fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #4915 ]

[ SECRET POST #4915 ]

⌈ Secret Post #4915 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

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Member of a gaming group reported that a certain male player (outside our group) messages her often and she's uncomfortable with it.

did you tell him to stop? -no
did you ever tell him you were uncomfortable? -no
are you reporting this as harassment? -idk
do you want us to exclude this guy from group things? -no
do you want us as mods to tell him to stop as a third party? -no
what do you want us as mods to do? -nothing
would you consider blocking him? -no

...???

Was he like messaging her sexual stuff or just messaging her?

Just messaging for the most part. She said she just thinks she's lonely. Some flirty stuff which this guy is known to do ICly at every female character even those played by men, but nothing overtly sexual afaik

*She said she just thinks he's* lonely

Reporting harassment to the mods is good, but these answers are... frustrating. And a little annoying. Okay, you're uncomfortable. But can you like... do ANYTHING to help yourself? I know some will consider this victim blaming but jesus, come ON.

Right, like if she said "I'm uncomfortable, stop this" and he kept going, that's clear basis for telling him to shove off. Without that, what do you do about this

Well shit, even if she can't bring herself to tell him to stop, maybe at least give the mods the okay to step in? Or just... block him? I don't get what the point of reporting this is if you plan to do nothing and you don't want anything done on your behalf.

Yeah if she wanted us to do something I'd get it. This is just confusing because it was clearly big enough of an issue for her to bring it to mod attention but also she explicitly wants nothing done about it and won't do anything herself?

Maybe someone should just quietly tell him anyway.

Hard to do as she reported this anon.

If they know the guy who's doing it and they know this is a habit of his, why should her identity or lack thereof matter?

This is the only report we've got about this guy and the person when asked said she wanted us to do nothing about it

SA

Like idk what that message would be, "one of your many female friends is uncomfortable with you but we can't tell you who or what exactly you're doing, she'd like it if you stopped messaging her but she won't tell us who she is, or say anything to you"

Eh. If the guy is doing it to many female users, I think it's possible to say hey, it's come to our attention that you do this, please keep in mind this isn't a dating service and here are some tips on not making women feel uncomfortable?

He's not though. This is the only report we've had, most other female users think he's cool

Oh, I see. I misread what you said about him flirting with every female character. Though unless you've had positive feedback about him from all the other female users, I wouldn't assume lack of reports means he's not doing anything dodgy. Unfortunately, there's every chance that there are other women who feel uncomfortable, but haven't reported it.

Oh yeah the flirting is like "hi there pretty lady" not like "hay bb u wan sum fuk"

More socially acceptable, but the fact that he does it to every female character is slightly creepy. I'm not saying it's full on incel, but the internet is rife with guys like this who are lonely and see every female as a possible source of romantic and/or sexual fulfillment.

Unless he is doing it in character instead of OOC. I can see the hilarity behind a character that is a terrible flirt. Especially since no one else has a problem with it.

Original anon

Yeah it's IC. It's an awkward situation because several of the female RPers have, unprompted, explicitly given him praise for being a nice and funny guy who is fun to play with

Tough situation to be in. It's similar to The Office when Michael tried to do "Conflict Resolutions". Sometimes people just need to vent and move on. But it's good that she said something just in case things escalate, which hopefully they don't. It is super frustrating for the mods when members say they don't want you to do anything though. Guess you should respect her wishes and not do anything...maybe check up on her in a few days if you can?

Yeah she hasn't said anything more after that so we're sitting around waiting to see if something happens. Feels bad to not do anything but also if we do something there's a chance we make it worse

Whoever received the report should ask her to say in her own words what she wants done. I guess you did ask her that and she said "nothing." In which case, save it as a datapoint in case others also report similar things. A lot of creepers operate behind the scenes, where each person who gets creeped thinks they're the only one, because the creeper is good to other people. I am not saying this is definitely a creeper situation, but the chance it is, is why such datapoints should be taken into account.

See the Captain Awkward blog for more ideas.

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[ SECRET POST #4915 ]

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