting to vomit your emotional insecurities on them while they're dealing with a lot, but this is work stress, not a death in the family, but if they love you they should want you happy and it's kind of a dick thing to make them unintentionally hurt you by not telling them they're hurting you. It may be awkward and unpleasant, but it's not healthy to make a habit of avoiding relationship issues because you're afraid of them.

I mean alternatively if this is a really short term thing with a clear end, or something unusual, it's a different situation and solution. "My SO is dying of cancer and I'm also suffering and I can't ask them to support me." means finding outside support groups, etc (and never means 'your emotions and needs are stupid). But "My SO ignores me emotionally when they're not enjoying work." isn't on the same level.

I mean my SO knows that the last day or two of a Big Project I'm going to be burnt out and exhausted and not up for anything besides working or being a couch lump. He accepts this, and it's something that only happens a few times a year and the rest of the time I have/make time for him. If I was constantly having work take all my time and energy so I had nothing left for him it would be a huge problem.