fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #4579 ]

[ SECRET POST #4579 ]

⌈ Secret Post #4579 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

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02.

[Vincenzo's Plate youtube channel]

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03.

[Terry Pratchett, Discworld]

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04.

[David Tennant in Good Omens]

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05.

[Black Mirror, "San Junipero"]

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06.

[Crazyhead]

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07.

[Love and Fortune]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 42 secrets from Secret Submission Post #656.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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Even OP has acknowledged that it's not healthy to want to dictate the time your partner spends with friends, and there's no evidence that the weekly lunch is romantic. It sounds like the only reason this is coming up now is because the partner used this friend as an example of someone attractive they both know. OP has been feeling down about their appearance and doesn't feel that they spend enough meaningful time with their partner. These are things that should be addressed, but not by projecting those problems on to a third person who isn't part of the relationship.

It creates a breakdown in healthy communication. Their partner feels attacked by OP's implication that they spend too much time with their friend, they dismiss what OP is saying, in the process OP feels hurt because the feelings that led to the conversation are real and they don't feel they're being heard or empathised with by their partner. The underlying issues can't be resolved in this state.

The problem is OP's husband's choice to bring these things up in response to OP's concerns, and OP's husband's apparent inability to hear and understand precisely what OP's concerns are. It's hurtful and it shows a lack of poor judgment to say that in that context.

I didn't say the husband was blameless at all. It was a poor response, and pretty insensitive! What I am saying is that the insecurity existed before he put his foot right in it. It's wonderful to have support from loved ones when you feel down about yourself, but relying on validation from other people isn't healthy and people aren't able to read minds and determine what insecurity they're supposed to be comforting someone about so expect disappointment.

When you ask a partner if they still find you attractive they probably will interpret that as - hey are you going to fuck other people now because my hair is thinning and I gained weight? - so yes. Sometimes they will answer with dumbass comments like "I wouldn't even fuck Rachel who's a 10/10 porno hottie because I love you". To some people that's the epitome of romance. OP married one of those people.

Some men are as good at knowing what you want to hear as your best friend is, but the majority are just not. I've seen this kind of fuck up many times. I'm sure I've probably done it to other people myself.

I've also been where OP is with illness making me look completely different and it is distressing and awful to not see what you expect to see when you look in the mirror. It takes time and work to feel confident with the new normal, but it's something that needs conscious effort.

If my comment was more directed at what OP needs to be doing, it's because OP was the one asking above. A good couples therapist can give the husband the right tools to unpack his fuck up and work on active listening.

OP

I appreciated your comment (s) as well as everyone else's.

When you ask a partner if they still find you attractive they probably will interpret that as - hey are you going to fuck other people now because my hair is thinning and I gained weight? - so yes. Sometimes they will answer with dumbass comments like "I wouldn't even fuck Rachel who's a 10/10 porno hottie because I love you". To some people that's the epitome of romance. OP married one of those people.

yeah i'm kind of surprised at the level of vitriol being leveled at the husband here because this is how i interpreted it too? op is insecure about their appearance, husband interpreted that to mean they were worried that his eyes might start wandering and he tried to reassure op that wouldn't happen by telling them that he is around someone who is really hot every day but he's not interested in them because he loves op. was it the most tactful response? probably not, but it's not hard to understand where it came from.

DA

I'd also keep in mind that the comments like "you're being stupid" could easily have come from a place where he felt attacked. While OP is trying to say how she feels, and sees that as expressing her thoughts, to him it may have parsed as OP basically accusing him of potentially having adulterous thoughts or cheating. If that really never entered his mind, he might have found the accusation shocking and reacted in response to that.

I know I'd be dumbfounded if my partner said something like that over me having lunch with a coworker, especially if they suddenly revealed insecurities I didn't realize they were having.

Now if he really is having those thoughts, saying something like that is terrible and gaslight-y. But if he's not, it may have been him being offended at the idea. It depends on what the situation is, and I dunno

The part that's problematic isn't him saying he has lunch with a coworker of the opposite sex; the part that's problematic is him telling his wife that he has lunch with a coworker of the opposite sex who's way hotter than her

It's really hard for me to think of a context where that's not screwed the eff up

da

Unless your social circle is incredibly limited it's normal to have friends who are better looking than your partner, and worse looking, and about the same. That's just life.

I don't know how you'd avoid it. Shun them? Make them wear paper bags on their heads lest you gaze upon their hotness directly and feel overcome with the urge to cheat?

Normal to HAVE friends who are good looking and perhaps better looking than your partner, sure. But that's not just what we're talking about here, and it's a bit weird you keep leaving the part out where he specifically brought up this person as an example to his less-hot wife when she's feeling self-conscious and unattractive, and oh yeah, he also has lunch with this hot co-worker once a week but can't be bothered to take his wife out even once in the last ten years.

That's not normal, it's pretty crappy.

Even if it's a fact, it's not necessarily one that's important to bring up in that specific context

Depends on how it's said?

"Mary at work is gorgeous but it's still you I want to be with" might sound like a romantic idea to some people.

You hear about wives telling their husbands that so and so's got dem six pack abs and chiseled jawline but it's their husband they want to be with, and that's seen as romantic like all the time.

We need more detail here, really

MTE.

If it was just that remark by itself, I'd say that maybe it came from a place of good intentions, but was very clumsily phrased. But when it's combined with this dude telling his wife that she's stupid... nah. That's more than just a man being a dummy with foot-in-mouth syndrome.

Seconding this entire comment very strongly. You give good advice, imo.

+2 - this and your above comments are well-written!

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