fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #4007 ]

[ SECRET POST #4007 ]

⌈ Secret Post #4007 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

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[Pokémon USUM]

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03.

[Moby]

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04.

[Brooklyn 99, Gina Linetti]

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05.

[Guardians of the Galaxy franchise]

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06.

[Illusion of Gaia]

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07.

[Stranger Things]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 45 secrets from Secret Submission Post #574.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Well, first off, no it's not better to not talk to anyone at all. That will seriously fuck you up long-term. I would know, I spent a little while as a NEET/hikikomori when shit got really bad and that's not a road you want to go down. I do think this sounds pretty serious and it's the kind of thing you should be working with a therapist about, but I'm guessing this isn't an option?

To start with I think you need to figure out whether or not you're actually being manipulative. Or rather, figure out whether you're being overly self-motivated/'maliciously manipulative' vs. healthily self-motivated.

Like, to use one of your examples, uh, let me try to format this in a way that makes sense....

----When you want to vent about a bad day----

(1)
Are you venting to someone who cares about your well-being, who is interested in hearing about it and/or willing to listen to you vent for a while?
-OR-
Are you off-loading on someone who doesn't care about your well-being, or someone who doesn't want to hear your complaints? Are you strong-arming someone into listening by attempting to make them feel guilty or by score keeping? ("I listened to you when your cat died, so you should listen to me about my crappy day.")

(2)
When you're listing your complaints, are you mentally processing things in a 'good' (healthy, productive, non-disordered) way?
~For example: "Man, everything went wrong today. I forgot to set my alarm so I was late to work and my boss was pissed when I got in. Things were tense all day. And then my dad called this evening freaking out about Xmas. I'm so stressed, I don't know what to do!"
-OR-
Are your complaints the product of disordered thought patterns? Are they paranoid, narcissistic, anxious, etc?
~For example: "My alarm didn't go off (avoiding responsibility) and like usual my fuckface roommate didn't wake me up! (transferring blame) My boss screamed and yelled at me for hours, she hates me, she even said I should just kill myself. (lying for validation) Then my dad called, it's the same bullshit with the 'rents as usual. They're always trying to sabotage my holidays." (paranoia)

(3)
Are you taking responsibility for your own thoughts, actions, and feelings? (When you complain, you understand that the other person is only there to listen and maybe offer advice or comforting words. You understand and accept that the person may have a different perspective on the situation than you, like being unsympathetic.)
-OR-
Are you trying to push responsibility of your thoughts, actions, and feelings on the listener? (You expect an unreasonable degree praise and comfort. Advice or criticism makes you angry. You demand validation for your feelings, thoughts, and actions. You demand the listener condemn the "villains" in your story.)

If you don't know the answer to one of these categories, that's something to work on. Like, if you don't know whether your friend wants to listen to your complaints or not, why don't you know? Is it a problem of not reading nonverbal communication, or just bad communication in general? What steps can you take to find the answer to that category?

----

If you feel like you're being manipulative, look at your interactions. Write down what happened, and break it down into a script. Think critically about the things you said and did. If the interaction made you feel bad, figure out why. What factors made it negative, and how can you change them.

You also need to keep in mind that some level of selfishness is good. A healthy relationship has give and take. You ask a coworker a question, and tomorrow they ask you for help on a project. A friend lends an ear, and next week you listen to them when they have a bad day. Wanting things for yourself is healthy.

If your self-worth is so low that you feel like you aren't allowed to have or want things, then it might help to think of it in terms of your friends or even some stranger you don't know. Is your friend being bad when they ask a question? Is a stranger being manipulative if they do x thing? You should also look at self-affirmation type stuff if this is the problem.

Thank you.. sorry to be late to reply I just crashed at midnight , got some sleep and all of the sudden now I am W I R E D.

This is all very helpful . I think self affirmation stuff would work as well as talking out my issues with a therapist.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #4007 ]

Re: How do you stop..

Re: How do you stop..