Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2020-10-03 03:23 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2020-10-03 03:23 pm
[ SECRET POST #5020 ]
⌈ Secret Post #5020 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
01.
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02.
[Pokemon]
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03.
[jessica kellgren-fozard (youtuber)]
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04.
[Avatar: The Last Airbender]
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05.
[Raised by Wolves]
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06.
[Xenoblade Chronicles 2]
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07.
[Princess Weiyoung]
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08.
[Hades]
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09.
[Cookie Run]
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10.
[Kristen Bell and Dax Shepherd]
Notes:
Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 67 secrets from Secret Submission Post #719.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
Re: In Need of Advice?
(Anonymous) 2020-10-03 11:55 pm (UTC)(link)My best friend told me about his sister's marriage. Her husband has always been short tempered and one of those alpha male type of guys. He cheated on her and when she found out she ran off with their 2 kids for a few days. Their relationship is really tense now. To my understanding they live together and put on a united front to the public, but they don't share a bedroom anymore. He doesn't want to separate and has said he doesn't want to live if she's not with him. It got to a point where she grabbed his guns and hid them from him.
My best friend recently watched the new Netflix documentary American Murder: The Family Next Door and said he can see it happening to his sister.
It really worries me. I don't know what to do. My best friend and I are from a really patriarchal community. Add in his sister and her husband being Christian in a close knit community. Whenever she tells him she wants to leave him, he begins to threaten suicide. I worry that he will hurt himself or hurt others. He seems very capable of it.
There isn't a very strong support system she can rely on. She and I aren't very close. She and my older sister were close when they were teens but they haven't been close for well over a decade. My best friend isn't very close to his family overall, and it's hard for him to try to help since he lives in the east coast while his sister lives in the west coast.
He and I tell each other everything, and he said that his sister hasn't told anyone except her side of the family about the infidelity and private separation. My sister has hinted to me she knows something is going on between that marriage (my best friend's sister and my sister go to the same church), so I am assuming that it's an open secret. I didn't tell my sister anything because my best friend asked me not to tell anyone. He didn't tell his sister he told me, so I feel weird walking in and nosing in on her business.
I've been thinking of anonymously sending her a copy of "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them" by Dr Susan Forward and Joan Torres. Add in a note stating that I wish her the best and wanted to recc her a book that might help her. I don't know if I am overstepping any boundaries, or how she would react if she were to get such a gift? Should I just leave things be? Ask my best friend to give her the book?
Sorry this is so long and sorry if it's ranty and doesn't make sense.
Re: In Need of Advice?
(Anonymous) 2020-10-04 12:42 am (UTC)(link)She needs to create an exit plan by calling a domestic violence hotline and finding shelter. Get all her important docs, the kids important docs, everything out of there without him finding out. Secure her money if she can. If she can legally take the guns, she should. Or else report to the police he is suicidal and has guns after she leaves. Once she's gone, then she can file for divorce. The bible allows for divorce in cases of infidelity and domestic abuse.
This is serious. There is smoke. Where there is smoke, there is fire. No one should live in fear. Especially, not children.
She is in a "fog" right now. Fear - overwhelmed- guilt Once she's away from him, she and the kids will need therapy. Lots of it.
Patriarchal and a close knit Christian community isn't an excuse for keeping your kids in danger and she is. She has to think about the kids and their safety.
The only thing you can do is council her to leave him and offer your emotional support and maybe financial if you can ONCE she's away from him and he can't get the money. (This type of abuse often coincides with financial abuse.) She's going to have to make the choice to leave. And the only way to get through to her might be by bringing up the kids. It's tough.
Re: In Need of Advice?
(Anonymous) 2020-10-04 03:47 am (UTC)(link)She should make an exit plan for herself and her kids that includes removing and safeguarding important documents like birth certificates, social security cards, passports, etc. Put them someplace the husband can't get to, maybe with a trusted friend. Likewise, little by little so as not to attract notice, sneak precious possessions out of the house and leave it with a friend she trusts. Pack a go-bag with a few changes of clothes, toiletries, cash, etc. everything you'd need to bug out for a few days or a week. This can be left with a friend or someplace she can get to quickly after they leave.
FWIW, I've heard good things about Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. But I'm not sure I advise sending her a copy. You can't be sure her husband won't see it (if he's the type to open her mail, for example) and that could cause problems for her if he does.