[ SECRET POST #5108 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #5108 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 14 secrets from Secret Submission Post #731.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

NAYRT--see, I want kids (and a partner, but it's true I wouldn't technically need one to have kids, just a one night stand or two or some money, a visit to a sperm bank, and a turkey baster.)

But I don't have my life together enough to subject kids to joining it. Part of my desire for a partner is that I would have help raising hypothetical kids, but I also wouldn't want to subject a partner to the consequences of my mostly unmanaged mental illness and trauma.

I've got two elderly blood relatives left, and one close friend my own age who everyone insists is taking advantage of me (but without them I lose the last link to my childhood who at least kind of understands what fucked me up. It's exhausting to pretend like my life was normal and I just grew up a freak for no reason, but explaining even a fraction of what happened makes peoples' mouths hang open and often they back away.)

I have a non-blood relative cousin my own age but if something happened to me he has his own shit to deal with and I think he'd try, but I don't know that he could raise a kid either.

I can't have kids with zero social safety net. It wouldn't be fair to them to have them just so I wouldn't be alone. Pets are easier; they aren't traumatized if I wake up crying two weeks in a row, or don't have the energy to cook or clean house, so long as I feed them and pet them and clean up their poop. Children need more than that. Also I'm 37; having kids will only get riskier from here.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm also damaged because of my childhood, and before I healed enough to feel like I have a chance to form a somewhat working relationship, I got to the point where there aren't many singles my age left, who wouldn't be just as damaged as I am, and I just don't feel like I would be able to manage both my own damage, and my partner's.

Also, this may not be relevant to your situation, but I find that my mood is affected a lot by isolation. After spending some time with my relatives my mood improves drastically and I do get the energy to cook and clean, but after a period of loneliness I also fall into that dark pit. Hence why I feel like I would do well having a child around, and I would take good care of them. I don't aim to be a perfect parent, just better than my own parents were to me. But again, this may be different for you, so my advice would be for you to seek therapy, so that you can put your life together enough to give your potential kids a good care.

Still, you are 37, so it's unlikely that you're going to die before your children grow old enough to take care of themselves without your help. If you really want kids, there's still time to try.

[(Anonymous)]

AYRT--eh, I think therapy might help some? But I need friends who would step in if I broke a leg or was recovering from surgery (or COVID!) too. Either that, or enough money to hire a nanny and housekeeper and pay them really well. I'm finally at the point where I could pay for an unexpected root canal without going broke, but in the US childcare is a whole 'nother ballgame.

I couldn't leave kids to fend for themselves while I dealt with an emergency. Or even just went to work. To have kids responsibly, you have to have a supportive partner, or a big family, or lots of friends willing to help out, or lots of money, and ideally at least a couple of those things.

I do socialize at work and with relatives and honestly sometimes it helps and sometimes it just stresses me out more.

I think my inability to clean and stay organized has more to do with some combo of undiagnosed ADHD, autism, anxiety, and straight up brain damage than it does with depression and loneliness. That might improve with therapy and meds? But therapy and meds are also responsibilities that take time to stay on top of, like some kind of mental illness ouroboros. The last time I tried to get a therapy appointment, my provider was booked for three months out. They'd see me sooner if I was in crisis, but I have a house and job and don't drink, do drugs, self-harm (at least not physically) ... compared to people who get priority access, I'm doing great and my life is awesome. And that was before COVID. Now, just by virtue of not being sick, recovering, jobless, homeless, or hungry, I'm doing amazing in comparison to a ton of people.

But that still wouldn't make it okay for me to have kids to assuage my fears of dying alone. It would be cruel and fucked up to expect them to support me emotionally like peers, or treat them like they owed me something for parenting them.

I think having a partner, even one with their own issues (and everyone has issues) is less fraught than having kids, not more. After all, a partner can leave if you mistreat them or you turn out to be a bad fit, or grow apart. Children are dependent on you for everything in ways that a partner shouldn't be. It's one thing to be a single parent because you split with a partner, or they died, or you just can't be bothered with romance or sex. It's another to think that kids are less work and more easily managed than a partner. That's true of pets, but it's very much not true of children.

Good luck, I hope everything goes well for you.

[(Anonymous)]

I understand having reservations regarding having kids due to mental issues, but the claim that you can't have kids while being a working parent is absurd, and sounds more like an excuse not to have them. Maybe you just don't want kids after all?

[(Anonymous)]

Sa

Also, some parts of your comment as just plain rude. You don't know my situation and you're making absurd assumptions. Literally the first thing every parent has told me for all these years when i was going around saying I don't want kids is "who's going to be there for you when you're old?". This is the primary reason why people have kids. Sure, there's no guarantee that kids will still be there for you in your old age, but there's also no guarantee that your partner won't divorce you. That's why you take time and effort to build a good relationship with them. And when you're in a heterosexual relationship, the possibility of kids, even by accidental pregnancy, is always on the table, to talking to me as if I should choose a partner instead of kids is just plain strange.

You don't want kids. I do. And I have the options to give a good care for them. I hope things will work out for you, I'm pretty sure they will work out for me.

[(Anonymous)]

DA - Dude, they're comment wasn't talking about your situation, it was talking specifically about theirs. And their situations is not yours. So chill out.

[(Anonymous)]

AYRT--I didn't mean to be rude. I do want kids. But while it's great when children can care for their parent(s) in their dotage, having children with the assumption that they'll be willing and able to is a crapshoot.

I'm glad you have the social support and income to take on raising children solo. Good luck.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm in the same boat, anon, and I totally feel you on all of this.

One can be a single working parent. But I don't believe one can responsibly be a single, working, low-earning parent, unless they have a decent support system around them.

That might improve with therapy and meds? But therapy and meds are also responsibilities that take time to stay on top of, like some kind of mental illness ouroboros.

Oof, I felt this.