fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3730 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3730 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Movie: 8Uppers, Actor/Singer: Nishikido Ryo]

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03.

[Psych, Shawn/Jules]

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[Gentlemen Prefer Blondes]

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05.

[Yuri on Ice]

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[Irish comedian Ed Byrne and the Great British Bake Off]

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07.

[Pokemon B/W]

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08.

[Overwatch]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 28 secrets from Secret Submission Post #533.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

OP here; I think it's a good trait in lots of ways, but as someone pointed out above sometimes real fairness means calling out shitty people and acknowledging wrongs. There are times when insisting on giving each side equal weight makes you a bit of an asshole.

Again, it's mostly a good habit--I think that's what makes it so hard to recognize/modify.

AYRT

Yeah I get that. I can relate to the nonconfrontational bit too. I've had way too much conflict in my life, I ain't got time for it now. So I try to make two warring parties stop, by telling each the other's side, as I see it. I do this with coworkers, friends, family. I guess I need to stop....

Mm, yeah, I think that's... not great. Most people in confrontation aren't in a good emotional place to hear a tertiary party go "but actually." I used to do it too, until more than one person was like "jfc that is really fucking aggravating and you need to stop."

If you want to remain non-confrontational (which is fine), the better option is to remove yourself from the situation entirely rather than to try to mediate it.

Yeah, you probably should. It's cool to not want conflict in your life, but you don't have the right to tell other people they can't disagree or hash things out for themselves. Especially if nobody's asked you to mediate the disagreement.

The problem with self-appointed Peacemakers is that they tend to frame their actions as being good and helpful even if they're unsolicited. But frankly, I see such people as well-meaning busybodies at best. At worst, you're meddling in a very condescending way because:

1) you assume that "two warring parties" need you to negotiate a truce for them and will welcome your interference.
2) you dislike confrontation, but instead of doing the sensible thing and removing yourself from the situation, you're trying to bend everyone else to conform to YOUR views, i.e. conflict is bad and we should avoid it at all costs.

If they ask for your help, then dive in! But if nobody's asked you, then butt out.

I agree with this is most cases (and I am usually the type to stay out of it). However, I think some people probably have circumstances where attempting to appoint themselves peacemaker is very understandable.

For example, my mother and her SO are both incredibly passive-aggressive people, and they fight a lot. I often visit them for a couple of weeks at Christmas, and they frequently have their incredibly passive-aggressive fights while we're having dinner, or while I'm reading at the kitchen table or whatever. So I get to sit there while they deliberately refuse to understand each other, escalate things inappropriately, and eventually one of them storms off, either swearing (if it's him) or in tears (if it's her).

I, meanwhile, am a very direct person. And every once in a while I just get so sick of their shit that I go, "He's saying A, and you're saying B, but the issue is actually X, and your choices are Y and Z." This almost never goes over well, but honestly, they can shove it. If they didn't want me to participate, they could have left the god damn room.

If they didn't want me to participate, they could have left the god damn room.

And there's your fallacy. You could have left the room. Obviously your mediating doesn't work in the long-term if this is a constant problem, it just puts everyone further on edge and makes everybody angrier.

The hardest part of growing up is realizing that people fuck up their lives all the time, and you have to let them. It's not your responsibility, it's not your business. It's theirs.

The thing is, they would never be so rude as to fight that way in front of any other guests in their home. But I'm their child and so in their mind I don't count. Regardless of the fact that I haven't been a child in a very long time.

So no, I'm not going to play the "You're being incredibly rude but I'll just inconvenience myself for the fifth time in two days so that you guys don't have to consider me at all" game with them. Particularly as whenever I'm arguing with either of them, the other never even considers keeping their opinion to themselves.

Frankly, I spent a lot of my younger years keeping silent and pretending that I wasn't aware they were arguing angrily across the mashed potatoes. Then I became an adult and realized that keeping silent never helped any more than speaking up would've, all it did was reinforce their perception that my voice and my presence could be silenced, disregarded, or summoned at their will.

SA

Point being, I don't really care that my mediating doesn't work. I wouldn't even call it mediating, personally. Because it's not really about mediating. It's about being present and not helping others to treat you as though you're not.

But as long as the people around me don't make an ongoing habit of standing on either side of me and fighting with each other, I'm very content to stay out of it.

[ SECRET POST #3730 ]

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