Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2017-08-09 07:12 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2017-08-09 07:12 pm
[ SECRET POST #3971 ]
⌈ Secret Post #3871 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
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[Orphan Black]
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[ Dota 2 Esport ]
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[George R.R. Martin]
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[Black Books]
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Notes:
Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 14 secrets from Secret Submission Post #554.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2017-08-10 05:31 am (UTC)(link)I think there's two really general elements that determine whether people are interested in us or not. One is who we are. The other is who they are.
If a specific person isn't interested in me, that may well be because I'm just not someone they jibe with. But if nobody is interested in me, it's far more likely something to do with who I am, since I am the common denominator in the situation.
I find it hard to see that as "assigning blame." It just strikes me as having a basic awareness of reality.
or with suggesting that a lack of romantic success impinges on your worth as a person.
Okay, definitely not what I was saying. At all. You seem to be conflating "personal qualities" with "worth as a person," which are distinctly different things in my mind. Then, you also seem to be confusing the cause and effect in my comment. I'm saying "You're qualities as a person effect your romantic success." You're responding as though I were saying, "Your lack of romantic success makes you worth less as a person." Those are just so, so different.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2017-08-10 05:46 am (UTC)(link)I'm extrapolating somewhat from there, I admit it. But at the point where people who are single have personalities that are unappealing, boring, or unpleasant, it's hard to see how that wouldn't reflect on your worth more generally.
To put it another way: if it's basically the case that your qualities as a person affect your romantic success, then wouldn't romantic failure reflect on your qualities as a person?
I don't think that's the case and I think it's a lot more complicated in terms of who people are and how they approach the world and themselves and all of that, is that point that I'm making. Not just a question of whether your personality is appealing or unappealing.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2017-08-10 06:13 am (UTC)(link)If you don't have any romantic success, and you think it's impossible that you will ever have any, then I think it's very likely that either A) you are profoundly depressed to the point that your perception of your own reality is very inaccurate, OR B) you are sabotaging yourself in some way, OR C) there is something (more than just looks) about you that puts people off.
if it's basically the case that your qualities as a person affect your romantic success, then wouldn't romantic failure reflect on your qualities as a person?
Honestly, all of our human endeavors, whether failed or successful, reflect on our qualities as people. That's just...how it works. But does failing romantically indicate that we possess bad qualities? Not generally, not usually, no. However, if one finds oneself completely un-fanciable to everyone they've ever met...then either their perception of other's interest is very flawed, or there's something about them that's putting people off.
I will say, though, that I think the most likely reality, in OP's case, is that their perception of reality is skewed, heavily and inaccurately, in the direction of pessimism about their own romantic prospects.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2017-08-10 05:02 pm (UTC)(link)The thing about romantic partnerships is that it's not about whether you objectively possess good qualities but whether your particular qualities mesh with the particular qualities of a specific other individual. Since no one can be appealing to everyone, finding someone you mesh with is going to come down to luck.
A person seeking a job can apply for 10 different jobs and get rejected for all of them, and while it could mean that person isn't appealing as an employee or is going about the job-seeking process in a poor way, it could also mean that person is facing very stiff competition or that none of those 10 jobs were a great fit for the person's skills and personality. If those were the first 10 jobs they came across that seemed worth a shot, you can't really blame them for trying. It's just bad luck that they haven't been able to find an opening somewhere yet that would work better and they have a decent chance at getting.
Similarly, a person could hit on or date 10 people and get rejected by all of them, but that just may be because none of those 10 combinations generated any spark. Two people who look compatible on paper can sit down and be nice and interesting at each other and smile a lot and do everything right, and there still might not be any chemistry. It's luck that you meet someone you could be in a relationship with. You can increase your chances by trying to meet more people, but it's still luck in the end.
SA
(Anonymous) 2017-08-10 05:57 am (UTC)(link)Also, it bears saying that loneliness is inevitable. We all struggle with it. And almost everyone spends some amount of time single and wishing they could find someone.
A person being lonely tells you nothing about them but that they're human and that they're lonely. But someone saying they don't believe anyone could ever want to be with them - that's a different issue altogether.