[ SECRET POST #3885 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3885 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 24 secrets from Secret Submission Post #555.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Man, I'd love some more information about this, because so far it sounds like a massive failure to communicate on both of your parts. Does he know about those experiences that make you not want to be touched? Is there a way to give him a heads-up before he gets cuddly that you're having a day like that? Does he actually say that he feels like you don't love him anymore or is that what you're getting from his grumpiness? Does he communicate why he feels that he needs the intimacy right then and there or does he just pour it on then act offended if you decline? These are all really important questions to figure out.

[syncing_feeling]

Yeah he knows, I told him about it not too long after we got together because I knew it was bound to come up at some point, the guy who did it lives close by and we see him around pretty regularly. He knows all about it but he's admitted himself that he's not a hugely sentimental/emotional person (he has a sort of 'build a bridge and get over it' attitude), so I think it's hard for him to imagine how something sticks with you like that.

The affectionate thing sort of comes and goes, some days he'll be super quiet/not cuddly at all, then other days he comes back from work and grabs me and doesn't want to let go, then seems hurt when I say I'm not feeling it. Basically I do communicate it/why I'm feeling like that but I'm not sure it 'clicks' with him, if that makes sense?

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, that makes sense. So it does still sound like a failure to communicate in general, but mostly because he's too set in his own ways to think about things from another vantage point. Does that extend to other parts of your relationship, or is it mostly just the intimacy thing? Would it be at all helpful to have a conversation (at a neutral time, when you're feeling okay and he's not being too over-affectionate) about how the fact that he's not trying to see your point of view without tinting it with his own is hurting you? It may put him on the defensive, admittedly.

[syncing_feeling]

We're pretty good in most other respects, this is the main issue that I can't seem to get him to understand. On top of everything else I'm his first partner, so I can see how it could be weird for him to suddenly have to deal with someone else's trauma/issues so intimately. I've come with more baggage than he probably imagined his first relationship having, haha. It's new territory for him so I'm trying to work with him. We have spoken about my discomfort thing before but I think I'll have to sit down with him tomorrow and go over it again in more depth.

Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it. x

[(Anonymous)]

I hope it works out, I really do. ♥ I hope he's open to discussion; that can always be a hurdle for some people. But if he means it, he'll keep working. It may not be an overnight change, of course, but baby steps always count. Keep us updated!

[skeletal_history]

"(he has a sort of 'build a bridge and get over it' attitude)"

Super easy for him to say when he's never experienced any major trauma, isn't it?

I'm really mad on your behalf.

[syncing_feeling]

Thanks. This is so hard to put into words, like I really don't think this is coming from a place of any malice or deliberate insensitivity, it's like he just honestly doesn't understand why it has such a long-lasting effect. He might as well be saying "does not compute!" But he's someone who's never been in a relationship and I'm someone who's got a lot of family/relationship trauma and baggage and I just don't think he knows how to react to it properly.