fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #4572 ]

[ SECRET POST #4572 ]

⌈ Secret Post #4572 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Zilverpijl / Silver Arrow]

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[Taskmaster series 8, Lou Sanders]

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[Spider-Man: Homecoming]

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[British gardener and presenter Monty Don, Big Dreams, Small Spaces]

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[Good Omens]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 43 secrets from Secret Submission Post #655.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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My 83 year old dad has had a number of infections following cancer surgery which has had him hospitalized four times in the past three months.

The worst part is how it's affecting him pscyhologically. He's been depressed since his brother's suicide five years ago but has always refused therapy. Now, he's a thousand times worse.

He is mean to my mom and completely in denial about his health. He has home visits five times per day (to help him dress, shower and eat) and insists that he doesn't need it, that mom can help him everything he needs (which she can't.)

The worst part is how it's affecting my mom. She's basically his nursemaid and gets shit for it all the time. (He accuses her of being bossy and babying him.)

When I was there for a couple of days this week mom and I had thai food and pizza, and she said she never gets to eat that when he is home (because he just wants plain food without any spices.)

We saw an airplane take off and she said that she longs to travel, but can't, because dad refuses.

He just wants to sit in his armchair and complain, which he's earned for living to 83 I guess.

Mom is 10 years younger and in perfect mental and physical health and it kills me that she's losing the best years of her life.

She's even admitted to me that she plans for a life after his death and that if she had known it would get this bad she wouldn't have married him.

To be honest, I feel it would be best for her (and for him) if he died soon or got put in a home.

He was a very good father during my childhood and I'm very happy I got to spend many happy years with him. It's just frustrating to see the man he's become.

My sympathies. :( Is there anyone he'd be more likely to listen to in terms of a come to Jesus type talk? It's probably a lot to ask for someone his age, but you're right, he's not in a good place and he's taking it out on your mom. Might be time to look into assisted living.

TBH that person is probably me. I should call him more often. Assisted living would probably be good for both of them.

Good luck if you decide to go that route. My dad is a widower and in poor health himself, and extremely stubborn about how well he can manage on his own. We're getting closer to that day when he won't be able to manage his daily affairs and it's going to be rough, so I feel you.

I bet part of your dad's stubbornness is not wanting to admit that this is a burden on your mother. I don't know what their relationship was like before, but maybe it'd help to frame it like that - she deserves to have a life outside the home. I hope she does travel, with or without him.

Oh I'm sorry to hear that. And if he doesn't have a spouse he's even more vulnerable. Best of luck to you.

I think you're right - I know he doesn't want to admit to himself that he can't manage, but I hadn't thought of him being in denial about mom not being up for it.

He is, indeed. My mom died last year and nobody saw it coming. He's doing well, all things considered. But his health has never been great and he's not good about sticking to his diet, etc. My siblings and I have to keep a close eye on him.

It works on several levels... If he can downplay his condition, then he can continue to deny his own mortality, and put the burden on your mother for supposedly making a big deal about nothing. If he acknowledged that he needs a lot of help - more help than family can provide, he'd have to admit that he's losing autonomy...that's scary for anyone, much less an old school guy who's used to being in control.

Have they looked into adult care? Or honestly...a divorce? If she isn't happy with him, she isn't happy. And it would really suck if she loses the opportunity to live our her golden years.

I don't think divorce is in her cards, she's an old-school religious type and she does still love him somehow. (He was good to her for 45 years before this.) Assisted living would probably be great, if he agrees to it. He was really confused during this last hospital visit and agreed to a lot of things (according to the journal) that he has no memory of agreeing to. But he's not incompetent enough to be declared incompetent. :/

I'm sorry, for both you and her. Honestly...I don't blame her for having plans after his death.

Yeah, me neither. She's a social butterfly and would do well as a widow, as macabre as that sounds.

Not macabre at all, it's a good thing. I don't even know your mom, but I think it's a positive thing that she'd be able to manage on her own and still be happy.

I'm very sorry to hear this, anon. I guess he's hanging on to whatever control he's got, but it's rough on everyone else around him, especially your mum.

I'm having similar issues, though less extreme, with my own mum, with the added bonus that I'm disabled, single, and live close to her. So I've been positioned by my bossy sister as the go-to person to issue orders to (which I stonewall, obv.) I've been consistently ill for the last few months; it's not sustainable.

