[ SECRET POST #4972 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #4972 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 39 secrets from Secret Submission Post #712.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Re: What are some lessons fandom taught you that you applied in real life?

[(Anonymous)]

Just yesterday I was in a situation where I was unhappy with my friends, and today, after the whole thing had time to marinade in my brain, I was able to put my finger on what exactly had caused my frustration and my friends' complete lack of understanding why I would feel that way. I'm sure I have years of story analysis and character studies as well as plenty of ContraPoints and assorted youtubers to thank for that. I'm very proud that I managed to pinpoint the issue in what I feel is a very concise way.

(If you're interested: the problem was different interpretations of how integration into a group works. Imo, it's the job of the group to help an outsider who wants to join them; the group has to be proactive and do their best to make sure that integration works. And I live by that. I always keep an eye out for people who look like they might feel left out or are new, and I go out of my way to make them feel welcome and included.
I feel like my friends generally place more burden on the outsider who wants to join. They're going to give the newbie any help they ask for, but the newbie has to ask for it, and has to demonstrate his willingness and desire to participate and assimilate. After all, the group was just fine without him, and if the stranger wants to join, it's his job to make it happen, not theirs.
Yesterday, a situation was created where I was the outsider and became frustrated when I felt they were leaving me hanging. When I brought it up, they didn't get why I was unhappy, I should have just put some effort in, after all I'm a grown woman and I could have just dealt with it.
It sounds so simple and clean now, but I took a while to work through my emotions and the event itself until it became clear where the root of the problem was. Still don't know how to deal with this going forth – like, it's nice to understand it like this, what action do I take now? Hoping for more inspiration tomorrow.)

Re: What are some lessons fandom taught you that you applied in real life?

[(Anonymous)]

Is that a right or wrong answer thing though? I think that's just personalities at play. I am similar to you in that I try and include people. But i'be actually had people react badly to that a few times, they seemed to prefer having to work to get into the group.

Re: What are some lessons fandom taught you that you applied in real life?

[(Anonymous)]

First of all, thank you for reading and trying to help! That's really sweet of you.

If it was just yesterday's specific situation, then no. The problem is that it's part of a larger pattern that's starting to emerge where the group of friends keeps alienating and snubbing people without noticing. Their way of thinking about integration leads to a clique-y environment and complete disregard for those who are not currently in the group. Since there are several "versions" of the group with the same people at the center but different people in the periphery (like me), the keep creating situations similar to the one yesterday where they exclude those like me who generally consider themselves part of or at least close to the group but are not part of this particular version of it in this particular context. I know of at least two other situations where the group's thoughtlessness made someone genuinely angry, but those two people didn't say anything, and I know the group never even noticed it. And yesterday, when I confronted them when I was unhappy, they got defensive and told me it's my own fault. This isn't going to stop, and it's going to lead to more bad vibes in the bigger social environment. I don't want that.

I'm not going to confront them again – yesterday didn't go over too well and while I think that by the end of the night, I had managed to mend the worst of it, I'll tread carefully for a while – but I'll have to figure out just for myself whether I should just ignore that kind of behaviour (which doesn't sit right with me) or if not, what I should do on a smaller scale.

Re: What are some lessons fandom taught you that you applied in real life?

[(Anonymous)]

Okay reading more specifics of your situation I can see I was well off.

Tbh that does sound really shitty behaviour on their part nonny. I hope you manage to get through to them.

Re: What are some lessons fandom taught you that you applied in real life?

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you. I don't think there's an easy solution here (especially since there are still more factors to the confrontation yesterday I haven't mentioned), but we'll see.