Last week I went to my mother's GP and said, "I don't want to pry about her medical conditions, that's not what I'm here for. I do want to ask you to have that come-to-Jesus talk with her about what she needs to do, because she won't listen to me." Could you do that sort of thing, for either your father or your mum? Just to get the ball rolling.

Oh, and I'm going overseas for a month soon. I will not expend all of my small store of energy on being my mother's carer and go-to person for the family. We all get one life each.

I'm sorry you've been feeling sick. You are right to refuse to be dragged into the carer-role, your own health comes first. I hope you have a great vacation!

I'm so sorry, that must be so hard for you and especially my mother!

My father isn't quite as bad (yet) - I mean, he's also 20 years younger than yours, but I can totally see that development in the future. He's already a big hypochondriac and also wants to sit at home or just go for a walk with my mother. He's always complaining when she does something without him and she fully admits that the trips she sometimes takes with her friends (that she's always loath to tell my father about) are about getting away from his clinginess for at least a weekend from time to time.
Doesn't help that his mother, the last grandma I have, has become absolutely NASTY in the last few years. It's like looking into the future. :/

I live in the same house with them and it's gotten worse over the years. I was probably one of the very few kids that actually WANTED their parents to divorce.

It's really common and really sad, but a lot of men (older men in particular) don't have much of a life outside of work and their spouse, so when they retire, they have nothing to do. No real friends, no meaningful hobbies, etc. so they can get clingy and their world gets very small and narrow. If you can, encourage your father to pursue some interests separate from your mom, preferably outside of the house. He'll be less of a anxiety-ridden crank if he has other things to occupy his time.

Thank you!

I fear his only interest lies in self-help/homeopathy books and complaining about stuff. :/ It's even hard to find Christmas/birthday gifts for him now cause even if I get something that's technically in his wheelhouse (books about trains, CDs, stuff from his favorite comedians) it just... never really gets used/read after the initial (and genuine) "Oh, cool!"

I do think that my father would benefit from therapy (anxiety and also depression maybe) with REAL meds (I went to a psychiatric hospital for almost three months a few years back, so I'm not just talking out of my ass), but he refuses. One of his doctors actually recommends him to go to a health resort, buuuuuuut my father also refuses to go to one that's to far away (he has been to several over the years, but they were close by aka he hung around several days a week at home regardless AKA it was less than useless). Blergh. He really is still a nice person and very much on the whiny side of the spectrum instead of nasty yet, but really... I look at his mother now and shudder.

I really wish I had the means to move out (but if I had, I'd probably constantly feel bad for leaving my mother alone with all the whining). :/

Hell, go ahead and point out that he's slowly turning into his own mother. Nobody likes to hear that, but I bet he probably doesn't think of himself that way. It might be a wake up call.

I get that. My dad was a BITCH when he was on the downhill. He was miserable being alive and the rest of us were miserable watching him be miserable, along with the effects of him claiming the title of County Queen Bitch. It was a relief for everyone, him included, when he died. It’s a nasty experience to go through, especially since before he got sick he was the pretty much the nicest guy you could hope to know.

Edited 2019-07-13 23:15 (UTC)

That happened to a close friend of mine when she started having mini-strokes. It hurt like hell the first time she lashed out at me. We patched up the friendship, on a lower level, before she died. I'm sorry you had to go through it with with father - that's a whole other level of awful.

I am so sorry. That's a shitty situation and I wish I could give you some sort of advice. hugs if you want them.

I am really sorry you're going through this.

My dad is the same age, and also having issues with his health, and I can see it being a strain on both him and my mother at times. She and I can help him with most things without needing a nurse, but it obviously is a strain on her. And she can't be away for too long because he's in a wheelchair and needs help going up or down the stairs. I'm sure he hates having to depend on other people too.

My mother said the other day, she'd rather die before ending up in his condition.

Super late to this post but you should talk with her about organising respite care. Even if you've all decided not to move him to an assisted living facility, there are programs that can take him temporarily so she can have a nice weekend away.

Respite care is really important for carers. I say this as someone who has a family caregiver. I make sure my family member sees friends and goes on trips and gets out to concerts and sports events. If your dad isn't as aware of the stress this is putting on your mother, she needs to be aware herself and not trapped in the house with him.

Honestly, needing a carer when you're used to being independent is pretty miserable too. He still needs purpose and social interaction, and choice and dignity in his care.

I would recommend you talk to an aged care advocate about options and any help available.

And I'm super late in replying. :-)

Thank you so much for this perspective, and good on you for looking out for your caregiver!

Respite care is definitely something that would help my mom a lot, we will look into it.

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